Back again.

[Sallas]

Was doing good this week then someone posted pics of me on facebook and i wanted to erase my esistance right that second. The worst thing about hating yourself is you cant get away, u cant take a break not even for a second. Ive let myself go the last while, food has been a great comfort lately ive been so up and down. U know when eating u dont think u actually just switch off, thats helped me. But the pics i saw disgusted me. I dont want to leave the house tomorrow. Im struggling to think of a reason to fool myself into being ok tomorrow. Ive been hitting the drink pretty hard too & im exhausted from it all, but both have genuinely helped me survive the last couple of months, im at a point now that i dont want to eat or drink but i dont want to think fullstop either and its the only way i know how to stop myself. I already know im not goong to sleep tonight but i cudnt physically drink and i dont think i cud handle a valuim or xanax hangover tomorrow, just ranting i suppose. One of those nights.

[cornish]

firstly rant away.

when im really hating my self i have found that making a play dough person vaguely modeled on your self and then destroying it can be deeply satisfying. ive not be doing this for long and the reason i originally did it was due to me being in a delusional state where i needed to make a voodoo doll of my self that i needed to destroy.  it gets fairly complicated as to why i made my own play dough instead of using wax and what i wanted to do.
i have no idea if im talking any sense or if any of this is actually useful.

all you need is :
1/2 cup salt
1/2 cup water
1 cup flour
just mix them up and add some colour.


i struggle a lot with facebook and a lot of the time i just suspend my account. the odd few times i have it active im filled with fear of people contacting me

[Sallas]

I actually like that idea, knowing me though id probably end up baking the dough and eating it Ha Ha. Facebook is a big part of my mask. Its were I show people that Im not dying inside on a daily basis. I do tend to block people alot, my version of dont look at me, im sure the people i have blocked think im being a bitch but its not as easy as that. I really appreciate the post, its a good idea. Not sure i can let my anger out on myself though, even in dough form, im not sure i can control myself from a full scale breakdown, if i even let a little out. I think im just gonna sit, pretend eveything is ok, and hopefully keep the mask up tomorrow.

[KateG]

I used to think FB was great but then I struggled with FB too because of the lack of privacy and control, and even after staying friends with the people I wanted to, they were still friends with people I didn't want contact with. It got so complicated blocking people that I suspended my account. My real friends know my mobile number and my address so that's all I need.

I may make play dough Kate tomorrow, thanks for the recipe cornish