Hi

[KateG]

Hi, my name is Kate and I feel lost

I used to be a happy outgoing person, now I'm just a sad lonely person who stays in bed hiding under the duvet all day and cries. I have panic attacks all the time, I'm scared to go out, I'm scared when the phone rings.

4 years ago I had a really nasty miscarriage, my husband and I had tried for so long to get pregnant and the pain of it all and how we dealt with it separately resulted in us splitting up 3 years ago. Then i met a really great guy, who loves me to bits, but because of something he did, it's cost me my career and I'm now scared I'll lose my house and everything else too. I still love him and want to be with him, I guess I'm just grieving for everything that's gone. Meanwhile my husband had emigrated to a sunny place with a great job, and I'm stuck here not understanding why everything has fallen apart in my life.

I'm addicted to zopiclone, which only works now for a few hours and then only if I mix it with alcohol, which I know I shouldn't do, I'm so tired, all I want is a decent night's sleep but I can't get one. My mind races all the time, it won't ever switch off. My GP also gave me seroxat, which is useless and just makes me feel sick. Last week my best friend and my partner had to ring crisis intervention because I confessed to them that I wanted to end it all, I just want out. I saw one of their nurses late last week and have an appt with a consultant early next week. I hope they can give me something to stop the pain I'm feeling because I can't stand it.

I don't want to live this life anymore, I'm just this shell of a person who exists.

Please help x

[Spid]

I wish I knew how to help - but stay with it and there will be others more experienced than I to offer support.

[ajay]

hi kate

ive tried zopiclone and it didnt work for me. ive also had seroxat which didn't help either. finally a combo of chlopromazine and venlafaxine helped me to stop endlessly crying. the chlopromazine helped with the racing thoughts and obsessive thoughts.

ive been on the IVF treadmill which is difficult, i lost one of my twins then had complications. diagnosed with PND and ignored when i told them my son was sick too ( mother imagines child is ill - symptom of PND) he suffered for four months before getting the treatment he needed which piled up the guilt. i ended up in hospital for a few weeks - breakdown.

i was hallucinating and having episodes due to sleep deprivation so totally understand the need to sleep. it can get better but its not an instant fix. im on a relapse after coming off meds against doctors advice. my doc has been great and i hope you get the support you need.

sending you hugs x

[Liv]

Hi there KateG,

I haven't experienced the things you have mentioned but I know those feelings you've had. I have seriously wanted to end everything because things were just too difficult. I think it was not so much that I wanted to die, I just felt like I wanted everything to stop and it's so difficult to see any other way out sometimes.

I have experienced my family falling apart, not having a home (not on the streets or anything, just no home of my own), heartbreak, mourning and other things that have made me feel so so unlucky and look at other people and think why do they get to just live their life whilst I am in turmoil. And I suffered from insomnia for years and have spent weeks where I have hardly left the house or socialised. Sometimes, when I feel low I just can't talk to people and feel painfully self conscious and like I have nothing to say and I am boring and miserable. But when I feel OK, I know that that's not true and I'm sure it's the same for you. You say that you used to be a happy outgoing person but remember you are actually still that person, even if you don't feel like it and feel like you can never get her back. That person is always a part of you, and I'm sure she will come back at some point.

I don't feel like I can really comment on your situation but I just know from experience that sometimes awful things happen and it seems unfair and too much to cope with but if you can pull yourself up again, somehow (I'm not sure how I have done it in the past to be honest, sometimes things do just slowly get better on their own) and slowly scrape yourself back together, you'll remember the person you feel you used to be and remember that her life is worth living for.

[Ezel]

Hi Kate,

You have suffered loss because of your miscarriage and I am wondering if you have managed to work through the loss of your child. Your feelings are very real and probably the best people who can help be supportive are mothers who have lost a child through miscarriage or stilborn.  The nearest I can get to understanding what you've been is that I was coerced into surrendering and the pain of that was raw for years.  Of course I was fortunate that we did reunite so I know he is alive and well.

I've never been prescribed anything to help me sleep as none of the doctors I've had over the years have agreed with giving sleeping tablets.  One of my meds is for pain relieve - I can't be bothered to get the box but it;ssomething like Amlitrypline - which does help a bit and I find I also doze in the afternoon.

You are heading in the right direction as you have been honest how you're feeling.

Pip
 

[KateG]

Thank you all for your kind words. O666, your post made me cry because it was such a lovely thing to say

I just know from experience that sometimes awful things happen and it seems unfair and too much to cope with but if you can pull yourself up again, somehow (I'm not sure how I have done it in the past to be honest, sometimes things do just slowly get better on their own) and slowly scrape yourself back together, you'll remember the person you feel you used to be and remember that her life is worth living for.

 &*(

[Liv]

 :)

[Glen53]

Welcome Kate.

I hope that the appointments you have coming will provide you with some support. It sounds like you have had some really tough times and Im not surprised you are feeling so low.

This forum has been very beneficial and supportive to me since i have been a member. I too had very dark thoughts at my lowest point last year and the folk on here managed to talk me through some terrible days. I suppose the worst part for me was feeling so alone regardless of the fact that I have a loving wife and this place really did make me feel I was not fighting on my own any more.

We are here to listen any time you need to talk. Some days you may not feel like writing much, other days you might not be able to stop (like me!) but feel free to share whatever you feel able / confident to even if its just a rant at how unfair life can be.

 &*( for you. You sound like you need one.

[KateG]

Thanks for the hug Glen  :)

I know what you mean about fighting on your own. My partner is really trying to help, and I know he loves me so much but he doesn't understand the inside of my head. I really scared him last week when I confessed I was suicidal. Before that he thought I would just "snap out of it".

I'm glad I'm here and writing all this down really helps even if the outside world isn't a great place at the moment.

[Zaf]

Hi and welcome xx

[Glen53]

Its strange isnt it? When you feel depressed you can be in a room surrounded by friends who care and still feel like the loneliest person on the planet. Its a horrible disease to have.

I hope that we can help you. It makes a real difference to speak to others who have been through similar and can empathise with you. I dont mean to talk down friends and family in ANY way at all - my wife really has been my rock these last few months, but there are times we just dont make sense to anyone who has not suffered depression themselves. Im terrified sometimes im making my wife upset with all the feelings I talk about as she tends to see it as a failing on her part. 

I hope you find as much support here as I have

[Sweetpea]

Hello and welcome  :) :).

S x

[Got]

Sorry to hear the way you are feeling.

I hope you get through this. This forum is very supportive.

Love Steve X