i hate putting subjects.. what do i put??

[lemonade_shock]

Noone has really written in here, but I really need to get this of my chest.

I think a majour part of my current illness has come from loosing my daughter, she'd be 11 this July.
She was 6 weeks prem, but died 10 days old. I can't even describe the pain it has caused me over the years.
I was young when I had her, and didnt fully 'understand' while I was pregnant, my mum told me she was bringing her up as my sister etc, but I just couldnt have that when she came into the world. She was mine, my daughter, my babygirl. Now ripped from me, taken from my heart.
For the first 2 maybe 3 years I said nothing of her, acting as if nothing was wrong, and everything was normal, people worried at first but then just waited.. waited and waited.. then after a loooooong time.. it hit me, grief. Nasty nasty thing that it is. However, this time being ill (I started getting worse last Augest, now at its peak peak peak!!) it seems like yesterday when I had her, yesterday was the 'thing' happened to get my pregnant. I could write a list here now of what is going on in my head, the mess that is in my head, but a big thing is my daughter. Noone can ever replace her, my angel.

I dont know what else to say. I love her, I miss her, I'd die for her, if it was me or her I'd have happily have chosen her to stay. She would have the best life growing up with my mum and co. but no, leaving me here with the mess to clear up, that and many other things of course. but i want my daughter.. i want her.. just to hold her, even one more time.

I volunteer at a youth group, I have done for 7 or 8 years now, but they are 10-14years old, so its really hard sometimes being with them, watching them. I swear they can see the pain inside me.

 

[Sweetpea]

 &*( for you.  I personally think you do need to talk about your daughter, you are still grieving.  Have you ever had grief counselling? If you feel it will help write your feelings here.

Thinking of you

S x

[KateG]

&*( Lemonade, I'm so sorry for your loss

I had a miscarriage nearly 5 years ago, we had tried for years to have a baby and then I lost mine. I didn't go for counselling at the time and with hindsight I should have done. I can trace everything I'm going through now back to the miscarriage.

I don't know what else to say, other than I understand how you feel

[Zaf]

&*(  I'd say the same about grief counselling xx

[Pete]

I lost my sister last year. Breast Cancer. She was 40 when she was diagnosed. On her 40th birthday to be exact. She battled through a mastectomy,chemotherapy and radiotherapy for almost 3 years to the day but lost her battle last February.

I know its not the same as losing a child and as a parent I can only imagine the gut wrenching pain losing one of mine would cause but for me it was different as my sister was such an important figure for me. Being seperated for some 30 years due to me being adopted out ( see my journal) and being so alone meant that I placed so much emotional value on our relationship that when she died a massive part of me died with her. I will never again be the same person that I was because of her and I will never ever get over the loss of her until the day I die. I don't want to. I know that although I have suffered depression and associated traits since well forever it seems but I also know that the loss of my sister is a major factor in how and why I am the man I am today. The only good I see in my life right now is that hope I have that one day I will once again be with her. It matters less that I have the beautiful family that I do and I know that's wrong but right now that's just the way it is. I don't see it as a blessing that my wife and kids stop me from taking my life to be with my sister I see it as an obstacle forbidding me from what I feel I need. I don't know how long this feeling will last or if I'll ever allow this obstacle to block my destined path or if one day I will simply walk around it.

[lemonade_shock]

Thank you all for your kind kind words..

KateG - I too have had a miscarridge following the loss of my daughter, I can understand the heart ache and pain of that as well. I am so very sorry for your loss, did they manage to find out why? or have you had anything looked into?
I wish you all the luck in the future in a full term pregnancy :-)

Pete - You and your sister were both very strong people to go through the emotional battle of that coaster of adoption then the battle of cancer. You are still strong and have the right people around you to carry on. I can understand you can't be without her, and not even your family can be in the way of that.
Maybe try thinking about the feeling you have now, if you were to no longer be here, that feeling you have now would be passed over to your partner and evenactually maybe even your children. I'm sure youve a strong bond with them.
You are amazing for openly talking about things in the way you do, so give yourself a pat of the back for starters with that!

x

[Ezel]

 &*(

[emmietaylor]

I am sorry for your loss. bundles of hugs to you.