surviving!

[lozzylou]

Well I'm having a day to myself, was just sat watching tv and I realised I felt different. I'm relaxed, my whole body feels different, I'm sitting differently and there are no knots inside me! This is definately the way forward!!
Hope all is ok with u guys today . X

[Stormy]

That's great that you're feeling good, long may it continue!

Recently I've noticed that I can take a really big deep breath and actually feel my stomach muscles relax. It's such a novelty, but a wonderful feeling!

Enjoy your day x

[lozzylou]

The good feeling didn't last long. I'm trying not to dwell on it now. Got to about 2ish and started feeling dizzy and weird in my head again. Then the thought that my husband was away again tonight and I'd have to deal with the kids and sit alone all eve came along. I'm so anxious now. This isn't me! I've always been confident and strong and my own person and so proud to be but now I'm hiding behind this stupid feeling of stress and anxiety and I just want to run and never come back! (I'd never do that to my children they are the reason I get up of a morning, but doesn't stop me thinking of it) What suddenly changed at 2 I have no clue, but I'm glad I had those few hours of relaxation!

[Stormy]

Oh no! That's such a shame that the feeling didn't last, but even reading over your first post is inspiring to me, I hope you can see that too.

I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say 'This isn't me!', isn't it horrible when you know you can be so much better, but your mind just whirrs so fast that you can't think straight enough to fight back and be the person you know you really are. I hope that makes sense, it's certainly how I feel!

I hope you got on ok in the end. x

[lozzylou]

Firstly I just want to say thank you! I was unsure wether to write all that yesterday because if I'd have said to my husband this is how I feel, he would put it down to me being dramatic and probably say something along the lines of 'well I've got to work, do u want money or not' and I'm so glad I got a response from you saying that u understand and can relate to how I feel!
I ended up taking myself off to bed at 8.30 just to get away from myself, I couldn't sit welling up much longer. I just had to tell myself this is the situation and that's how it is till tomoro night and that's that!
Thanks again! X

[Stormy]

Aw you're more than welcome! How funny, I came on this forum for some support and ended up lending my own

I'm the same with my partner, I try to tell him I'm having a bad day and he replies with: "Well my day was worse, I got stuck in a meeting for two hours and a delivery didn't arrive then I missed the bus on the way home." And of course I sympathise, but to me that sounds like NOTHING compared to a bad day of mine! So then I just shut up because I don't think it's worth moaning.

I'm guilty of really early nights too, or long baths, just so that I don't have to do anything else. Although I can't imagine being in your situation having kids must put so much pressure on you! I bet you're doing a better job than you think.

Lets just get though today, that's what I always tell myself.

[lozzylou]

Are you new to here too?! U r a very good support indeed! What's your story? (If u don't mind me asking)
I don't really blame our other halves really, Im not sure I'd be able to cope too well if I was on the other end of it! My husband does try I suppose, but what he says doesn't always come out well (maybe a man thing)
The kids are always very hectic and I feel maybe bounce off me and how I'm feeling and acting, so a lot of tellings off happen in our house then I feel bad for shouting and not enjoying them as I should then I cry. But I'm glad I've got them, they do make me giggle a lot and like I said I don't think I'd get up in the morning if it wasn't for them!
Do u mind if I ask how u r coping with work? I seem to do a month or so absolutely fine and then my body and mind decide I've had enough and I end up with a wk or so off!! I've only been in the job 6months and already been off sick 3 times for a week or so each time! Don't think its going down too well :/ xx

[Stormy]

Yes I am new :) I joined because I started a computerised CBT course and I saw that someone had posted on here about it. I really just needed somewhere to vent/chat that isn't connected to anyone. I don't want to burden my friends and family with what I hope is a temporary illness!

So my story, of course I don't mind you asking. I have been feeling really low, sad, demotivated and anxious for about two years on and off, and about 9-10 months ago it started being all the time. Every day I'd struggle to get out of bed and concentrate at work. I decided to go to my GP when my boss noticed that I wasn't performing as well as I had been and was diagnosed with depression.

That was only at Christmas, so it's all still pretty new to me. I still feel like I'm going mad and that I should be able to 'pull myself together'! But you know as well as I do that it's not that easy! I've been on medication for about 6 weeks and not really noticed too much difference in my mood, but I know it takes time.

I started the computerised CBT course last week and although I'm finding it quite difficult to stay focused, it's not too challenging and I'm trying to complete all the tasks in the hope that it will magically start working!

