Hello Everyone - Mainly S.A.D, Postpartum and some general depression.

[Simon123]

Hi everyone, I hope you are all feeling as good as you can today.

Joining this Forum is the next stage of my attempt to reclaim some normality in my head and so I thank you all for reading this and sharing your experiences.

My depression started when I was 14 years old (roughly) although I wasnt officially diagnosed in any sense until 3 years ago.  After what I now understand as the onset of my depression, my life was mixed between an outgoing school kid (in school) and a socially reclusive kid out of school.  I found relative peace in solitude, whilst putting on a lot of weight and hating the world around me. 
By the time I was 18 I was a self-harming (but thinner), suicidal, heavy-drinking mess.  I had good friends by then who tried to support, but my behaviour was upsetting them and its very hard (as I am sure some of you may agree) to explain how depression feels, and what its like to really want to die, to someone who has never felt like that.  Due to the intervention of my friends I stopped self-harming (I quickly learnt I was hurting my friends more) but still harbour a desire for the release to this day.

My friends used to find it hard to get me out of the house as soon as autumn came but I never thought anything of it; Autumn is so grey and cold and Its just no fun.

I moved away from my friends to live with my Girlfriend.  I got a degree.  I got a job which was nothing like what I wanted to do because it was the only job i could find which suited my state of mind: retreat, solitude, unsocial hours, reduced contact with people.

After an anxiety attack in a foreign country over not speaking the langauge, I went to a doctor.  It was the begining of Autumn and the suicidal thoughts were creeping in.  I dont know what you think but I cant really explain what's in my head to doctors for fear they will lock me up in a hospital so I just have to ride it.  My Doctor put my on Prozac.  I experienced feelings like I had never before: I was content, relaxed and calm.  After a while my dreams got a bit crazy (as well as my behaviour) and I started to feel like I didn't need the Prozac anymore.  It was March and winter was over.  I came off Prozac easily and proceeded through summer without a hitch.

Next Autumn I tried Citalopram (I always know I've left it too long when the suicidal thoughts re-appear) which made me less crazy but wasnt quite as positive as Prozac (I didnt really feel the urge to do new things).  Again I dropped it the following march but it was much harder than Prozac, with Headzaps and dizzyness making life a bit harder.

Following the next winter my wife gave birth.  Holy S**t.  It hit me like a 10 tonne weight.  I was surrounded by people telling me I should be over the moon but I was deteriorating fast inside my head.  I was back down the doctor for Citalopram IN THE SUMMER.  Double dose given.  Things calmed down a bit and I am now just off the last winters worth of Citalopram.  She wants more and I am not sure I can put myself through it again.

And this is what draws me to this forum.  Has anyone broken free of Medication? Does anyone have any tips for moving forward with life? Has anyone tried lots of medication and has a recommendation? Has anyone used CBT successfully to change their thinking and do you do it without wholesale changes to your life?

Thanks for reading.  If you can see something in there you want me to share with you in more detail or you want to pick my brain please just ask.  I hope that I can help you all and you can all help me.

Simon

[Sweetpea]

Hello and  .>, To the forum,

I can relate to some of your experiences.  I can understand the SAD as I am always worse in the winter months.  Although I have been bad in the warmer months too.  I take anti-depressants (Duloxetine) and I have come off them before but it just comes back within months.  So my dr has said there is no reason I cannot stay on a dosage for the rest of my life as it keeps comming back.

I have had computerised CBT which did help.  But I have found that counselling along with medication has helped most for me ( but we are all different), I have my counselling through MIND.  She is very good and is not trying to change the way I think, but explains and helps me realise why I think the way I do.  Which has helped a great deal.

S x

[Got]

May I ask why you feel the need to keep stoping the medication?

[Simon123]

Thanks for sharing  :)

In theory I wouldnt have a problem sticking on Medication for long periods but its finding the right one.  Citalopram has the tendancy to turn me into a dribbling wreck while Prozac turned me into a crazed and fearless daredevil.  I am looking for a happy medium somewhere.

My funniest experience with a Doctor (although at the time I was livid) was one who told me to read a book on CBT to deal with depression.  He obviously was unaware that I could barely concentrate on putting my clothes on each day and therefore reading a book wasn't going to happen in my then current state.  It was the psycholical equivalent of giving me a pair of crutches and telling me to walk 10 miles to pick them up

Counselling is an odd one for me as I dont have any specific life triggers that i could pinpoint.  I am currently doing a bit of CBT self help.

What is Duloxetine like? does it get you going or does it slow you down?

[Ezel]

 .>,

[Simon123]

Hi Stevie,

It really wierd.  It actually gets to a point where I fell like I dont need it anymore and the effects are counter productive.  after baby I was on 20mg, then I went down to 10mg for winter as usual.  by late feb/early march 10mg would knock me out.  Citalopram is supposed to boost you (I used to call prozac "legal speed") but I just end up lying on the floor unable to move which is very frustrating for my wife and kid.  I started doing 5mg every other day and now I feel ok (a bit low, not social, worried about future, occasionally think about suicide in later life) apart from the headzaps.  I probably havent had any now for 1.5 weeks and I can function just not quite on the level I would like to be in an ideal world.

[Sweetpea]

I started off on Citalopram and then stopped working, then my gp tried several others.  Eventually he referred me to our local Mental Health Team, the physch dr put me onto Duloxetine (Cymbalta). It works very well for me (but as I have said we are all different). I had side effects to start with, mainly feeling nauseas but would just eat little and often.  Other than that I feel quite good.

S x

[emmietaylor]

U might gain a lot weight on cybalta that's why I came off

Sent from my Radar C110e using Board Express

[Simon123]

Thanks for that info,  Weight gain wouldnt be too good for me.

[Sweetpea]

Have gained no weight on Duloxetine, have been on it for 3 years then a break then on it again now.  As I say we are all different.

S

[Buttercup]

I think that really important Shaz, we are all different and it's best to discuss these things with your GP but until you try something you really don't know how it's going to effect you.

I have no experience of this med. I used to take Prozac but had to stop.

[Simon123]

Can I ask why you stopped Prozac?

[Buttercup]

Prozac sent me into a manic episode, I felt completely wired. Turned out after a lengthy chat with a psychiatrist that I am bipolar.

They can't diagnose this if it's the meds that have flipped you so they need to see if you have had other episodes, which I have just did a very good cover up job 

[Buttercup]

Should have said I had been taking them for 5 months at 40 mg before this happened.

[Sweetpea]

I can also say that I felt that bad that if they worked and I put a bit of weight on I wouldn't have minded anyway, I could not go on as I was.  I just wanted to be well again.

S x