Citalopram and paranoia?

[supportme]

Over the last few weeks, I have been very restless, and extremely anxious when I am around people. I have away had a really close relationship with my dad. My dad has always been very protective over me. He has never approved of my boyfriends (I guess that is just good judgement), but even before, when I was happy with my ex boyfriend, I felt like I desperately wanted to break away from my parents, and start a new life away from them. ASAP! My dad is pretty snappy towards my mum, and I have found myself in middle of their arguments for years. My brother was confident enough to move into his uni. whereas I was more happy with staying at home and commuting into London. My brother never experienced the full extend of my dad's regular bad moods. I hate being stuck everyday with my dad.

I haven't mentioned this before on the forum, but I guess that explains why I want to run away. I think that is another reason why I was devastated when I lost my boyfriend, because he promised we would find a place together soon. I believed him

My dad is shouting less, because I am sick, but I know as soon as I improve he will get mad again. I have spoken to my mum about this before. She told me lots of secrets not to tell my brother, but when I ask, she said he never abused me. I told my boyfriend at the time, that I had suspicions that he had abused me. I don't want to share too much why I think this, but I feel like I can't really connect in 'relationships'. My boyfriend knew everything about me, and he made me believe that he loved me for it G-d that hurts.

Anyway, I'm not sure if citalopram is making me feel paranoia towards my dad. I hate it when he touchs me now. When we are sitting down he slaps me on my legs, he kisses me on ear, and puts my feet on his lap. I don't want him to touch me! I tell him to stop, but he keeps forgetting and carries on.

I don't know what to do. I wish someone was online . How can I not trust my dad? I don't want to be touched by any man, where is my boyfriend
   

[supportme]

I was his

[KateG]

Supportme &*(

I'm online, this insomnia has to be good for something....

I tried citalopram 3 years ago, I lasted on it 2 days because of the sheer paranoia I felt towards everything. Not my greatest moment in an asda car park..... But that's another story.

I think you have to trust your mum on this one, unless you really think she's wrong, you say you've always had a great relationship with your dad and maybe he just forgets like you say because it's just habit and most dads never approve of boyfriends, no matter how nice they are.

Don't let one horrendous heartbreak destroy your trust in all men, most of them are decent

[Glen53]

Its a tough one to call.

Citalopram can make you feel a little paranoid sometimes. I was on 40mg recently and found it made me worse in the way I felt about everything. I would see more negative points to nearly everything I did and didnt realise it was related to the meds until i stopped it and felt much better.

It might be worth speaking to your GP about this and asking if you could try something else, although they may want you to have been on it for a while first. You do certainly need to mention the paranoia feelings you have though especially if you think they are stronger than before the meds.

As for the feelings and thoughts you have relating to your dad... Its a really hard situation for you to be in. I think the medication may be enchancing feelings and fears that you have, but am i right in saying that they were there before you started the Citalopram? If so, then you must have been be feeling unsettled before all this for a reason. Most of the time we get these feelings there is a perfectly innocent reason that we are over-thinking, but they can be warnings about the situation you are in. When we feel so low, its hard to tell them apart.

I would suggest that you try to politely ask him not to be physical with you in any way at the moment as you feel very insecure after your breakup. Just use the illness as an excuse and say that you are not trying to hurt him - that you just feel uncomfortable and need a bit of physical 'space'. He should understand this.

I cant imagine how uncomfortable you must feeel with all this - not knowing if its yourself being paranoid or whether your mind is trying to protect you from something more sinister. I would certainly suggest that when the time comes, you bring this up with a councilor, GP or Psychiatrist as its a huge burden to carry alone.

As always, Im here if you need to talk. Just message me.

[supportme]

Thank you, Glen. Yes these feelings towards my dad have been there for a few long time. He does touch me in places I deem inappropriate for a dad to touch me. Like my bum. I do believe I am trying to protect myself. I've seen him look at me.

Scary :/

[supportme]

oh, and I literally can not remember anything from my childhood.

[KateG]

Supportme if you feel he's being inappropriate in how he's touching you, that you're scared and you have this nagging in your mind that something has happened then you do need to talk to someone like Glen said. These fears and thoughts will just get worse if you don't. &*(

[Glen53]

I agree.

As I see it from here you have two main choices: Try to move on and seperate yourself from him a bit or talk to someone and try to unlock some of your childhood memories. Its clear that how he is acting is making you feel uncomfortable so continuing on without doing anything is not really a sensible option.

If you do decide to look into your past with a proffessional it will be very tough on you but it may just answer some of the questions you have and give you some bearing on how you deal with that knowledge. It could ultimately lead to some kind of closure on all this and allow you to move on, but as said it will be very tough to face IF there is something sinister there that you have blocked out. If you have a good relationship with him it may lead you to some truths that you feel really uncomfortable with and could make things difficult for you - if he has done something in the past, would you take it any further? It all leaves a bitter taste 

Of course this is all assuming that there IS something there, it could just be the illness making you see things that are not there, but the way you describe him touching you (from an outsiders point of view) doesnt sound quite right to me    It goes without saying that if you do speak to someone, keep it between yourself, them and us for now - talking to him may upset him regardless of whether there is any truth here or not and could damage your relationship if its all perfectly innocent.

I can only support you in this so far as this is all very personal to you, but I will be here to listen to you no matter what.

Take care. x