I don't understand

[Jess]

Hi everyone, it's me again

Since this new year and I mean the 1st of January to now my relationship with my mother has basically become non-existant but I have no idea why. It started off with her ignoring me when I tried speaking to her regardless of the topic, yet she holds open conversations with my four other siblings and her partner. She then told me that she would not be paying for my bus fare to get to college but she is paying over £1000 for my younger sister to go to New York; I have tried to explain the importance of my college attendence but she doesn't take notice. She has also stopped buying food suitable for my diabetes for my lunch along with refusing to cook my dinner yet she will make meals for my other siblings.
This Tuesday I sat my first A-S level exam, I was hoping for some words of encourgement or for her to ask me how I feel it went but alas she hasn't mentioned it at all which is rather distressing as I have been extremally stressed, losing sleep and my apetite over this exam. I start work today (Thursday) and she hasn't spoken about it. I am the first of all of her children to gain any form of career but this has not been acknowledged.

I apologise if this seems more like a rant but I cannot find reason for her behaviour.

Last November my mother took my phone off me, stating that it would be returned to me this January however when I mentioned to her the possibility of having m phone back she told me that I would now have to wait to February as this was the date she claimed to orignally stated. This aroused confusion with both my siblings and my father whom all understood that January was the original date.

Last week I had to go to hospital to have some blood tests run, instead of asking how it was my mother proceeded to mock me and remind me of my ill health.
She is now avoiding any contact with me including having to be in the same room as I.

I wouldn't mind this behaviour had I upset her but I have done nothing at all.I have tried to ask her why she is isolating me but I always end up in tears as there is so much more on my mind that I am struggling to explain.

I am struggling with simple daily tasks such as taking my medication as I have mentioned in prior posts; I have come to the realisiation that I will have no choice but to explain to my doctor at my next appointment why my blood glucose levels are dangerously high but I will have to do this on my own as my mother has stopped attending my hospital appointments with me.

I don't know what to do anymore, I am so tired of being ignored especially in such a hard time in my life.

Any words of advice would be much obligied.

Many thanks for reading and I hope you are all doing well.

Much love, Jess xx

[carrie_m]

Hey jess,

I don't know if my reply will be of any help, but it just seems you want a friendly voice. (or words! lol) You're mother is being extremely unfair and as you said there is no reason for her behavior. Remain calm through all this please, when Feb comes ask her again for you're mobile phone and see what her reaction is. Have you spoken to you're father? Not buying food suitable for you're diabetes will hurt you're health and you're father needs to know this if he doesn't already. Maybe he can talk to you're mother rather than you doing so and getting understandably upset.

My main concern from you're post is that you are struggling with taking you're medication for you're diabetes, please do not let your mums behavior effect you're health. I know it is easier said than done but please take care of yourself. I wonder are you taking any medication for your depression? If so how do you think they are working for you? Is there not a friend or one of your siblings who can attend your hospital appointments with you?

I hope I helped even in a small way,
Take care

C x  &*(

[Zaf]

I agree totally, it seems very unreasonable of your mum and although you must feel grim I think you do need to tell your dad and the hospital if at all possible

xx

[Glen53]

I would say as politely as possible, that there are two possibilities that I can see:

Your mum simply doesnt understand what you are going through and thinks that making you aware of her displeasure of your moods will solve everything.

I dont mean to cause offense by my second suggestion and I was in two minds as to whether to type it tbh, but my mother does this to me. I will explain a bit.

She suffers from depression too and seems to enjoy using me as an excuse to gain attention from others. She loves the 'poor you, you must be worried sick about him' attention she gets. Now ive moved out, we get on much better because we are not 'competing'. She gets her attention from others and im not there to steal any from her. When I lived there, my father would always be worried and I would get all the attention from worried parties when they came to visit. She would do silly things like start arguements with me over very little. She would try to drive Rachel (then GF now wife) away by being cruel to her in what she said. This would put her back in the poor mother corner because she could get sympathy by telling everyone how much stress she was under. She would never let others see the nasty side, just me attacking her for what she was doing.

I must stress Im not suggesting this IS whats happening with you. I dont know enough and if it is the case, theres little you can do about it. Just keep it in mind as a possibility for this strange behaviour. I realise too that it may seem like I have a nasty opinion of my mother. I dont. I love her very much but several people, even my wife and friends, had noticed these things as well as me. Indeed it took years of my wife and friends pointing things out before I realised that she was even doing these things.

