Yet Another New User, New Problem Post

[lissodelphis]

Hey all, I see there are quite a few of these 'Hi I'm new this is my story' posts, so apologies if this gets tiresome, but hello, I'm new, here's my story. There's no major big events or reasons in here for my feelings, I just feel so lost, confused, useless, find fault and problems in everything and really don't know what to do, or even if I can sort myself out.

I'm 37, am in a functional relationship of 11 years with my best friend who loves me very much, but is now quite distant from me (probably more my fault) and I am more distant in return (we manage sex about once a year, but the gaps are getting longer). We still get along and I find the idea of us not being together scary, but we are both strained and struggle to find any joy together.

We have lived in several different countries over the years and I always struggle when we return to the UK, but it has always been us following his career and I now feel I need my own life, but I feel pretty useless to employers as I have been very directionless career wise for many years. We have just returned to the UK again after a pretty financially disastrous and unexpectedly short return to a place in Asia we lived previously. We do own a house here, but have family staying in it to cover the mortgage and as we are both now jobless and broke we are staying at my parents, fortunately we do all basically get along, although it is far from smooth. Being back in my childhood bedroom in a town I have not wanted to live in since I was a teenager and dealing with my parents everyday is not helping my feelings of failure.

I started to feel a bit lost and useless when I couldn't help our financial situation last year (legally I wasn't allowed to work where we where and I have little to offer an employer anyway). I got very low for several months, was crying a lot on my own and spent a lot of time wishing I could just go to sleep and not wake up. Mostly I think my depression then was about feeling like I was wasting my life, but not knowing what to do about it. Some things I would like to do felt unobtainable, either because of our bad financial situation (I need to study more) or our location restricting me. I sort of picked myself up for a couple of months, but then the move back and so far fruitless and frustrating job search has set me on a speedy downward spiral again. I know my parents are feeling a mixture of stress and anger over my miserable personality (I was not normally a 'down' person), they are worried about me, but also just have the attitude of 'pull yourself together'.

My situation is not terrible, but I feel so pessimistic about the future, am scared of making more wrong decisions and feel trapped by circumstances to do and be in a place I so desperately don't want to be. I've now been feeling stressed, low and anxious for over a year and am getting lots of irritable stomach issues and small little aches and pains I never had previously. I used to be quite a cheery person, now I hardly ever smile, don't want to talk to anyone think everything is negative and getting worse.

Reading back through this really just makes me sound pathetic and that I should pull myself together and get on with it... which of course just makes me feel even more of a stupid failure......

[Sweetpea]

I for one and I am sure everyone else here would never say 'pull yourself together'.  If only we could do that, people that say that have no idea. .

Everyone here understands and please feel free to say what you feel, when you can.  We will listen and help where we can.

Sorry should of said this first  .>,.

Take care

S x

[Glen53]

Welcome to the forum  :)

You feel how you feel, and its never wrong to feel that way  Its never easy to battle through the day when feeling the way you do, let alone an extended length of time.

As Shaz has said above, you wont have to worry about anyone telling you to pull yourself together on this forum. I have found it to be a very supportive place to be. Try not to be too hard on yourself if you can. It sounds like you have been through quite a bit of late so its not wonder you feel so low.

I hope that we can help you here, even if its just to listen and give you somewhere to express your feelings. 

Take care.

[Ezel]

 .>,

You will get support here and you're certainly aren't pathetic  &*(

[Zaf]

Hi and welcome, I agree with everyone here and no-one here will ever tell anyone to pull themselves together xx

[Luna]

