it feels odd,making a reply to my own post.in fact ive probably got it wrong,although i hope in that case i will be forgiven and maybe my error corrected without the cold shoulder ive recieved from some other sites(NOT THIS ONE),which given the subject matter and focus of them,they should know better.....
throughout my illness(es),and particularly during my application for early medical retirement,i had continued doubts about my onw condition-that in some way it was fraudulent and that i ought to"snap out of it"or that maybe i would make an immediate recovery following that retirement.
im not a hypocondriac or anything like it.i dont like dwelling on myself or my condition largely because i was taught early on to look outwards and to be concerned about others not oneself,that others were always worse off.i dont like what feels like my own egocentricity or self centredness.that said i know im harder on myself than i ever would be on others and i also know that it is in part my condition that forces,despite always having choices,some of that focus.
after some 14 months with the whole of my life on hold,on long term sick and essentially biding my time and being very cautious about a lot of things,i thought that once granted my"parole" or"release",i might sort of manage to"hit the ground running"and simply maintain a forward but different direction.
that has proven not to be the case,as slowly some of the new reality for me is sreading out before and around me.
unlike some i did not get the chance to participate in any pre-retirement course or anything like it,although i admit to doubts about such things.haveing beeen essentially told what to do,and increasingly so in apublic sector job which is increasingly micro-managed i would not take kindly to such"help"however well intended especially as one of"nature's"or the worlds discontents!
i know that played its part!i think from an early age i felt different and at odds with the world,always out of step.learning about and becoming a marxist taught me a lot and ive found the thery of alienation very important.evenetually i developed and outlook which i called"being content with my discontent".my rediscovery of gnostic and other heretical ideas in around 2000 strengthened me,although over the last several years,i feel with hindsight that the compact i made with myself inbeing"content with that discontent"has i realised either unravelled or become re-opened,so i need to renegotiate it with myself.
i knew before i "crashed off the tracks"in Decemeber 2010,that this time i was headed to a crisis.part of the generalised background context was seeing myself and my work colleagues being continually demoralised,individuated,isolated,and yes oppressed by it all,as mmanagement techniques take an increasing grip in the public sector.its increasingly about detailed micro-management,with the impositions of protocols,standards and targets about outcomes and behaviour.
its only since my departure that ive realised just how oppressive and repressive this all is.i dont want or intend to gossip about individual managers but as an experienced worker and trades unionist,socialist activist,sho steward and other things,ive long been critical of management in practice and its theories.in the industry i worked in ther seem to be variety of levels of management competence but where it is actually so low that i think people forget their humanity in their eagerness to prove themselves to themselves and the layers above,and simply to prove something.ive long held the idea that the longer the words about treating people decently,represents an inverse relation to content.i continue to hear stories of completely unreasonable expectations.bullying,unreasonableness and worse.it is apparently still the case that when technology,primarily computers fail,which makes recording impossible-there is still no excuse for not recording,and that it depends on the individuals management of their own time.if bad workmen(sic)blame their tools,then when management systems/tools fail-they just blame the workforce.
i realise with hindsight that despite vigilance and experienec i too feel for some of this nonsense.i felt that as a white middle aged male worker(see in identity politics,as priveleged)i could not be having it as badly as my black,asian ,womena nd ayounger colleague.i think now that is wrong.the fact that it happens to those groups probably-undoubtedly more-does not make it any less damaging for me.bullying,undermining,stereotyping,and lots else is whatever it is whoever is the target.
i felt an increasing dissonance between the values i was expected to adhere to and those i was brought up with,tested and lived,and this tension became increasingly difficult for me.i often talked especially to younger colleagues who felt a similar or differenet dissonance of the importance of managing it,of managing their own discomfort and how difficult it often is to draw the line in the sand or elsewhere and to decide whether and how to resist,figgt,stand aside or get out.it seems to me that there are a spectrum or range of choices,its not often as siple as presented in say films.and sometimes carrying people with us is important if say standing aside or resigni is not simply to be self indulgence.but its never easy and i always felt that soem level of unese and discomfort reflected that i or we were in approximately the right moral place-ever vigilant and thoughtful but not making simple choices or concessions.
now i admit,i have some further doubts about my own philosophy as i am now out,for whatever set of reasons.but then i sppsoe i ams till in aplace of constructive unease,though i would not want my choices to determine the fate of anyone else,though i was always careful to say that each of us had to make our own choices weighing up the factors before us,but sometimes that seems disingenuous.
i have talked and written about here and elsewhere of how a weight was lifted as soon as i came out of the meeting that"wrapped up"my retirement,but its only in the weeks,now months since that im realising the dreadful impact of living with and working under such repressive management.it makes sense of the adaptatin that my psychologist/counseellor talked about and which had me initially very perplexed,with"what adaptation"
whilst i realise that the public services have protocols that contribute to elaborating what is and is not acceptable behaviour,i realise that this can also be damaging.clearly it would not be appropriate for say an older white man in a position of amodicum of authority/power to respond to distress expressed by a young black woman in an interview,when she bursts into tears,by hugging her...but in other ways like expecting "us","professional staff"to always act as ambassadors of the service"outside work time and place,never to criticise it is another.and i felt it placed increasing limits on our very humanity-the passing words of greeting,friendly gestures,little touches-but then management control always sees our human desires and needs-from banter over coffee to a toliet break, as enemy to profit and productivity.
for aman who is as personally and socially shy,reservedand private as me,at one level this was easy.im not mostl very tactile or physical anyway.i know too that noone else is responsible for my personality or choices,but that does not make the situation,the ambience andy less repressive.when i hugged colleagues who are now friends,or they me-it began to strike me,and not least that a few days before such a hug would have invited disdain,comment,discipline.
no longer having to be anxious about the job or anything much that goes with it,except by choice which is now mine,my feelings,and my thoughst and my memories have space and depths to roam.this is better than anxiety or the numbness of medication or alienation but its still very emotionally painful,and im in some turmoil.sometimes there is reason associated with particular incidents and events but mostly it simply goes with the change,the adaptation.but i would rater the pain and vulnerability,than the numb alienation.in turn i dont doubt i still alienated,due to the nature of the society in which i live but it might be one or several degrees less,or at least less like being entirely screwed down.
it still pains me greatly to see the stresses born by many others in similar or indeed disimilar work situations,especially where many of those have health problems of their own,but at least i can support them,somehow as best i can.
