I just need to talk

[Craig]

Hi everyone,

This is the first time I have ever posted anything before, I just feel that I need to get what is in my head, out as it's going round and round and I can't stop it.

When I was a teenager (I'm 29 now) I suffered with depression, but suffered alone, I was fat, gay alone and bullied but I felt I got through it. Ever since then I have had major issues with worrying that friends are not really there for me, that friendships will never last and I never really allow anyone in.  I have been working as a performer but over the last year have moved back to my home town and started working a normal job.

The problem is my friends obviously have their own lives and I live alone, I constantly feel that I am a burden to them, and will not text or ring them as I don't want to bother them, it leaves me in a cycle of feeling isolated and negative towards them, so I obsessively fill my time with 3 jobs, rehearsals, exercise etc but when I'm alone I cannot shut my head up, contestantly going over the same negative repetitive thoughts.

What confuses me is that it's as if I don't want to pull out of it, like I am wallowing in it and almost want it to be here, which makes me more down as obviously that is not normal.

I just feel at the minute like there is no one there for me, but i feel that I am being pathetic even feeling like this as from the outside, I have loads of friends and loads going on!

I am scared as it is starting to feel like it did when I was 13/14 and I thought that had gone and I can't stop obsessing over it.

I have never sought any professional help for my issues, do you think it would help or do I just need to get over it.

Thank you for reading my never ending, boring post :)

[Zaf]

Hi Craig, I think it would be well worth seeing your doctor

Z xx

[Buttercup]

Hi Craig, I agree with Zaf.

[Sweetpea]

Hello Craig,

I think going to your dr to have a chat about how you are feeling would be a good idea.

S x

[Craig]

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply, I find it such a conflicted issue because as a performer I can get on a stage, I feel confident and happy, but then on my own, in my own company my mind just spirals. And any missed text from a friend becomes amassive issue! I am torn between these horrible feelings being real and valid versus the fact I am putting it all on for some sort of sympathy from others, but not telling anyone about the feelings, so get annoyed because I don't get the sympathy! It's as if I am inventing it all for my own sick enjoyment or punishment... Each voice is fighting to be heard, and getting louder and louder!

Thanks again, it means a lot :)

[Sweetpea]

I very often put a face on for others, a happy smiley face and most people would have no idea that I suffer with depression.  This in itself is very hard work.

Take care

S x

[Zaf]

Deression can cause lots of weird and often conflicting emotions Craig and I agree with shaz that putting on that happy smily face can be exhausting at times

Z xx

[Craig]

Thank you, I think I need to find a way of making that happy mask my real face. I think I will take yo advice and see a pro, xx

[Got]

Hey Craig,

Sorry to hear that you have been feeling this way.

My advice would be to perhaps see your doctor and ask to be refered to for counselling or CBT. You appear to have a good insight into the working of your mind and so I think you could benefit from this kind of treatment.

Steve

[KateG]

Hi Craig and welcome to the forum. There's not much more I can add, going to see your GP is a good start. I think that most people on here are guilty of putting on a happy face, we all understand and we'll never tell you to "just get over it" &*(

[Munchroom]

As has already been said Craig - we are all guilty of putting on a brave face, its when we don't have to wear that mask anymore, when we are alone and theres no-one to fool, thats when it gets tough. As the others have said I think you need to go and see your doctor too, good luck xx

[Craig]

T you everyone for being so kind and supportive, I have booked an appointment with a private councillor so thanks again for your wonderful words, it's niceti finally talk about it without editing it and makin light of it, I feel it's time to deal with it. Xc :)

[Sweetpea]

Thats great Craig, you are being positive and doing something to make yourself well.

Hope the counselling goes well for you.

S x

[Zaf]

We all understand what its like Craig, no one here tells us to get our act together or to buck up.

Its great you've taken the positive step yo see a counsellor, I hope it goes well for you.

Z xx