HI all My Doctor said it was new, maybe newer than most Mental health meds.
I do suffer from Night terrors and flashback the night terrors are not text book i just wake sweating and cold and clammy, with the intense feeling of fear, the flashbacks are something i have had since the accident but never recognized them as such it just pops into my head i can be making a brew, sitting in a chair or even talking to someone
The worst ones are when i had my first injury i was alone at night on a dirt track and the pain from the resulting shock was so intense, the most vivid are of the scum bags who let this happen of there smiling faces, if i am driving i make a conscious effort to recognize some triggers if i see the group i worked for they set me off, i used to laugh about it at first i put that down to morbid humor like trying to laugh it off, but for years i have found it more and more intrusive i hate anything to do with them it's like i am tarring all with the same brush. whiuch i am i will give nobody a inch when it comes to them
Lying cheating low life scum bags, full of self preservation at any cost, but hiding behind this glossy self important image.
My flashback are like feeling as if i am not fully in the present moment, but instead i am in the past. i am actually seeing things that happened in the past and experiencing the event as if it were happening now.
they must pop into my head a least 100 time a day even more.
I have to remember that some flashbacks have triggers and a remind me of a traumatic events, i am aware of these triggers, it's like i am functioning like a robot still maintaining safety first, i found that when i see a old work group vans/or employees the fear is first then flashbacks/ but i call this a unwanted memory , i have learned to control them as i go out with the intention of seeing them, this can be incredibly disruptive and unpredictable as my event happened over 14 months and some one on one issues and events are difficult to manage.
i have only been on the medication for a week of so but already i feel a lot calmer but it still intrudes on my life on a daily basis, i find myself pacing and thinking about it a lot just to stop the flashbacks, but then when i drift off the subject in my mind it pops back i am trying to control that as well.
my councilor calls me stubborn, hard and unfair on my self, but i am just trying to be in control to stop the mental pain, it affect all my family i can be doing something and then i get this intense feeling of anger at a certain person and just go off in my head, the r voice is very clear and i know now what they where trying to achieve, f*** with my mind in a safe environment, which is worse than combat to me, because your not on guard you don't expect it, then when i comes it's like a bolt from the blue, why i keep asking myself why.
To gain what and to close ranks like they have, i can fight fire with fire, i could have the 2 guys who have been warned off backing me dealt with one word from me and i know that could happen. i could give them the choice of a rock and a hard place dammed if they do and dammed if they don't.
At the moment as fare as there concern they have washed there hands if the whole situation and sitting pretty, they keep stum and all will pass them by and with them thinking i am not that sort of guy to offer them a way to explain there side through encouragement of a kind through one of my contacts who is very loyal, but what the hell what would i achieve if i went ahead and put up the same repercussion for them keeping silent as they face if they where to tell the truth.
one of my thoughts is that they have not removed the guys statement yet from there side who statement points the finger to another form of accident on the wrong date, if this guy shows up in court i will nit forgive myself for not having given him the choice.
it's not a matter of how low can one stoop. it;s a matter of using all available resources when a secret is being kept from the light.
thanks all for listening
LR
