It just keeps happening

[Angelina]

I posted on here about October time about my issues with depression and everybody was so lovely. Things have gotten worse though.

I've had very long term depression, last year I attempted suicide and ended up signed off work for 6 months. I was living with my partner and he was very supportive. I managed to get a Christmas job from November until the end of January. When the job finished it all went wrong.

I knew the job was going to end soon though they were keeping me on as long as possible. I went into work on a Tuesday and got told that the Saturday would be my last shift. It hurt a lot, especially as my Birthday was the Sunday so it kind of ruined that. My job ended, I was depressed for sure and felt like I was dealing with a lot. I had a couple of friends who were going through a very rough time and I was trying to help them. Once my job ended I was back to being stuck at home bored and lonely. Things started going wrong with my partner, I'd get angry and he'd just shut down and refuse to talk. I started to self harm as a way to let the things out that were bothering me, and I guess as a cry for help. My partner knew about this but if I was crying he'd just walk away. Then he ended it over text. I met up with him and he handed me a letter about how he couldn't do this any more, that he still loved me and he'd help me move out. That was on a Saturday and I said I'd move out the following Sunday when my Mum could help me. It was awkward obviously living with him, I'd try to talk to him just generally and he wouldn't look at me, barely said a word. He cried sometimes.

Then on the Wednesday I got a voicemail from his mother saying I was being unfair on him and I had to move out that day. That she didn't want to be mean but she would if she had to. As it was her second house I had no choice but to go. When Mum arrived in the evening to help me move he kept texting asking when I'd be gone, that he and his mother wanted to come round and sort out the house. I got out as quickly as I could. So I'm 27, unemployed and living at my mother's house 70 miles away from what was my life and all my friends. I feel so lonely. My ex hs text me a lot since I moved out half way through last month. He says he wants to be friends etc. I tried that, I went round what used to be our house. It was hell, he even tried to have sex with me, he’d been texting me about wanting sex etc and I’d been telling him to go find a girl. It was so confusing. When I left I decided I shouldn’t speak to him anymore. A few days later he text me to say he had cancer. I gave in and replied the next week. He didn’t, he “just wanted to check you were ok” so he was trying anything to get a response. I gave him one more try as a friend. I stayed round, we had a day going to the pub we used to go to for lunch, we went to a beach we went to as a couple. It was just a nightmare, it was like being a couple but not. He was still on about sex etc. I ended up sleeping with him just before I left his. He knows I’m suicidal, and has gotten very angry about it. Tells me that life’s worth living and he knows what I’m going through, that I’m being selfish and an idiot. That I’ll ruin my family and friends’ lives. I’ve stopped responding to him, it’s been 3 days now since we’ve been in contact. I can’t deal with him leaving me when I needed him the most and then treating me like this. It’s like he’s a completely different person to the one I lived with.
I’ve not responded to texts from anyone for two days. I feel more alone speaking to them, I’m stuck in this little village with no money, nothing to do, away from everybody I love. When I talk to my friends in Dorset it reminds me how alone I really am, how far away they are. I was supposed to go out to Dorset this evening to go to the pub etc and I just can’t face it. Half of me is scared that I’ll see my ex and half of me wants to run to his house and scream at him for doing this to me while begging to be with him.
Every year around this time of year something terrible happens, and this is the worst. This time I don’t have my partner or my friends around me to help. Mum and I don’t really talk, she’s out at my aunt’s funeral today in London and I couldn’t face that either. It’s just added to the list of things that have happened recently.
I feel so stuck. That I keep trying and things keep falling on me and I get stuck back to square one. I don’t know why I’m writing this all, I know it’s huge and I’m sorry. I’m fighting so hard to keep going but I see no way out. I wrote my goodbye letters to people the other day, I feel like I’m going to break any day.

[Zaf]

It seems to me he doesnt know how to cope with your illness, I know that doesnt help you but its a reason why he's behaving like that

Z xx

[Angelina]

I think the same, I think he got used to me just giving up and attempting suicide, then being a zombie for a while after. This time I tried to fight it, got angry, self harmed and actually tried to talk about it. I feel like I'm being punished for not just giving up and quietly trying to kill myself.

[Zaf]

When we're depressed we tend to perceive things very differently to their reality but it doesnt help how you feel

Z xx

[Sweetpea]

 &*( Angelina.

S x

[lost rolex]

Hi your being pulled in every direction, you usually find the people who are close or where close are the hardest with the person with depression they are supportive for a short while then they ignore it, the they either accept it and move on with you, or try to destroy you, take control of the little things and sometimes when your being harassed we don't see it, take control of that part of your life tell your ex he is harassing you and to leave you alone, you have nothing at the moment and nothing is better than nothing and being harassed, so get him to back off use the law if necessary, go and see your gp and take your mum for support if you have to.

get some help and try to drift away from the letters you wrote and rip them up once you feel stronger



all the best LR   

[Got]

Angelina,

You are going through a hell of a lot here. Even somone who isn't already depressed would struggle with this.

In some ways, you situation isna bit like mine. We are more or less the same age, and we both feel more or less the same way. Like you, at a certain time of this year, every thing seems to go wrong for me, and each times it gets worse. Last summer I had all but given up. I was constantly talking about suicide, if not talking then thinking. I was alone. Very very alone. Lost my relationship which devestated me. The last 6 or more months have been the worst of my life.

Please hang on, and please listen to me and beleive me when I say things do get better. The way you feel now is temporary and you will feel better again with time. I promise.

In the mean time, have you been to the doctors? Have you spoken about what has happened and how you feel?

Lots of love,

Steve X

[Angelina]

Thank you guys.