Either way, try to be nice to her no matter what. If she blanks you when you speak to her then meet it with a polite exit to the conversation. Dont start any arguements with her, and walk away politely from any she may start with you. Be the bigger adult in all situations. If you do feel upset DONT show her this. Take it somewhere private and dont let her see you cry. Let HER ask you how you are feeling first and when she does, tell her that you are struggling a bit and why. This would be best done when another family member is present. Rely on your other family members for support for now as it seems clear, for whatever reason, your mum is not interested. The reasons will surface in time Im sure, but in the meantime you need to try to ignore this as it will only worsen your own situation.

I hope this may help and doesnt cause any offense Jess.  

[Lol]

Jess you have said that you have doen nothing wrong. But does your mum think you have? It looks like she is doing some sort of 'see how you like it' childishness, or that she feels underappreciated and is trying to make you realise that you need her really? Have you had a row at any point? have you ever told her you don't need her in a fit of rage?

It is a silly way for her to behave.

[CharleysAngel']

Hi Jess,

I can understand what you are going through, me and my mum have a very distant relationship. There are things she won't do for me that she will do for my younger brother and sister. She constantly critisizes me about my appearance and this plays a big part in why I am ill.

She refuses to take care of my health and I know she would be disgusted if she thought I have depression or any kind of mental illness.
I am afraid I can't offer much advice, only sympathy, because it is so hard when you parents are unsupportive xx

[Glen53]

Thats very sad to hear. I wonder if your mum finds it hard to gel with you because she sees you feeling low in mood but does not understand you have clinical depression? Have you ever tried to tell her?

Whatever her reason, it seems very cruel to make you feel this way. I do think its worth telling her how you feel on this issue if you can Icelolly. Theres a good chance that she would not be so hard on you if she knew just how much this affects you. It need not be heavy with finger pointing and shouting, just an explaination to her as to why you may appear lower in mood and not up to her 'standards' in appearance sometimes.

[CharleysAngel']

I have tried to tell her a couple of times. Today was one of them. We were sitting in the living room and she was going some paperwork. She mentioned her friend from work, who we both know is on medication for depression because she told us. Now my mum was talking about something that had happened and she goes ' now we all know she is mental' so I said ' what makes her mental then?' And she said ' she's on drugs for it, so I say keep her away from me and just get over it' I told her that just because someone has depression doesn't mean that they are 'mental' and they can't just get over it, and that its not like just having a bad day. She told me that I shouldn't feel sorry for them because depression is just an excuse for their laziness. So I decided to leave the convosation there because there is no point trying to reason with her. This is why I have never told her I have depression.

Another thing, she really doesn't like our GP, she did like her. I remeber the first time I was going to see hwler about three years ago and I really didn't want to, and my mum was going ' oh don't worry she is so lovely and she's really good' ever since I have been seeing her 'alone' my mum says she is a bad influence and she wants to switch GP's. I told her that if she did that I would never speak to her again. My GP is brilliant, she is really nice and helps me so much and my mum doesn't like that at all.

[Glen53]

Oh dear, what a 'dated' attitude towards a terrible illness.

I would agree in this case its best not to talk to her unless you really have to then. I fear anything she may have to say to you would be more damaging to you than its worth.

Talk to us instead, we will be here to support you.  :)

[CharleysAngel']

Thanks Glen :)

And that's exactly what I thought, for the amount of upset and problems its going to cause telling her its probably better to deal with this without her support. I still have everyone here, my doctor and my head of year to support me x

[Munchroom]

That is a horrible attitude to have - and for you to have to deal with.

We'll all support you as best we can xxx

[CharleysAngel']

Thanks Munchroom xx

Sometimes in the past I have been round friend's houses and something has happened with someone else and my friend would get upset and their mum would come up and ask them if they are ok and make a fuss of them. Whenever that happened I used to get this weired feeling and never knew what it was. Well now I know, it was jealousy. My mum never treats me like that, if I cry over something I get told to get over it. Then I feel bad because at the end of the day she is still my mum and has brought me up and she can be nice to me sometimes. But she has never supported me mentally if that makes sense and I think that is what I have really needed.

[Sweetpea]

 &*( ((())) hugs for you icelolly.

Everyone here are always here to listen.

S x

[Lol]

Jess how's this going?

[CharleysAngel']

Thanks everyone x

And yes please tell us how you are doing Jess, there's me going on about myself and its not even my topic. I do apologise xx