Losing my grip.

[SadBadger]

Where to begin?

There's chaos in my head.  I don't seem to be able to think clearly or concentrate like I used to.  Thoughts of my own death, suicide and the ageing and ultimate loss of those around me plague me all the time.  I've been on antidepressants for years but never with much success.  I only take them now out of habit and because I feel terrible if I stop taking them.  I've had really bad anxiety problems for 24 years, been through umpteen sorts of therapy and nothing has helped.

Things just seem to have been getting progressively worse in recent months and now I feel lost, hopeless, distant and numb.  Too numb to even cry any more.  I was prescribed sleeping pills in '96 because my anxiety was stopping me from sleeping.  I discovered that taking them during the day helped to calm the anxiety symptoms so I could at least do "normal" things like go to the dentist, sit in a meeting.  I've been taking them ever since which I know is wrong but what else can I do?

Now I also worry that prolonged use of antidepressants and sleeping pills is damaging my body and I'm slowly but surely losing my grip.  I can't think like I used to, even small everyday tasks feel like mountains to climb and nothing excites or interests me.  Depression would be enough to cope with.  Add anxiety on to that and I can't even sit in a room and talk to someone without sedating myself.  I feel like I'm being driven further and further in to isolation and it's harder and harder to keep coming out of it to go to work and do every day things.  I don't know if I would take my own life.  Death terrifies me.  What if it's a cry for attention?  A cry for attention - why is that viewed in such a negative light?  What's wrong with wanting attention?  Wanting someone to wrap their arms around you and tell you it'll be OK or to acknowledge that you exist and say that they love you.  If that's a cry for attention why is it considered weak and wrong?

I don't even know what "type" of depression I have.  Doctors don't care, they just say you're "depressed" and that's it.  I don't even know why I'm writing this as it feels pointless.  I think I just needed to get these words out of my head.  Maybe someone feels the same.  I really don't know.

[Cazkitten]

What if it's a cry for attention?  A cry for attention - why is that viewed in such a negative light?  What's wrong with wanting attention?  Wanting someone to wrap their arms around you and tell you it'll be OK or to acknowledge that you exist and say that they love you.  If that's a cry for attention why is it considered weak and wrong?

I know what you mean. I feel this too. Everyone needs other people - it's not needy and pathetic, it's normal. I think we all get messages as children along the lines of 'chin up', or 'go to your room until you calm down' - people are very scared of feelings or needs in other people. I think they feel it is going to be a drain. When all you (generic you, not specifically you) need is to feel heard. It's as simple as 'you'll be OK' or 'I understand'.

Please talk to a health professional as you feel worse. You could need different antidepressants, or it sounds like therapy or counsellling might help? Sorry if that's out of line or obvious.

I just wanted to reply so you know someone read this.

[SadBadger]

Thanks for the reply.  Comforting to know that there's one other person who knows what I'm trying to say.  It's hard to express and I'm usually pretty good with words.  I've had various forms of therapy before now and some have been useful at the time just as an outlet for the feelings inside but in the long term none have been any good.

I'm going to try and see my GP tonight if I can.  I just hate going there from an anxiety point of view and because I feel like I'm being judged rather than diagnosed.  It feels like a gamble as I don't want to come out feeling worse than when I went in - it's sometimes happened in the past.  I don't think I could take feeling any worse at the moment.  I have to get through another working day first though and I feel terrible already.

Thanks again.

[Ezel]

Sorry I haven't responded before now and you are absolutely normal.  Unless someone suffers with a form of depression it's hard to imagine how difficult it can be to function for those who do.