Awful last 24hrs

[glasshalfempty]

I've had a couple of days off work and my bf has gone to stay with a mate for a couple of days.  He was only going for one night but I talked him into going for 2 nights just so I didn't have him getting on my last nerve.  I tried to feel positive about it and thought I'd get on with all the chores that need doing and get some peace and quiet but I've found myself doing the complete opposite.  I haven't bothered to get dressed since I got up yesterday, I sat and cried for most of the day and had the tv on but wasn't really watching it.  I figured I still had tomorrow (today) and after getting to bed really late, crying myself to sleep yet again and getting up at lunchtime today I still achieved nothing.  I'm still sat in my dressing gown, curtains closed, smoking myself half to death, crying and wishing I had a shoulder to cry on.  I have no one to talk to (especially after my bf pointed out to me I rely on him for too much support and I need to get myself some friends) Pfft!  Thanks very much you @@@@. 

I'll be back at work tomorrow hating myself for wasting the last 2 days. This is how it always is.  I'll be rushing around this evening tying to get everything done so he doesn't come home and wonder what I've done for all this time.  He's been through depression but he seems to have go away with it so "lightly" as he was on top of the world on ad's and they worked wonders for him but he can't understand I'm not him and this is my own experience and I'm not finding it as easy as him.  There's only so much I can take and only so many fake smiles I can give and say I'm fine before I'll crack.

[Zaf]

I could have written most of that

You somehow need to schedule lots of rest for yourself and when there are chores that simply must be one try th 'work and reward' tactic, it often works

Z xx

[glasshalfempty]

I see where you're coming from but everything seems to be such an effort these last few months.  I'll sit on my laptop whiling away the hours on FB and I'll say to myself "I'll start what I've got to do at 4pm"  That time will come and go so I'll say "I'll start at 4.30.".....you see the pattern?  Before I know it it's early evening and I say I'll do it another day.  I've lost all my enthusiasm for getting things accomplished and the satisfaction for a good job well done went out the window long ago.  I guess it's baby steps?

[KateG]

I'm still sat in my dressing gown and pjs too, so don't be too hard on yourself. They have become my depression uniform. I am very good at procrastinating too, I'll put any task off if I can.

Can you talk to your bf honestly rather than putting on a smile all the time? My OH only realised quite how bad I was when I broke down completely. I wish I'd told him sooner.

[glasshalfempty]

I broke down in front of him a few months ago, before I went to the docs and got counselling.  He practically badgered me to find out what was wrong till I told him I want to find my smile again.  His sympathy seems to have gone out of the window now.  He doesn't understand how hard it is for me just to get out of bed on my days off.  sometimes I think I'd be better off on my own so I don't have to be so false and pretend everything's ok when its not....but I also know I'm not good on my own.  It's like I need things to be on my terms without any obligations at the moment.  I don't want to be made to feel I'm a loser just for not getting dressed or getting out into the world on a lovely sunny day etc.  BTW now the warm weather is approaching, that's only going to pee me off even more.

[Zaf]

Yes, very very baby steps I'm afraid but from someone that was too terrified to open the door and spent most of he day in bed or in front of the TV last July I can tell you there is definitely light at he end of the tunnel but it can be a bumpy road getting there

Z xx

[glasshalfempty]

Zaf,

the long road ahead is scaring me to death.  I know I should try and be more positive and see the light at the end of the tunnel but all I can see is doom and gloom and more heartache than I know what to do with.  I too won't open the door if I'm home on my own unless I'm expecting a delivery.  As soon as the doorbell goes I mute the tv so no one can hear I'm home.  All my curtains and blinds stay closed and if the phone rings and I don't know who it is, I won't answer it.  The only time I get some fresh air is when I leave the house for work.  If my bf is home he opens all the blinds, curtains and windows and I want to smash his face in for it.  Sounds incredibly harsh and unreasonable of me.  makes me sound like a proper nightmare to live with.  That's why I have to put on a brave face when I'm around him. 

would you believe I have wet washing in the machine from yesterday because I can't face getting dressed to walk down to the shed to put it in the tumble dryer?  How bloody pathetic of me.  I want to shake myself silly and tell myself to get a grip.  If only it was that simple. 

[Munchroom]

Its not pathetic &*( Its because you are ill. I finally talked myself into getting dressed yesterday, opened my wardrobe, stared at all the clothes and burst into tears because choosing what to wear and then the effort of getting washed and dressed was more than I could cope with. Sounds grim but unless I am going out and I feel like that (which is pretty often at the moment) I just put on some comfy clothes and have my shower or bath in the evening when I know I can just fall into bed afterwards.

Baby steps are incredibly frustrating but it does take time to recover from this.

Nay xx

[glasshalfempty]

Nay, that's exactly how it is.  If I have been asked out somewhere (which is a rarity) it's a complete nightmare as I know I have to make an effort and of course I have a whole wardrobe of clothes but I've got nothing to wear....or at least nothing I feel nice in.  Putting on some joggers and a t-shirt is what I call dressing up lately
x

[Sweetpea]

I totally understand what you are saying, I have been there, just getting out of bed was like trying to cimb a mountain  .  Like Zaf has said its baby steps and try not to ask to much of yourself.

S x

[KateG]

I am exactly the same, I freak out when the phone goes, when there's a knock at the door and when the post comes. I could quite easily hide away for years. Joggers and t-shirts are dressing up too.

You're not pathetic, you don't need to get a grip, you're ill and you need help.

I have no solutions but wanted to let you know that you're not alone &*(

[Buttercup]

For you  &*( &*(  You're not alone. 

Baby steps is the way to go.  :)

[Zaf]

Its a daunting prospect to even take the tiniest step on that long road ahead glasshalfempty, allow yourself to rest as much as you possibly can and try not to beat yourself up when getting out of bed seems as big a task as climbing Everest, remember you are ill and its the illness making you feel so bad

Z xxx

[lost rolex]

it's difficult to live up to your own expectations when your depressed, guilty feeling about what you have not done ruin your/our day, you have to put these and other feelings to one side, and live in what you want to,you have to have the time to repair yourself go to the doctor and explain all that you have said and tell them you need some help, your BF should understand, don't fret about what you have not done just try to be ok with what you have achieved.

you have identified problems that can be tackled by your GP you need rest and you need to be alone allow your self this space to just be.


all the best LR