Hi, I'm new !

[mamalou]

Not really sure what to write, other than I am constantly hitting lower lows when I thought I couldn't get any lower !

This episode of depression began in May 2010. Since then, I have had 2 breakdowns, tried many different meds and had the involvement of various different mental health agencies !

Sadly, last week, I was assessed again, after I expressed my wish to end my life, and referred to the Home Treatment Team for the second time in 3 months. I am suicidal and miserable. I also suffer from extreme anxiety which is totally debilitating.

I feel so guilty - I have a lovely husband and 3 great kids - why can't I pull it all together and get on with my life ????

I am taking Venlafaxine 225mg, Quetiapine 150mg and Lithium 1g NONE OF WHICH HELP !!!!

Anyone got any ideas ????????????? Please ? I am DESPERATE ...................

[Sweetpea]

Hello and welcome to the forum, We all understand here and help one another.  I know the feelings you have I also have a lovely husband and 3 children (all grown up now) we have a lovely home and I suffer with depression, it makes me angry but depression is an illness and we can't help it.  I also had to try many different meds until the phych dr I saw found one that seems to work for me.

I have no answers for you, but we are here to listen and help where we can.

I am so glad I have found this forum as I don't feel so alone now.

take care

S x

[mamalou]

Thanks for your message. It's good to know there are others out there who have experience to share x x
 
I am sitting here in bed, weeping as usual, and could really do with calling the team that are managing my care at the moment. But, I can't because I feel guilty ! I know that sounds lame but I cannot shed the feeling of not wanting to let them down which is now denying me some of the critical help that I need ! I am so scared that I can't be articulate when I talk to them that I miss out on the care that I am entitled to ! How screwed up is that ?! 

Rambling, rambling, rambling............................................................

I feel totally nuts !

[Sweetpea]

You are not screwed up you are ill, and thats nothing to be ashamed of.  Its hard admitting you need help, but they are there to help you.  Is there anyone that could make the call for you?  I can't even talk to the dr when I have been bad and have to take some to talk for me, so I do understand where you are coming from.

 &*( for you.

S x

[mamalou]

Thats the trouble - I can't talk - it gets stuck in my throat and I feel foolish. I would ask my husband but he is already really worried after I had a panic attack earlier that I can't bear to worry him more......

You are right though, I am really ill at the moment plus I am professional at criticising myself.

Thanks x x

[Ezel]

 .>, and it will get easier to talk

[KateG]

Hi and welcome. There is no shame or guilt in getting help and admitting how bad you feel &*(

[Zaf]

Hi and welcome, everyone here willhelp as much as they are able xx

[Glen53]

Bless you, it sounds like you are really struggling with all this.  &*(

I can understand the whole 'unable to talk' problem. When I felt so low last year I found it almost impossible to tell my wife how low I felt. How do you tell someone you love that you would rather be dead?

However, i did manage and although Im not through it yet, I feel much better than i did. We will try to help you through all this if we can, just talk to us if you feel able to and we will be here for you.

As a thought, have you ever thought of writing down how you feel? Sometimes words can be hard to express, but writing down how you feel can be a little easier. You can then pass this on to your care team and also to your husband to read so that they can better understand your feelings. I helped a friend do this a few years back and I also did the same for myself last year. I found that as I tried to explain things I got more emotional and eventually could not express how I felt anymore. Writing it down was a handy way to make the care team more aware.

Take care.

[mamalou]

Thanks so much for the kind messages - it makes me so emotional when people are kind - I really don't deserve it.

Sadly, I am suffering the most cruel and unrelenting ( 3 days ) anxiety / panic. I want it to end - I want to die - I need something ?! Don't know what I need and feel a fool when trying to explain.

Had an emergency appointment with the crisis psychiatrist today - to discuss sedation ( GREAT :-(  ) she was so kind and amazingly insightful, so thank goodness for that ! Upped my meds to seriously high levels ( Quetiapine - atypical antipsychotic) so will wait to see if it works !

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhh ! HELP !

[Glen53]

 Im sorry you feel so low. &*( for you.

Have they got a plan other than sedation?

How are you feeling today?

[Buttercup]

For you mamalou  &*(

[Sweetpea]

 &*( for you. 

S x

[mamalou]

Im sorry you feel so low. &*( for you.

Have they got a plan other than sedation?

How are you feeling today?

Not sure what the plan is now. Today I feel absolutely awful. I have started to wonder if I have some awful physical condition ? Then in some twisted sort of way, that may mean there's a way out .............

I feel like I need a vet to put me down - it would be alot less cruel.

Very sorry everyone, the aim of joining up was not to be entirely miserable and depressing - I have lost my "filter" so I just blurt it out.  x x

[Buttercup]

Don't apologise, it's good to be able to talk about the way we feel. I know I can say things here that I don't say elsewhere and it helps :)