I went to the doctor a couple of days after I moved back. He said it was normal to feel like this. Then changed his mind and refered me to the mental health team, I used to see them when I lived here before. I've seen them a couple of times but there's a waiting list so there's not much they can do. I've tried various medications and have never found them to be a solution.

I've cut off contact with everyone. Partly it's a cry for help, hoping someone will realise that I'm at breaking point. Partly it's because I'm stepping away from everyone because I'm suicidal and I don't want them finding out if I do anything. The last contact I had with my ex was him texting on tuesday to tell me to listen to scroobius pip, the magician's assistant. It's about suicide and how much it'll hurt everyone in your life if you do it. That was what made me stop talking to him. He's not offered any real help, just become very angry if I talk about being suicidal. He's just said a lot of empty words.

My mum's off work at the moment due to my aunt's death. So I spend my whole day in bed watching dvds until the evening when I hide in the spare room on the computer until she's gone to bed. That's my life. I self harmed today for the first time in over a month. I have no money to do anything, and my friends are so far away. I've essentially lost my life, I didn't just lose a boyfriend.
I just can't see a way out. I've tried for 6 weeks now and it's just getting harder.

[Got]

Hi Angelina,

I understand entirely your situation.

In terms of seeking help, you do still have options left, and I would like to urge you to try them, as I have been in the same situation as you are now. You can try ring the mental health team again, and stress that you are at crises point. This is what I did and they agreed to move to appointment forward by two months.

Also, there is the crises team. Please do not attempt suicide, you life my be unbearable at the moment but even thugh it seems impossible, you will improve. If you do find you self seriously thinking about suicide, please please ring the crises team. Do you have their number?

You can get your life back I promise. I know from experience that things do get better. I have been in your situation when I have lost everything and I have been suicidal, but I managed to discover that there were still some open doors for me.

The world would not be better of without you, you family would not be happier either. Please hang on.

Will you try what I suggested?

Love Steve X

[Angelina]

To be honest I've always found the mental health team here useless. I really got somewhere with the Dorset team and it's another thing I've lost. I was hoping to move back to Dorset once I found a job there so they said it was a bit pointless organising anything here, that I could phone up though and they'd try to get someone to speak to me on the phone or to see. But it'd be the on duty person so it's likely to be somebody different each time. I am still job hunting in the periods between crying but I know my work history is terrible due to the depression and the distance thing is an issue so it could be months before I find anything.

Reading the report of my assessment for the team here almost made me laugh. Because I can talk about what's going on and look them in the eye I'm not seen as much of a risk to myself. I did say I thought about suicide all the time. Also I'm so used to these assessments and therapy in general I'm fine with talking about it all, it's like a part of my life as much as smoking. If I can find the effort to phone them (hate phone calls) on Monday I'll try and see them to explain that I need help now. Even getting there is an effort, in Dorset the place was a 7 minute very quiet walk from my house. Here it involves driving to the local town and parking in a busy supermarket carpark. So there's the driving issue and the people and just being in public issue.

I feel like I'm far too sick to work, but if I don't find a job I'll be stuck here even longer. Being here makes me sicker as time goes on, it always has. Mum just came in and she was reading this for sure, hasn't said a word about it and has gone again. She just can't talk about anything real.

[Got]

I also had problems due to my ability to behave normally, when, infact, I was dangerously depressed.

I do beleive that it is important for you to get help as soon as possible, and I think you should make that phone call, even if you think they are a bit useless.

Please do hang on, you can get through this. You do deserve support. Things will get better in time. Its seems impossible right now but its true, things do get better.

Is there anyone at all you can reach to in order to tackle the feelings of isolation?

Steve X

[Angelina]

Not really, I've had one friend here that I was texting and we'd met up. He's going travelling in a few weeks though so that'll be the end of that. I fell out with my friends here before I moved to Dorset, they couldn't cope with my depression and viewed it as me moaning. I got raped and a few days later got told by one of them that I needed to move on and not dwell on it. So not really the type of friends I want any way.

I miss my Dorset friends so much. It's hard enough doing the drive there and being so close to my ex and my house etc knowing that I can't go there as it's not healthy for me to see him ever again. But the drive back is 2 hours of me crying and it's not safe and makes me feel worse really when I get home. Last time I got home I had to get drunk in the middle of the day to stop me killing myself right then.

My mum's taped Wipeout or whatever it's called and is making me go into the front room every five minutes to watch a bit she found funny. Every time she laughs I tense up in anticipation that I'll have to go fake laugh with her.

[Buttercup]

Sorry, only just picked up this thread.

I agree with Steve. Even if you don't have much faith in the mental health team you need to give it a go and make the call.

What you have been and going through is really tough but you can do it. Please hang in there.

[Got]

Is there anyway you can get a good friend from Dorset to come and visit you? You sound to be in the middle of major depression to me, and it would be good if you could call in a freind to lend a helping hand.

[Angelina]

I will make the call. They think I need to talk about my childhood and how it means I can't cope with what happens now. I have a very different view and the Dorset team agreed with me. It has made things tougher for me, but bad things keep happening that would knock anybody down low. I've dealt with my childhood. It's things now that are the issue. I lost my job, had two suicidal, self harming friends, my cat died, my relationship broke down and I got kicked out of my house, meaning I lost my friends, my support network and my life as I knew it. And then my aunt died. I've dealt with my ex repeatedly saying he wants to be friends with me while talking about having sex with me and getting angry at me for being suicidal while not helping in the slightest yet saying he's never let me down. I live with my mother who I spend my time trying to avoid because I have to fake smile around her and I have no idea what to talk to her about. My life is my bed and my dvds. I really do not want to talk about what happened 20 years ago. Whenever I've seen the team here they talk to me like I'm 7, I feel worse after seeing them.

Dorset friends would probably visit. But I'd feel worse once they've gone. It's like a reminder of what I don't have any more.