Hi everyone, I'm very new to this site and forums in general. I wanted to join as I'm feeling very lonely at the moment and wanted to get it all off my chest..
Until the last 18 months I was very close to my family, with the exception of one of my sisters, she lies and attention seeks and she's malicious too! I started getting down about the rift between us, she ruined my dads surprise party that I spent lots of time, money & effort on, let me down all the time and only contacted me when she wanted something. My other half suggested I spoke to my dad about the problems, and when I was reluctant he arranged it on my behalf and do I had to go really. I spoke to him very honestly and explained that I couldn't go through the heart ache of constantly falling out with my sis and so she's had her last chance with me, surely one big fall out is better than many constant fall outs!?! My dad totally agreed but told me to discuss things with her before I make this final decision and although it'll break his heart, he understands as he has similar issues with his sister. He said he agrees that she's been in the wrong and he'd say that to her face too.
I agreed that I would meet her for the family's sake, but I emailed her with my ultimatum before meeting. Unfortunately she twisted what I had said in the email and I got a phonecall off my mum in tears saying how horrid I am and that I should apologise. The next time I went round my parents house, my dad stood there and told me he never agreed and that he hadn't said anything to me about her, this made me look like a liar in front of my mum and other sister. I left shortly after this confrontation and my relationship with my parents has not been the same since that day. Prior to that day, I saw my parents at least three times a week, now I see them once a month if that! It's completely destroyed the family and I'm getting the blame completely. My sister has gone from black sheep of the family to golden child.
On top of this I have suffered so many problems that I can't talk to my parents about. I have arthritis and have done for the last 10 years, since I was about 15. Last year I appeared a lot better and was taken off my medication, I told my mum & dad this. A few months down the line, I suffered one flare up after another and so now I'm on more medication than before and my parents have no idea.
My other half is setting up a business, he was working at another company when he started setting up, when they found out they sacked him and he had to go to a tribunal! This caused so much stress that he became depressed and ended up on citalopram. T is my rock and many others too, he's always the strong one and so I suffered seeing the strongest man I know crumble.
I started a new job last jan, it was brilliant. Absolutely loved it, however I was slowly doing more and more overtime and the norm became 2 hours extra a day. I work for 3 companies with 7 bosses all of which ask for several things not caring what another has asked for! I described it to my bosses as being stretch armstrong, getting pulled/yanked in all directions! They appeared to be very concerned to start with, however things have completely changed now. They no longer trust my advice (they have no reason not too!) and as their financial advisor/accountant my advice is quite important. The company isn't far off folding, but when I suggest things I get shot down and they don't want to listen and want to bury their heads in the sand. I've become to realise this is because they do not like hearing the truth and find it disrespectful, however I am just telling them facts and this time next month I will prob be made redundant and there's just nothing out there suitable for my level.
On top of this, I became pregnant in 2007 - unfortunately due to unknown medication side effects, being young, not financially stable I had it terminated. I regret this decision every day! I feel like I have murdered a life, part of me & T and just cannot forgive myself. Towards the end of last year, I went to docs with several symptoms and she told me I probably had a miscarriage. I didn't know how to react to this at all, I still don't know what to feel on this. However since that day I went to docs, I have been frightened to have sex with my partner as that's twice I've got pregnant on the pill. I am not in a good place at the moment, but could not terminate another pregnancy. T is becoming very impatient as we haven't been intimate in over 4 months now, and I don't blame him. I know I could use double protection, but I feel like its been so long now, I have other issues in my head that I'm not sure about that are stopping me!
Also, my best friend of 10 years has completely disowned me. One say he stopped returning calls, replying to texts and I have no idea why. This happened before all my problems and I can't see that I've done anything to upset him. I feel so lonely without him in my life, we were like siblings for over ten years. I think the not knowing why has hurt more than the not being in contact any more.
Due to all of the above, and probably a handful of other issues I've got - I was diagnosed with depression in October and was prescribed citalopram, I pay for Counselling at the local MIND group - but I feel like I'm just getting worse.
I have no motivation. I cannot sleep, when I eventually do I have developed sleep apnea. I cannot concentrate. I am always ill with something as I have run myself in the ground. I struggle in social situations. And have become one hell of a jealous cow! I hate who I am at the moment and hate how I can't control it!
More recently I have had suicide thoughts, I would never do it. But I'm constantly thinking 'what if' and struggling to deal with these thoughts. I'm also struggling to build up enough confidence to speak to someone about then, either T, the doc or the counsellor! I'm struggling at the thought of not being able to tell T something too, we discuss everything!!! We are the mist honest & communicating couple ever! It's breaking me that my head tells me I can't just tell him stuff.
I just need some hugs right now
