Feeling nothing towards your partner

[hybridtoy]

I don't feel a connection between me and my girlfriend anymore but I don't know whether it is because I've genuinely lost those feelings for her or whether it is because of my depression. I don't want to break up with her and then one day sort my head out and then regret breaking up with her for the rest of my life, but I also can't just leave things because that leaves the pressure on myself and is also unfair on her (although i haven't mentioned it to her). I don't open up to her and I don't have any friends who I can talk to about this kind of thing. I'm also a little scared of going back into the dark place that I was in a long while ago before we got together because I definitely couldnt handle that again. Ive been finding it hard to deal with the past recently and how much time I wasted not sorting my brain out.

Anyway back to my main point, has anyone else found them in the same relationship problem and can anyone offer any help please?

[Zaf]

I think its pretty common hybridtoy, it certainly happens to me but as my depression improves my feelings come bac.

[hybridtoy]

Cool, thanks Zaf. I hope the same happens for me

[Zaf]

I hope so too xx

[Rebel Ian]

Hybridtoy - I share your pain and you have my sympathy. I'm in a similar boat except exchange girlfriend for wife of 15 years  . I don't know whether I'm down because I'm not happy at home or if I'm not happy at home because I'm down.

Do I risk both wrecking her life AND my kids' too or do I sit it out with the possibility that I'll never be happy?  .

Hope you make the right decision mate.

[Bewildered]

As the person who got left..I urge you to stick it out. You shouldn't make life changing decisions right now and unless your partner is actively doing something to make you unhappy it's just not the right thing to do...trust me...it's bad enough being the other half and wondering if your partner is depressed because of something you did and being frustrated that you can do nothing to help..if you leave well speaking from experience it's a crushing blow and after 3 months i still cannot get through a day without crying and picking apart every single piece of my life for the last 10 years trying to see where i went wrong...you can leave and tell your partner that it's NOT their fault but those are just words and they don't mean a thing...in my opion actions speak louder.

I know that as a person with depression you think that leaving will help...you and maybe you even think it's better for your partner...so taht they don;t have to deal with you...but it's NOT. For me it's like suicude..it's ulktimately a selfish act and you don't have to deal with the fallout because you are gone...so please...don't leave and don't listeb to those thoughts and doubts...and even if they are actually REAL thoughts and you really have lost your feelings for her well you can at least wait until you are better to re-evaluate.

[Buttercup]

I have a incredibly supportive husband who I love very much. Before Christmas I almost pushed him away. He knew I wasn't well and stuck through it with me. Now I take Prozac & things are a lot better. I love him very much and always have, just couldn't cope with emotions then. I still feel numb at times but I couldn't be without him and he understands xxx

[Bewildered]

It doesn't always work out like taht though. i dod nothing but support my partner and came to this forum so i could understand what was going on but sometimes no matter what you do they just leave and all I am trying to get cross is that if you can help it at all...do not leave...and I am saying taht to the one with depression...I have no sympathies for the other partner leaving. I would never abandon someone because they were ill. My partner and i were together for 10 years and this illness has made him unrecognizable but I would take him back in a heartbeat as I still love him.

[supportme]

Hi hybridtoy, I was in your position but the other way round. My ex boyfriend was doubting his feelings about me when I became depressed. He couldn't tell me he loved me anymore, I had to ask him, and he would refuse. It is so painful, even now.

My parents were great during this time, because I wanted to end my relationship with him because he wasn't being supportive enough. They told me not to rush anythign or trust my feeligns during this period, because depression makes you do irrational things.

I tried hard but I broke up with him, only to regret it, he knew how very ill I was, I begged him to love me again. He told me I was his world. That I was his one.
I'm still very confused about why he gave up on me. Before my depression I was an absolutely incredible girlfriend.

I'm sure you have noticed diffewrences in your feelings since becoming ill. Please don't act on them.

But if you do, then try not to worry. I guess it was a good test for me and my ex. He couldn't cope with me being ill, I found out his love was conditional. So I broke up with him for good.

Not a minute goes by where I don't hurt from him. Just remember to look after yourself during this time. Be selfish, but take things slowly.

Good luck xx

[Rebel Ian]

It doesn't always work out like taht though. i dod nothing but support my partner and came to this forum so i could understand what was going on but sometimes no matter what you do they just leave and all I am trying to get cross is that if you can help it at all...do not leave...and I am saying taht to the one with depression...I have no sympathies for the other partner leaving. I would never abandon someone because they were ill. My partner and i were together for 10 years and this illness has made him unrecognizable but I would take him back in a heartbeat as I still love him.

I'm sorry for how you feel Karen and what happened but just playing Devil's advocate.....let's turn it on it's head and assume the illness didn't exist but you didn't love him......would you leave then?

[Bewildered]

Ok well just to be clear i didn't leave him he left me because he is ill but if you are asking me if I was in a realtionship without my partner being depressed and that if all of a sudden I didn't love him would i then leave him? Well first of all i would have to look at m feelings and ask myself why I didn't love him anymore and then I would have to sit down and talk to my aprtner and see if we could reconnect and work things out.
In  my situation though my partner left me because he has depression and doersn't think he loves me anymore...even though days before he decided this we were happy...even though we had an amazing relationship...because of his illness he spent months dwelling on all the little problems and didn't turn that stare inwards and realize that I am not the problem the illness is the problem. Now he is on medication and has been gone fro 3 months but lately he had another bad week and had to up his meds and  just want to scream...see??? It wasn't me...you left and you are still not happy...that urge tio leave is really an urge to run away from your life and what they think is making them unhappy but it only causes pain and suffering to your loved ones and in the end doesn't fix the depression anyway.
We are trying to be friends and the oly way I can do that is to pretend that he's someone else...We don't talk about our relationship and I wonder if he thinks that;s ok...It obviously isn't..I mean he broke up with me on his way out the door as he was moving out...he never gave me a chance to fight for us...he emailed me a list of all my faults and his reasons for leaving and when i defended myself hust said well it's just the way it goes. I don't hate him though because he is not himself..he is such a lovely,kind and caring person and the 'old' D would be ashamed of what he has done..but it is like he is a robot..his feelings are numbed because of teh depression and he thinks that he needs a new life to fix himself.
So i don't tell him I cry every night still and i try to be smiley and happy and supportive when we see each other. Part of me is waiting for hi to get better and come back and part of me realizes that sometimes that doesn't happen...but at the moment all I can do is try to breathe and eat and sleep.

[hybridtoy]

Thanks for your reponses guys, I think I need to hold out. I start a new job on the 13th, although its not hugely something I want to be doing it is still a a step forwards (ie actually having a job/a reason to get out of bed in the morning) and im hoping that it will, in the long run, give me the drive to pursue what i really want to do. Anyway, having a job will make me feel some pride in myself and more confident (I'm hoping) and therefore i will feel a connection again between me and my girlfriend. I guess i dont feel anything because i dont feel like there is a reason for her to love me if im depressed and havent been able to work. So maybe now that im starting a job it will make me think that she DOES have a reason to think highly of me.
I noticed her finding little things i do cute yesterday and it made me think that maybe simple things like that are enough for her to like me. I dont know. She's six years older than me, has her own mortgage, has travelled the world and knows what she wants and she is BEAUTIFUL. I moved back in with my parents and didnt have a job for ages... i guess i found it hard to understand what she would love about me so i got paranoid and lost the reciprocating feelings. Paranoia is something i find hard to deal with. But i think thats largely my fault - i dont open up to any of my friends so i feel like no one cares about me, and they assume that im fine and that im happy with my girlfriend. Ive dealt with my brain running around in circles so much that i cant remember what its like to live normally.