Hello

[tsp]

I find this embarrassing talk about, and I’m sorry if I go on and waffle.

So i’ve been self harming for about six months, maybe longer, I’m not sure, the last couple of months have sort of blurred into each other. I’ve always had serious issues with guilt and anxiety (and paranoia that comes with the anxiety) I was put on propranolol about a year and a half ago when I was finally pushed by my then boyfriend to seek help. I used to get paranoid about things I’d done when I was a child, and I felt guilty about everything I’d say and do. I had problems with social situations/places with lots of strangers. I couldn’t get on public transport without the intense feeling that I was going to die. But I could function relatively normally without too many panic attacks whilst taking Propranolol.

I used to have really fluctuating moods. About once every two months or so I’d become so hysterical i wouldn’t be able to leave the house and I’d just sleep for days in a row. But I had the support of my boyfriend, and when I was fine, I was good. So I just shoved all the bad feelings under the carpet, the intense bouts of sadness were fleeting and it was really easy to think it was normal, I just assumed everyone else went through the same sort of thing.
The end of august I split up with my boyfriend, we’d been together for about 5 years. I think the change just pushed me over the edge that I’d been teetering on for a while.

I was put on Citalopram, but around Christmas I just stopped taking them. I keep self-sabotaging myself, which is so stupid, but I’m like a broken record.
My parents know about it. But I feel so guilty divulging anything because I know how worried they become which makes me feel so selfish and self indulgent and it’s cyclic because the more they worry the worse I feel.

So I stopped telling them anything, and they think I’m getting better. so here I am. The self harming has gradually gotten worse and I’ve stopped seeing my doctor, which was easy, as i'm sort of in limbo with doctors at the moment, because of university. The self loathing has gotten so bad that I don’t get dressed or leave my room. I don’t tell my friends anything because i hate the thought of them looking at me differently. I found after telling my parents they were picking and choosing what they said to me very carefully, and would always gauge my reaction.

Half of me wants help, and wants to listen, but the other half just wants to pretend that there’s nothing wrong so that I can just carry on like normal. I feel really isolated, and so angry with myself.

When I went to the doctor a year and a bit ago I was put on a waiting list for therapy on the nhs, and it’s taken so long to come through, that it’s only just become available, which seems good now because I’ve gotten worse instead of better, but I’m also really scared for some reason? I feel like I don’t deserve it, I wish I could give it to someone who really needs it. but it’s on Monday.

I don’t really have a point, and again I’m sorry for going on, but it feels good to get this off my chest seeing as i've never really told anyone properly before. Being anonymous also really helps : )

thanks

[Zaf]

Hi, this is the place to let put your thoughts and fears, everyone here will understand without judging xx

[Buttercup]

Hi and welcome.

Your not alone in the way that you feel, I find it helps me to be able to post here, I can say things that I don't tell anyone else.

I understand the paranoia and anxiety that you have, I get the same also relating back to childhood.  &*(

[Rycing]

Hello tsp and   .>,.
Everyone here understands exactly how you feel. xx

[Sweetpea]

Hello and welcome,

We are a friendly bunch of people and we all understand.

S x

[Lynds1980]

Good luck for tomorrow

X

Sent from my HTC Desire using Tapatalk

[KateG]

Hi tsp and welcome. Hope it goes ok tomorrow

Kate x

[Glen53]

Welcome, and thankyou for sharing. Its not easy to tell others how we feel sometimes, especially strangers but it does help to talk and I hope the forum can help you through some of these tough times.

Good luck for tomorrow.  :)

[Liv]

Hi tsp, you seem to have sort of disappeared after a couple of posts but I've been meaning to reply to you since you replied to one of my posts and it sounds like we are in quite a similar situation. Hopefully you'll come back and read this.

Reading what you have said, and thinking about my own experience I would say that you do need to talk to your parents or friends about this. Believe me, I know how difficult it is and it has taken me years to be more open about my experience with depression. I also know that if you just clam up about it, it is very very difficult to get better. I used to get so frustrated with my parents, since they like yours, started to be quite careful about what they said to me and I would hear them muttering about me and saying all these things that weren't really the case. I found out after a while that my mum had even told my best friend's parents not to let me watch horror films or anything like that whilst I was at their house! As if that has an effect on depression..!! They seemed to really get the wrong end of the stick but I know they were trying to help. At that stage I didn't want to tell them anything about how I really felt, so they kept getting things wrong and I would get more and more annoyed and withdrawn. BUT, if you can try to explain what is really going on then it might be easier to get the help you really need. I hope you made it to your NHS appointment? I've found that sometimes these therapy sessions aren't very useful but sometimes you're lucky and find someone who can help.

In the past, I've been very bad with taking myself off and on my medication (prozac) and I would never tell the doctor how I really felt, always just saying "yes, I'm fine" until they would make me do one of those tests for depression which showed I really wasn't and then I would just cry. I've never been sure whether my medicine has really helped but I'm pretty sure that not taking it and avoiding the doctors isn't really a good idea. It just ends up being something else you might feel bad about not doing.

I know these are all really difficult topics but you need to not feel guilty or ashamed and I think that the less you keep things hidden and secret, the less guilt you feel, which is why I would say that talking to someone is a good idea. And don't listen to stupid people who say things about self-harm or anything like that when they have no idea what they are talking about. They are either judgmental or ignorant. Hope you're doing OK. x