Hi, I feel weird posting on here because ive never really done anything like this but i know that hopefully getting things off my chest will help. Im 24 and ive been getting down since i was probably about 14, i never really thought it might be depression when i was younger, partly because i dont think i realised how i had changed and partly because i was scared to admit it. I've not had the best upbringing, i was lucky enough to have a mum who did a great job of raising us, she would do anything to make me and my siblings happy, but the father part wasnt too positive...he was very emotionally abusive to my mum and us kids, and i think it has rubbed off on all of us, my mum left when we were 16 but i think his attitude towards us has made me a very insecure person. Since my mum left him ive not had contact with my dad and i dont wish to, but my behaviour has got worse since. From 16 to 18 I suppose i was always a little down, i know it was probably worse that I remember it, but i look back now and i think i was probably being a grumpy teen...
The worse happened when i went to uni, i moved away met some friends and everything was dandy..ive moved around alot as a child and find it very hard to adjust to changes easily, but i dealt with it all fine and made a good group of friends. Ive always had problems being myself around people it takes me a VERY long time to become comfortable enough to reveal my true personality because im always too insecure...and i dont think i really did give much away to uni friends but i was still getting on ok. Still got a bit down but it was nothing i couldnt handle, i tend to be very bad when i drink, so obviously being a fresher was not the best cure, and people just assumed that i was an emotional drunk i spose. In my second and third years i lived with the same uni friends, and i got ill, things probably triggered it, i had been feeling low, then i had a messy breakup and lost all self confidence. I felt like i was off my rocker, I literally lost the plot. I stopped going into uni and spent my days in bed, its all a big blur now but i began to get awful chest pains, my mum took me a&e and i was told it was probs just anxiety. I went back to bed, for days. There were times when all I could think of were all the different ways to end things, I hated myself, I was a disgusting, unattractive, bad person and I didnt deserve to be around. So in the end I took an overdose. My housemates found out, i was very ill, but i was okay. The whole time that i was spending days on end speaking to nobody, not eating, sitting in bed my group of girlfriends had not ever decided to turn down a night out to talk or just offer company, and after they found out they began to treat me like someone else, not me, it made me feel ten times more worthless than how i had felt already, (not because im a horrible person and expect people to care for me, but just because i KNOW i would never let a friend down like that. I dont assume it was their responsibility, but i did feel let down...) I moved back in with my mum and was put on citalopram, id only had fluoxitine before and it hadnt done much, but citalopram was the kick up the bum that i needed, I was able to start going into uni again and passed my year, it didnt make me feel better, but I didnt feel bad, it was as if it just made me stop thinking.
The group of friends I had spent 3 years with stopped speaking to me and I moved out to live on my own. Over 2 years have passed since then and I was told I had to come of citalopram about 8 months ago, i was fine initially but i can feel myself slipping into my old ways again. I dont want to sociallise, or speak to friends or family, and when i am around people im moody, withdrawn and rude, i try not to be but it slips and i let it show soon. At work i am fine, i feel like crap, im insanely paranoid about every aspect of my life but when it comes to work i seem to become this bubbly happy person, no one would ever guess. I sit in bed when im not in work, and i just think, i beat myself up, i hate myself, rationally thinking i know im no worse than anyone else, but i cant help telling myself i am. I cant speak to friends or family, it might be because im terrified of getting the bad reaction i got when i was at uni, but i physically cannot verbalise how i feel to them, in a way i dont know what to say, its like i loose all my words. I am losing the will to be about again but im hopeful. I want to turn my life around, ive felt like this for too long, i know i have so much to give but im useless like this, i want to be a happy person that people can love and respect not a gumpy, nasty girl who cant even leave her own house anymore, i lost a friend who i was really growing to care about to suicide last year and it hurt me so much (i hadnt know him too long) that I cannot imagine hurting my mother or family like that.
Even now ive written this out i feel like i have so much more to say, and i feel like you'll think im being silly, i know i dont have awful problems and i should not feel like this but i promise im not being dramatic. If you have taken the time to read this and reply it means a hell of a lot to me that you have, i think all i want is someone to talk to and a big hug, but like i said, I cant seem to physically be able to tell anybody just how i feel. Thankyou x
