Hello all
I have severe depression. Had it now for 10 months. The first time i noticed it i didn't feel well in myself. I didn't know why. As time went on other signs came to light, the poor appeitie, lose of enjoyment, sleep problems, feeling guilty, tearful, constant lying to myself and other people. At the time i was under a lot of stress. Moved out of home for the first time, moving offices at work, trouble with the flat and the other tenants. I knew i had it but thought i will be fine the next day and so on but i never did feel like the old me. There has been a couple of incidents where it was a friday night i was at a club and my friend turned up. I lied and said i didn't know them when in fact i did. Don't know why i said it.Then things came to head when i told a friend i was going to kill myself. I had enough of people asking me questions and had enough of everyone. They wouldn't leave me alone, wanted to disappear so i said it. That was the start of my suicadial thoughts. I had an emeragency meeting and was informed that if i had sucidial thoughts i would get sectioned so i prented that i was fine when the truth was i wasn't. God the shame i have put everyone through. I went to the doctors put on Citalopram for a week i took the pills went back to the doctors and said i was fine didn't need the pills when in fact i did. Time went by i as getting a lot of sucidail thoughts going through my mind thought i was going mad. Had a appointment to see a psychrictic. Honest i was open up to them. It all came out..Looked at me and said i have severe depression. I knew all along i had it but to tell you the truth i didn't want to face facts. Keep burrying my head in the sand. I have also got high anxiety levels. Suffer with panic attacks, don't like going out, don't want to answer the front door or mobile and land line, curtains are always drawn never opened. I feel safwe in my flat. I was put on Citalopram 20 mg to start with then the dose started to change to 60 mg as was having a lot of suicidal thoughts. I have tried to take my own life before but someone has stopped me why i don't know. Have changed my pill to Floxadine 20 mg. I feel slightly calrm then i have felt in a long wile but still have sucidail ideads going thhrough my head. Recently my friend has just died my best friend of course so feel guilty about that. I have hit rock bottom 3 times now. Not a nice place to be in. Feel like i am going back to that. There is no light at the end of this tunnel that everyone keeps banging on at me.. People don't get me . They tell me to snapp ofut of it, pull your socks up my family don't believe me think i am doing this to get attention. I don't want to be here anymore. Can't see the point of going to work have bunked offed a couple of months, don't want to get dressed, don't want to do bugger all. Why can't everyone let me get on with it. There are no positives about my life only negatives.
