Here I am again...................................................

[mamalou]

Hi all. Hope it's ok to have a little rant ???! "

Am sooooooooooooo tired of this horrific illness.

I have treatment resistant depression with disabling anxiety. I take Lithium, Venlafaxine, Quetiapine and Mirtazapine ( all maximum doses)

I have been referred to the home treatment team again as I am considered high risk suicidal ( which, to be fair, I am ) so I get more support.

3 weeks ago I saw my psychiatrist and he said that medically, there is nothing more that can be done. He thinks I am a good candidate for ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) which my husband is totally freaked out by and I have gone past caring so I wasn't allowed to make that decision alone.

I felt totally numb and unsuprised but I think that it is affecting the gravity of my suicidal thoughts. I just can't go on.

I spend my life apologising for not getting better, to my family, friends and all of the various mental health professionals involved.

Yesterday, I went to the hairdressers ( an absolute miracle !) and the minute I left, I went straight to the chemist and bought a box of paracetamol to add to the drugs I am storing up if I decide to overdose ! I watch myself from outside of my body. I didn't feel deserving of a trip to the hairdresser so feel the need to punish myself.

Not sure why I am sharing all of this but it feels sort of safe .........

Thanks for reading and taking the time.  x x x x x

[Buttercup]

Mamalou, I really feel for you

I find that sharing things on here helps me to get feelings out that would be too difficult to talk about with someone else.

We're always here for you and feel free to pm me whenever you need to, I'm normally around.  &*(

[Sweetpea]

 &*( for you mamalou.  We are here for you.

S x

[KateG]

Rant away mamalou. It's OK to do nice things for yourself, you don't need to be punished for it &*(

[Zaf]

Ranting is definitely OK xxxx

[lightenup]

Hi Mamalou, I can totally relate to how your feeling I've started lithium 5weeks ago, and I am on max dose of Sertraline and Mertazapine.  Had to be taken off Quietapine (ecg was showing anomilies) whatever that is.  Seen the Consultant Physchiatrist today, he wasn't happy I missed my last appointment, no one passed the message on, and I was annoyed as he sent a letter for me to stop the Quietapine and start the Lithium.  My father in law passed away and I had been sitting up with him since xmas, thats why I missed my appointment.  I am on such a downer.............it is crap being here, but then again I must fight this crap.  I take it the Lithium didn't work, did you find it helped for a while.........  I have also be labelled with treatment resistant Depression with anxiety attacks huh!!!  What's this all about.   

[mamalou]

Hi all - thanks so much for messages and support - it's invaluable.

lightenup, interesting group of meds you have too !! I have been on Lithium for about 4 months now and I am sorry to say I have noticed no positive effects. But my depression is what they call "treatment resistant" so I am not sure what my psychiatrist envisaged happening
I too have severe anxiety and it's a battle moment by moment.  Sorry to hear about your father -in- law , death is an awful thing.

[mamalou]

Sometimes I think it's all falling apart ........

Just had a call from my GP surgery to say that my GP is ill  I am sure the receptionist loved telling me - I know they think I'm a time waster.

I absolutely cannot believe it. He has been my GP for years and I totally trust him - now I am scared he may never come back ???!?!?!??!!?

My thoughts are random and totally ssssssssssssssccccccccccccccccccrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeedddddd.

Can I really continue ? Can I choose life ? Do I deserve help ? Am I just looking for attention ? I can't feel a thing ! Numb.... numb.... numb

I feel like a child - totally out of control.......... being bossed about by carers / huband / parent ...............

Once again, sorry for venting my spleen - but I can't do it anywhere else.    "£$

 

[Buttercup]

What a nightmare for you 

Have you got any other doctors that you see? Can you get an appointment with them?

For what it's worth I feel as though things are falling apart as well and I can't stop it!

[Sweetpea]

 &*( &*( for you both.

S x

[lightenup]

Hi Mamalou, I totally relate to you...............sometimes I just want to say I am better just to shut everyone up "£$.  I am having awful nightmares again, so if I am not sleeping I'm having nightmares or totally weird dreams.  I could eat a scabbie horse and the weight is piling on, so so tired of all this.   Treatment resistant thats what I have or so he says and he tells me I am ill, sure I give him 10 out of10 for observation.  When I look at myself it is like 2 different people the person I was and the one I am now.     

[mamalou]

Buttercup - sorry it's all falling apart for you too. It's a surreal and totally awful place to be. x x x x

Lightenup - I actually think I am 2 people ! 1 who has been captured and taken over and is working inside my old body and the 1 who is standing to one side watching it all go on with no feelings at all and unable to intervene in any way.
Being in this state is definitely dangerous for me - out of control & unable to feel are a bad combo. How attractive that stash of drugs seems.