Hey I posted here a while back for anyone who hasnt read my first post on here:
Basically back when I was 16 I had quite serious cerebral palsey, I couldn't really walk that much and I found myself in a wheelchair for most of my life up until that point and I could only ever walk short distances I also felt alienated and different as a result of this. Though at this time I underwent a few major operations and by the time I was 18 I was much more mobile and I could walk long distances and also I didn't need to use my wheelchair, but this required a lot of physiotherapy. Combine this and my struggle to do A levels and I didn't have much free time at all.
Thankfully though I pulled through and managed to go to Northampton uni, although unfortunately it didnt turn out that well, I enjoyed my first year a lot but it papered over a lot of cracks. My lack of social life before I came was very apparent as there are times when I would get really down and because I'd come across quite a few negative people who took advantage of my insecurities just to make themselves feel better.
Second year things got worse as I thought that I didn't want to around of group of people so negative I decided to stay in halls again, but instead of meeting new friends I moved in with a group of 3rd years at the time who kept to themselves a lot, they were already in their own group and because they had a lot of work, this coincided with a group of people who I never really got to know and I didn't really get on with them particularly well. During this time I met a girl who I found really attractive and I could really relate to, but because I didn't have any friends at the time, whenever I became bored I would overthink and my negative attitude put her off. This was compounded by the fact that her disability was temporary, my negative attitude about it was very similar to hers, once her disability had gone though she didn't want anything to do with me anymore and she also wanted to move on from her past.
Come 3rd year and things got a bit better, I made some friends but not any close ones, they were all freshers who all knew I was leaving at the end of the year so I think they were planning ahead as a result of it. Luckily, despite my struggles during A levels and social issues at uni I managed to get a 2:1 and a 1st in my dissertation for Earth Science which was a huge relief.
6 months later though and the real world is sinking in, I struggle to move on from the girl I met in my second year she was more then a pretty face and had a great personality, the best thing I'll never have. I have always gone through life feeling as though I have a great lack of responsibility and that I am a liability.
In the summer of 2010 I went to Camp America, it was really tough though as I was working in a kitchen that was overstaffed as a result I didn't do much work at all, the kitchen workers were never popular as they got paid more then the counsellors for doing a much easier job, all of the kitchen workers were eastern European too so I found it hard to get to know them. I felt alienated and unintentially discriminated while I was there, but I stuck through it and I've got something worthwhile to add to my CV at least.
That was 3 months ago
Since then Ive got a work experience placement but the people who I’m working with aren’t sociable at all, so once work ends I don’t have anything to do, nothing to cheer me up. I want to get my social life back on track, I want some close friends and Iwant my life to have meaning, I feel so lonely and isolated
, I want to get myself out there but I don’t know what I can actually do. I seem to always be in the wrong places
I worry about what the future could hold for me, every week that goes by feels like a week wasted