I'm not really coping very well at work at all at the moment. I'm really struggling to get all my work done as I spend a good majority of my day feeling really low and not being able to concentrate. Then I miss a deadline and feel even worse! Sounds like the same vicious circle you're going through with the kids in some ways.

I haven't had to take any time off yet, but I'm getting really concerned about my performance. I'm doing the minimum to get by and my boss seems happy for now, but I know I could be doing so much better. I haven't had to take any time off for my depression, I'm not having too many physical symptoms, just exhausted from not sleeping really.

Does your workplace know the reason you've been off? I have told my boss a little bit (the sugar coated version!) so that I can go to appointments without any problems and that was quite a relief actually. I think if I did have to take some time off they would be really understanding. I just can't decide if I'm better off at work trying to get some of my tasks done, or if a rest would do me good or make me worse!

Your kids sound sweet, I am a very new auntie and a few of my friends have little ones, I love being around them.

Bit of a long one, but it's nice to be able to share, I think. So thank you for asking. x

[lozzylou]

So u just had it appear out of the blue? How very random! I thought there had to be a specific reason for it all, like I think mine was a bad birth experience that sparked mine off and I just can't let go of it and everything else piles up on top. The feelings of guilt override most other feelings. I know I should let go of it all and I know the things I do and say are irrational but I just can't help it. Suppose that's the crazy thing, we know all this stuff is wrong and we shouldn't feel like it but it just really cannot be helped!
I mentioned to my boss before xmas when I was off it was because of depression and they were understanding and said some of my collegues had been through it so if I needed to talk, she would ask them to have a word. But I can't help thinking when is the last straw for them?
Are you finding the CBT helpful? I've never really looked into much else as treatment to be honest. Really thinking about counselling again, something has to work surely! X

[Stormy]

I'm guessing that something has triggered the cycle of negative thinking that has led to depression, but I honestly can't think of anything that would have done that. It might be a combination of events, I guess I'll find out when I finally get to the top of the waiting list for counselling.

But my doctor did say there doesn't necessarily have to be a reason, it's so frustrating because it makes me feel like I should be able to pull myself together!

we know all this stuff is wrong and we shouldn't feel like it but it just really cannot be helped!

That's exactly how I feel! Isn't it funny that you think you're the only one struggling away and then someone in the same situation says EXACTLY what you're thinking.

That's really good about your boss, I was surprised how understanding mine was too. Mine actually put me in touch with a friend of hers who has been suffering with anxiety for a long time, and it was really good to speak to her and hear her experience. But I'm finding this forum really good too, I can talk without worrying that what I say will get back to my partner or my boss or friends - not that I'm hiding anything from them, but I don't think they would understand!

I'm only on my second week of CBT, I found it quite difficult to start with because it made me focus on how I was feeling and make notes about when and where I was when I was feeling bad. But the second week was a lot better, I realised that I don't need to think too much about what it's asking me to do, just do all the exercises and see how I get on. I need to have lower expectations! No doubt I'll post on here about how I get on.

When did you go for counselling? I am on the waiting list with my GP, but I've heard it's going to take months to get an appointment. I'm not really sure how I will get on, like I said, there's no experience in my life that I could attribute to a trigger for depression.

Have you asked your doctor about other treatment? It was mine who put me on to the computerised CBT course. They say it gives you practical tools to help you cope when things get really overwhelming, which I think is going to be really useful!

Wow my posts are getting longer and longer!! Sorry if it's taking you ages to read! I guess it's good to talk (type!) x

[lozzylou]

no don't apologise, reading your posts are givign me something to focus on, some relief even!
High expectations, people keep saying that to me, that I need to stop trying to do it all and have a spotless house, happy kids, dinner on, ironing on the go, take dog for a walk and then off to work! Just get up make sure kids are fed and happy and sod anything else!
Easier said than done though as I'm sure u know!
I had counselling after my daughter was born 2.5 years ago, was about a 6week wait. I had one session and found it awful. I sat and cried about being less of a woman because I can't seem to give birth and I've ended up with c sections both times. Silly I know. The counsellor was a bloke, so just asked ridiculous (but probably just generic questions) about 'why do u feel like that' 'why did u do that' and he just annoyed me! I didn't know the answers, that's why I was there! He also said I had OCD which I didn't agree with and got pissed off with him so didn't go back! Don't think it was anything in particular he had done, I just hated sitting there crying the whole 45mins!!!

How have u been this weekend?  X