Hi

[Sweetpea]

Hope your session went ok for you.

S x

[ifeelcursed]

Thanks.

So I went to see my counsellor and it started off ok and i just went through how i was feeling about the breakup, it kind of made me feel ok for a bit then we started talking about my son and how I haven't seen him for about 2 weeks...i just broke down, i miss him so much.

But his mum and her parents who look after him whilst we are at work have made it clear I can see him when i want but i feel so low i just can't face him.

I picked myself up a bit and tried to arrange contact with him for the first time on Sunday but he's a page boy at a wedding (we were supposed to go to together) so thats not happening now. I have to wait til easter weekend.

At present I am mediating through my ex's parents who have no problem me seeing him for an hour or so after work during the week but it already seems weekends are going to be a problem....maybe they are or maybe its me dreaming up a negative scenario like I always do.

[Buttercup]

Since its the Easter Hols next week, why don't you see if you can take him out for a while either during the day or in the evening.  It would do you both good

[Sweetpea]

No wonder you broke down with your cousellor Its only natural, he is your son.  I agree with buttercup it would be lovely for both you and your son for you to spend some time with him after work for an hour or two.

Take care

S x

[Ezel]

Workon the positives that your son's grandparents are willing to let you see him so they are allies.  You will only regret it if you don't.

[ifeelcursed]

I know you are right, I have made an appointment to see him after work today for an hour or so because I just can't take it anymore, 2 weeks and it's killing me.

I appreciate the advice I do but just a point I would like to make....regret is not really something that worries a person with depression, well not me anyways. Because I have such low self worth regret just seems to be part of the misery. I would only feel regret if I was in a happy place.

Right now regret just doesn't register......what does is the pain I have because I am not with him, I can handle not being with my Ex, I am slowly on that road to accepting thats how it is now.....but not seeing my son, thats the killer especially because I am the main person stopping myself.

I am going to see him later as I said but its taken alot for me to pluck up the courage to face this, I hope it will be worth every minute.

[Sweetpea]

 &*( for you.  I really hope you enjoy your time with your son.

S x

[KateG]

I hope you both enjoy your time together and I'm sure he is excited to see you. Hang in there &*(

[ifeelcursed]

I hope so too.....

Thank you so much for your kind words (and hug smilies).

x

[Zaf]

Thinking of you xx

[ifeelcursed]

Ok so I went to see my son yesterday for the 1st time in 2 weeks, I was really nervous but as soon as he saw me there was no awkwardness and he was happy to see me i think which was a surprise, it was like i had never gone away....it was tearful for me but it was really good.

It gave me hope that we will have a good relationship together as I do want to be in his life and the MIL said that was something that everyone involved was in agreement about - not just me but my side of the family having a good relationship with him.

I spent about 2 and half hours with him and put him to bed, I then went back to where i was staying and got 2 really good phonecalls, one from one of my oldest friends and one from one of my closest. Both really cheered me up and helped me to focus on what i have to do over the coming weeks to ensure I do not slip into the darkness. I am quite nervous about living on my own but I am confident I will know what to do if I start to feel really lonely.


Knowing I can come on here and talk about how I am feeling without being judged or criticised is a great help too, I am going to do some work with one friend over the next 2 weeks and i am seeing the other who is coming to visit for easter. I might even see my family if I can pluck up the courage to make things right after pushing them away a couple of weeks ago.


so the last 24 hours have been quite good. A bit naughty to say this but i haven't taken my meds for about a week now and I am coming to the conclusion that I have enough in place that i do not need to take them.

One main reason for this aswell is I was tild by a good friend who suffers from bipolar that to take meds and to drink or smoke cannnabis on them is not a good even though i am only a occasional drinker/smoker. I think I would rather not be on the meds to be honest. I know aswell I am supposed to wean myself off them but so far this week I have not plummeted into the depths of despair and my thought processes are holding, they are not great as you can see but they are holding.

I don't know.....I think I am mad but what is madness really?

[ifeelcursed]

Tonight I think I will be writing some music......I bet that is not surprising either to anyone that I am highly creative person and have depression LOL.