So negative

[Lynds1980]

Does anyone else feel that things always go wrong for them?

A bit of background. I had my daughter nearly 7 years ago and was so excited about her arrival. Spent the whole pregnancy wishing she would hurry up and arrive. Then when she did arrive I had a very traumatic time and felt nothing but loathing towards her. I just wanted her to stop crying and shut up and leave me alone. Seeing that in black and white makes me feel awful, so so very guilty.
I guess it was a very bad case of post natal depression. Unfortunately my health visitor didn’t bother with the 6 week check, just figured everything was going ok and I was fine.
I couldn’t voice my fears incase my family thought I was a bad mother, I mean what mother doesn’t love her baby???
Feeling like this went on for months and because I really wasn’t interested my husband stepped in and did most of the work with her. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t hurt her, she was fed and clean and whatever else was needed but I didn’t enjoy any of it. This lead to them having the closest bond imaginable. I was very much an outsider in their relationship.
Eventually I sought help and was prescribed Citalopram. The fog lifted eventually and I started to try to bond with her. By this time she would be 1 so I had lost a lot of time. We did build a good relationship and I love her to bits now but I will never be as close to her as her father is.
Every time something goes wrong I blame myself. Its what I deserve and its because of how I was when my wee one was born.

Now my husband I have split up and she lives with her Dad. To be honest it is the best thing for her, he is still in the family home so she can go to the same school etc etc when I had to move back in to my parents 2 bed flat
I miss her every day and hate being apart from her and just missing her cuddles. I blame myself completely, for both the marriage break up and her being with him. If I had been a better Mum to begin with then she would want to be with me. If I wasn’t depressed during those years then my husband wouldn’t have wanted to end the marriage….

I was very very difficult to live with I know that. Eventually the citalopram stopped working so I was put on Prozac, my miracle vitamin P :) On that my life got a whole lot better. I actually felt better. I would make the rookie mistake of taking myself off meds for a while and ending up back at the bottom of that hill.

So here I am now, in a new relationship (which is going great so far) but because of my history I find myself apologising all the time, for being grumpy, for being clumsy, for getting drunk etc. I am convinced he will get sick of me and ditch me just like my ex did.  I know this isn’t healthy but when things are going well I fully expect something to come along and slap me across the face and turn my world upside down again

How do I stop this negative thinking?

[Sweetpea]

 &*( and welcome to the forum.  You have had a rough time, all I can say is that depression makes me feel guilty and I am always apologising to my hubby. 

You are not alone, we all understand.

S x

[Munchroom]

Hi and welcome  :)

Hindsight is an awful thing isn't it? You seem to be in a much better place now and that is fantastic, unfortunately - as with all of us that have noticed some sort of improvement, it makes us feel incredibly guilty about things we've done when we have truly been unwell and now that we're on the right medication and are thinking of things rationaly it makes us question why we acted the way we did and wish that we could go back in time and change it.
The truth is though that you shouldn't beat yourself up over things that happened in the past, you were unwell and unfortunately, for you, it had a negative impact after the birth of your daughter but at that time you were unable to do anything differently. At the end of the day you are still her Mum and no-one can replace that.

I hope that makes some sort of sense, I feel like its come out as a garbled load of nonsense!

I constantly feel guilty over things I have done - and still do, but this illness is very very cruel. Try not to beat yourself up too much  &*(

Nay x

[Zaf]

Its not easy to stop feeling negative xx

[Got]

To be blunt, you need CBT. This could help you massively, as long as you have a decent therapist.

Love Steve X

[Lynds1980]

Thanks everyone :-)

Do I need a doctors referral for CBT? Or are there any organizations I can contact myself

X

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[Sweetpea]

My dr referred me for CBT with MIND as the waiting list on the NHS in our area was so long.  You maybe able to get it through MIND dirtectly.  Just put MIND into your search engine to find your local centre.  You will find email and phone number contacts.

Hope this helps.

S x

[Zaf]

I think there are people that do CBT privately but I'd make sure they are registered with their professional body whatever it is xx

[Lynds1980]

Thanks guys

Think that's my task for Monday

X

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[emmietaylor]

Hey, welcome to the forum
instead of thinking of something negative, think of something positive and do it. if you like beauty and hair stuff like me, going and get your hair and nails sorted. If you like reading, pop to your library and a book of something you are interested and read it, start a blog and get into hobbies. all these things are great to boost confidence, some activities like getting nails done can be quite expensive though. But you try out new looks., you can easily buy them for a fiver and do them yourself. Treat your daughter to something maybe a meal a out or going somewhere special there are lots of things you can.