Hello, and welcome.  I have been registered on this forum for quite some time, and may have written something before, but I don't remember doing so.  I just read your post, and i felt such a kinship with what you are feeling.  I too would like to change my life, but do not know how to.  I have had bouts of depression for years, only relieved occasionally (and briefly) by falling in love, which seems to lift me to a different place- maybe its the hormones, I don't know.  I am 48, have been married for 13 years to a very kind and supportive husband, and have two kids of 10 and 12. I have not 'worked' in the career sense for nearly 15 years, and I too feel very frustrated and disappointed with myself for being 'only' a housewife, being financially dependent on someone who I guess has become my 'best friend', like your partner, although I try hard to keep some kind of sexual expression going, even when I don't feel like it.  I have had major obsessions with other men- I CRAVE falling in love because of the temporary relief it has always given me, and I somehow deepdown cannot let go of the idea that if I met my perfect match I would feel happy forever. Like many people who get depressed I 'self-medicate' ie) try to blank out my feelings with alcohol, although I am making big efforts to stop doing so, which is good in one way, but the feelings come back with a vengeance. I keep these feelings completely secret because if my husband knew and decided he couldn't live with me feeling this way, I would feel totally unconfident about my ability to make my way in the world without his support.  Basically I feel like a child- a child who is going to have to go through the menopause in the next few years!!

I could write a whole lot more about my 'story', but like you, do not imagine that anyone else is going to be massively interested in it (of course, our self esteem is too low to imagine that!)  But I was really interested in yours, it instantly made me feel less alone, so i offer this to you by way of saying you are definitely not alone either.  Just another thought- I was referred for psychotherapy a couple of years ago, and I have just started my course of sessions.  When the appointment letter came, it said ' We will help you come to terms with who you are.'  That scared me!a) I'm not sure who I am and b) the little I do know I don't like very much.   Ggaaa!!  Right, I'm off to take my citalopram and clean out my daughter's rabbits.  Deep joy Thanks, welcome again, take care of yourself, Loula x

[KateG]

Hi and welcome. This forum is so supportive and no one will ever tell you to pull yourself together

Kate x

[Desperado99]

 .>, 

as everyone else has said, this is a very supportive place  :)

[lissodelphis]

Thanks very much for the kind replies.

Loula, so much of what you say is exactly where my feelings have been moving around in, especially the part of fearing 'learning to love yourself', for the precise reasons you mentioned. I also have those exact same desires for new exciting love and that also depresses me further as my partner has been nothing but good to me.

If you can please let us know how the therapy goes, I was looking into it yesterday, once I get over the major step of going to talk to my GP about how I feel I think I could really benefit from talking things through with someone neutral.

[Luna]

Hi Lissodelphis, and thank you very much for your kind words too- I had been worried I was deflecting onto me rather than helping, so your reply has made me feel so much better.  I have been for therapy before, but this is the first time I have received help from the NHS.  The analyst is very skilled, and so far, after 6 or so sessions, I am finding it generally very positive, except it does involve opening pandora's box and dealing with stuff that can be painful. for me there are certainly parental issues that have helped shape me, maybe also a certain genetic disposition- how do we untangle those things?  It's the work of a lifetime!  I have a complicated history of personal relationships.  I was married at 23, although I already knew I wanted out for exactly the same emotional reasons I experience today.  We lasted a year until I was unfaithful- I knew at that point there was no going back for me.  In the intervening years until my second marriage, I had three relationships of around 2 yrs, with overlap, and this helped me realise that my natural inclination would be to carry on doing that indefinitely, although I have felt like I wanted those relationships for ever at the start.  It was my desire for kids that made me settle- although I was terrified of marrying again.   In some ways my marriage is good, but the passion issue is a biggie, and it keeps on rearing its ugly head (no double entendre intended

Again I don't wish to deflect from you and your issues.  You are at a different stage, and it sounds like you have definite career ambitions, which is definitely different from me (I was a teacher for 9 yrs, but I really couldn't hack that kind of emotional frontline work now). Also, it sounds like your partner is not entirely happy with things either. Plus, you do not mention having children.  I met up with my first husband after many years recently, and apologised for the way I had behaved.  He actually said that I should be pleased with myself for having the guts to get out, that in retrospect our relationship had evolved in an unhealthy way, and really needed to be brought to an end.  He has gone on to  stick with the same relationship he started soon after we split up, although he too has had issues- for him, realising he is bisexual.  what complicated lives we lead!

I have woken up this morning feeling more positive- healthy food and a good night's sleep do help me!  I hope you have a good day today.  it's a good idea to talk to your GP, and I personally have found medication a great help. They have also helped a friend of mine recently who has been going through a messy divorce. 

As you can see I can write for England!  That, at least, is something I know about myself.  So I'll shut up now.  Loula xx