Hi

[ifeelcursed]

Hi,

I am new and really don't know where to start.

In Sept/Oct 2011 I was officially diagnosed with Depression/Anxiety, this i feel was only because i actually found a doctor who I felt took me seriously, I have lived with this illness for much longer than a few months, the earliest I can remember I was maybe 10 or 11.....I am now 32.

All it seems to do is make me do silly things that mess my life up, i don't know why i do them or even if they are wrong. All I do know is my life is falling apart and I have no idea how to stop it or why it is happens to me??

I do feel destined to live a life on my own without family friends, my wife and my son because of this illness that seems to cut me down every time a crucial life event happens.

So yeah recently my wife is divorcing me and I have turned my back on my family and most of my friends, about to move into a flat on my own and am feeling very lonely and vunerable. Despite my attempts to beat my illness I find most days a mental struggle and particularly now I feel like anything I was doing to get better has been in vain.

I just feel cursed that I can't turn it around as quick as I want to and have to watch my old life which i quite liked disappear, replaced by this new lonely and uncertain one that i have made for myself with the help of my depression.

I also fear that I am only setting the stage for something more absolute later in life.

[Zaf]

Hi and welcome, everyone will help as much as hey can

Z xx

[Buttercup]

Hi. 

It's a really scary feeling, to feel that your life is falling apart in front of you and you can't stop it, a feeling that I can relate to.  Everyone on here is understanding and will help you in whatever way they can.

[ifeelcursed]

Thank you.....

I miss my son, I miss my wife, I miss my friends and my family but I feel that I do not deserve them because they tell me its all my fault, my doing, my design and that I can change it, this has made me do things to push them away, to make them not like me, to justify what i think about myself.

I have tried to tell myself that its all in my head but i feels so natural to me that it does not allow me to see myself how the world sees me and therefore I cannot understand why people are being the way they are around me. All i can see is them being usupportive and uncaring.

It has got so bad my friends and family tell me they love me but I do not believe them, I feel they are doing it to make themselves feel better, like they tried to help me or something.

I feel totally alone, I do not even know now what good posting on here will do.....

I feel totally mad, like I don't know if what i think or feel is right anymore, because of the confusion I have developed over the last couple of years.

[ifeelcursed]

Just to clarify aswell what I have done.....

I have been on meds since I was diagnosed, I go to counselling once a week, I train muay thai boxing once a week, I do not own a car so walk pretty much everywhere. I try to eat regularly and get enough sleep too.

This doesn't seem to have done much good, in the sense that it did for a while then I upset my Wife for the millionth time and she blamed me and my depression for it.

She's leaving because she feels that i can change and beat my illness, but I am not doing enough to do so. On top of that I am not being a 32 yo family man even though I pay my way in the house we have together and do my share of looking after our son....its not good enough.

[Buttercup]

Sometimes people don't understand how it feels to be depressed or suffer from anxiety, they don't understand the way we act. For us, it's hard to change the way we feel, its just a matter of babysteps, accepting that things aren't going to change overnight, that it will take time and that there will be ups and downs on the way.  Depression is a very hard and cruel illness.  

Posting on here will help you understand how you feel.  I find it helps me a lot, I can type things that I find it hard to say to others, sometimes I show others the posts as its an easier way to tell them how I am feeling.

Take Care

[ifeelcursed]

Thanks, I do believe that those close to me do not understand and some even go to say its me being selfish which I find hard because I didn't think I was that selfish, i don't know anymore, maybe I am, I feel like if I am this self destructive person that those closest to me say I am then I am resided to it? I dont want to be.....who does? but it seems that is who I am.

Its getting harder and harder to pick myself up because I am slowily convinving myself that I will do it all again....I know I will never have another relationship again because I do not want to set myself up for another fall, I feel comfortable on my own because I feel I cant trust anyone, they will probably think I am relying on them for stuff like my wife did.

I wish she could see through it and know its a long hard road, but i guess I cannot force her to be there for me. I am just gutted that she went so far as to marry me and have my children.

[Ezel]

It tough suffering with depression particularly when people don't understand that you can't just get over it.  It takes understanding and people being patient.

[ifeelcursed]

I just wish she could, I still love her but I am in so much pain and wish i didn't anymore, I wish she could have toughed it out but she won't do that. I am heartbroken as a result.

I know she will use this against me to stop me seeing my son too.

[Sweetpea]

I really feel for you, its very hard for others to understand what depression is like to suffer, if they have never suffered.  If only we could get ourselves better, we would if we could, its not as easy as that.

It must be so hard for you dealing with the breakup of your marriage and suffering with depression.

We all understand depression here and we will support and advise where we can.  You are not alone.

Take care

S x

[ifeelcursed]

What's so sad about it is I orchestrated the break up of my marriage sub consciously......my low self esteem and high judgement of myself through my illness has made me act accordingly.....which has resulted in something i did not want.

Problem is i never seem to know what I want.....everything seems mediocre at best, I know this is my illness talking because you could give me a billion pounds and i still would not be that chuffed.

I could have anything in the world and it would still not make me happy. I just wanted to be with my wife and my son for the rest of my life but my actions as a result of my thinking which is ravaged by depression has seen to that not happening.....

I cant even see my son now I feel so sad and shamed and I do not want him to pick up on it. I can't talk to any friends who are mutal to me and my ex because I feel they are on her side, I can't speak to my family or hers for the same reasons.

I really do feel like no-one can understand how hard it is and for 1 second just shut up and not say things like, 'its all in your head' 'get over it' 'man up' 'grow up' 'sort it out' 'its not all about you' and any other thing that people think will snap me out of it.

[KateG]

Just wanted to say hi and welcome. At the risk of repeating stuff that's been said, no-one here will tell you to snap out of it, we all understand how it feels

[Zaf]

No one can understand what its like to be depressed unless they've suffered from it themselves

Z xxx

[ifeelcursed]

Thank you all for the welcome.

Going to see my counsellor today, not seen her for a couple weeks, funny how I didn't see her for 2 weeks and in that time my marriage totally crumbled, it was holding up by a thread as it was but it seems my erratic behaviour just killed it in that time.

I hoping it will be a good session, I could really use something to make me happy. The sun is shining and its some of the best weather i can remember this week.

[Zaf]

I hope it goes well for you

Z xx