dreams and angry thoughts that scare me

[lost rolex]

Been having some work related dream of late, but everyone in them is all so nice the complete reverse of what really happened, they are all very bright and very clean shaven i feel my self getting close to them, i am in a van with them, they are all talking nicely being normal,


Then my last dream was about being on the open road doing my job, it was all to nice and there was an good explanation for everything that i thought was bad, it was like no, none of that happened (but i know it did) i know they where nasty and i lost everything 23 years down the pan, but i wake up for a second or two expecting to go to work, then it all come's crashing down.


i have had some horrible thoughts lately just fleeting, the wife only said a few hurtful things to me yesterday, and i wanted to stab her i imagined it in my head it was quite releasing feeling,just to get rid of her for a moment while i thought,  i just had a cup of tea and drummed my fingers on the kitchen counter, had a cigarette, i know i need something to protect me from me.

i have told her i can not deal with arguments of any mud slinging of any kind, my thick skin has gone and i feel very vulnerable, my answer at the moment is to lash out but i have not.


everything is getting too much for me at the moment, it's like a very small confined roller coaster.


i have a session tomorrow, so i am talking the advice of others and taking all the paperwork from the experts i have seen.


LR  

[lost rolex]

it's like i can not any more take any criticism from any one i am so protective of me, my Barrister pissed me off the other day, i tried to explain something but he said that's just detail, f***ing detail to you mate but a big deal to me. the other side have got rid of evidence, and his answer was, they can dispose of tools if they want to,

it's not just that it's everything it's like i am the victim and i am on trail.


i feel like everyone in this system is against me, There's an old boy network at play here it's not just adding up.


i am being pushed to my limit yet i don't know what my limit is yet.


i am feeling closed in and i don't want to go out anywhere, my family asked me nicely to go out Sunday, i did but i had to be seen to enjoy it, i had no feelings what so ever about the day but did the best i could to be interested.


the family just don't get it.......


i have no interest in anything at all, i just exist,


i do say the right things to them encourage motivate but inside i am empty, i no one things for sure i will try not to infest them with my sad life, and feelings  but even that's getting harder to do, 


LR


LR   

[Ezel]

I remember someone telling me that what we dream about is usually because of what we're thinking about and in reality that situation wont happen.

I'm not going through what you are and the only dreams that affect me are ones of my mum.  We didn't have a good relationship when she was alive but since she died last April when I have dreamt about my mum since then we get on.  These dreaams just make me feel sad.

[lost rolex]

thanks i just made tea coffee in one cup, went into the wrong room with my son's morning milk looking for him,


these dreams are so nice just the way they where supposed to be.



LR

[lost rolex]

took my note from the professor to my councilor who read them and he is going to try to find me some more sessions, he just made a few excuses about cut backs and the waiting list is a year.



but he's really nice, i think he looses it a bit with me, don't think he can deal me sometimes, i think he wants to shale me.



LR

[chilliconcarnage]

I have intrusive thoughts that are often violent and sinister. They make me scared of myself and I fear that I could act these thoughts out. But and this is the part you need to hold onto and keep in mind. I am AWARE of how horrible they are and that I would never be able to carry them out, no matter how much people p*ss me off. Its when your not aware of how horrible the thoughst are or think they are normal and rational, thats when you need to worry I think. Dont worry LR, talk to professionals about how you feel, i think youll find they have hearx it all before. Whats scarey and alien/evil to us is probably a bi product of our depression/anxiety. Dont get me wrong, when you feel bad and have thoughts you just want to exit the earth (well I do anyway), but grab onto the good things and keep them close.

There is a light that never goes out (Sanity), a Morrisey lyric :)

[coralqueen]

i have bad dreams and also these thoughts come to me awake also.. always about people dying,{my son drowning or getting stabbed} {my daughter and grandkids dying in road accidents} my brother dying as he has ill health, had this about my sister, and she passed away 3 months ago... i find myself looking at the phone waiting for me to get told about one of them dying, which it did with my sister... i go to bed trying to think happy thoughts but then it changes, bad.. never about myself...hate these dreams and thoughts.. many nights cant get back to sleep.

[Zaf]

I think our worst fears may surface when we are depressed whether they have foundation or not    xx

[chilliconcarnage]

I think our worst fears may surface when we are depressed whether they have foundation or not    xx

Hi Zaf,

And thats the thing though. People who don't suffer from mental health problems or depression just think that depression is 'feeling a bit sad or low'. But there are soooo  many other horrible add ons to it that are just vile. 8 months ago if someone would have told me I would feel like I do now, I would have told them that THEY were mad. Life is funny isnt it....

[Zaf]

I firmly believe that unless someone has actually suffered from depression they have no idea what its like or all the unpleasant ways it can affect us

[chilliconcarnage]

I firmly believe that unless someone has actually suffered from depression they have no idea what its like or all the unpleasant ways it can affect us

Indeed.

[lost rolex]

Hi all thanks the reply's,

my councilor told me to watch some mean less TV to help me pass time i just stare at the wall all day and i don;t know i am doing it, so i was flicking through the channels when i found a episode of the Walton's  

anyway it was the last 10 mins so i gave it a go,

well the show answered 1 of my questions, about me.


there was a fire at there home and Par Walton said "i don;t know why don't feel right john boy about building our new home", he goes onto say "then it struck me i was trying to rebuild it exactly they way it was before nail by nail, timber by timber, he said "i can not do that it has to be different i can not build it exactly the same it's who's inside it that matters.


and that's me in a nutshell, i am not bi-ionic, i am not going to reclaim what i was, i am not going to run a Marathon i am never going be as i was, strong, fast, nimble, everything to everyone, but i can rebuild on being a good father, loving husband, a shelter for sad times, some one to turn to a little  i just have to re-organize my life,


i have shown glimmering's of the old me, like when i found the suicide attempt outside church, and i stopped and helped, to sitting and watching TV with my son and being positive, so little by little eh.


so i need to stop being

stubborn, that's number one,



LR      

[Zaf]

Watching mindless TV is sometimes very theraputic, especially when we cant cope with anything complicated

That sounds a very positive decision, its strange how something will just click like that - I read a poem about life being like a bubble - fragile and brief in comparison with the universe and it made  huge impression on me at the time, I try to remember that when I feel down and make an effort to make the most of each day if I feel like complete s**t

Z xx

[lost rolex]

Watching mindless TV is sometimes very theraputic, especially when we cant cope with anything complicated

That sounds a very positive decision, its strange how something will just click like that - I read a poem about life being like a bubble - fragile and brief in comparison with the universe and it made  huge impression on me at the time, I try to remember that when I feel down and make an effort to make the most of each day if I feel like complete s**t

Z xx

thanks Zaf it was really hard to make that decision when you have been sad for so long it becomes a friend, funny how we adapt to situations, well for me little changes are abound, it will be a struggle, and i can not measure it in days, one bad day may be not so bad the day after,



i have to reclaim what i can and salvage parts of me that have gone astray, and a stepping stone could and will be this forum a place to hide and share, a place for thinking out load, never judged just supported


thanks all for a brill forum.

LR 

[chilliconcarnage]

"you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness" - Gotye.
When your down its hard to feel you need to change, so you just carry on being down, in a way its easier, you know its just all crap so you wallow in it. Its when you change and try to crawl out that you start to be different as a person. And tend to reflect more, well I do anyway. Things will get better from now on LR, just have faith in yourself, youll still probably have bad days now and then, thats natural. But the good days are good. I have realised that I have to learn to like myself more, as i have low self worth and im negative about ME. Im being positive and trying to change it. Like you said slowly, slowly.

Take it easy.