Please help me I'm really struggling today ... I've been down for a few days but for the last two days I've been really bad.
Last night when my fella got home from work he told me that he was feeling down and feeling like he couldn't cope with our current situation around my ill health, lossing my job etc etc etc. I tried to reassure him that we will get through this together as a couple ... all the time trying to stop myself from bursting into tears!
Today I've really struggled and when my parents came round for a visit (at 2pm) and see how I was doing, I ended up breaking down and telling my parents that the voice in the back of my head was saying horrid things and that I was frightend to listen. My Mum asked me if I was listening to the voice and what it was saying and I was honest with her and said I dont know, I keep hearing it and thinking about it. She asked me what I was thinking and I told her that I feel like I'm a burden to everyone and that they would all be better off if I wasnt here.
My parents have only just left (7pm) after staying with me all day and making sure I was OK and doing bits around the house for me (as I'm still unable to breath properly, stand for very long etc etc). I was put to bed at 4pm as I had a bad attack with my asthma and I'm still there but I was finally feeling a bit more positive until I realised that my boyfriend hadn't texted me all day which is completely out of the ordinary, so I texted him to see how he was and the reply I got was "coping xx". I replied that my parents had been with me all afternoon as I hadnt been too good but he's still not asked after me ....
Well my positive mood has now gone and I'm feeling like I want to scream and cry all at once. I'm trying to ignore that voice telling me to end it all and kill myself.
On a few occassions now since I've been sick my fella has said that he's struggling with it all and I have asked him each time if he wanted to leave but hes always said no and that he loves me, but I'm really now struggling to believe that he wants to stay for the right reason or even that hes going to leave me and then I'll loose everything and I think that would actually be the end as I wouldn't cope.
Guys I'm really scared right now and don't know what to do ... please help me Im sinking :-(
Jilly x
