i think i might be ill ???

[ronnoc]

i had a really bad day yesterday and it got me thinking that i might be a bit ill. i have recently broke up from a sort of long term relationship not the first time its happend before and i done a few pretty stupid things before but not now. its hard to explain but its not because of the break up i feel like this, its just sort of the tip of the iceberg if you get me. ill write a few things about me now, its easy on a forum, i dont know if i could see adoctor.
i have took drugs on a regular basis from i was around 15, i smoked from younger, cannibas, i took ecstacy on a regular basis and up to a few months back ive took coke/speed on regular basis. do yous think this has anything to do with mental illness.
im 21 now, i work &$%+ job &$%+ money but it gets me by, i have a few close friends, i have a good family. but im still not happy. me and my girl friend have been fell out about 1 month i found out yesterday that she is now with some1 else and it killed me. but when i am with her i dnt want to be. i do not want to be here not 100% because this just my life in general. i have tried to od before and have cut myself efore, but i dont know if i could actually go throught with it, i dont have the guts. sometimes my moods just change from happy to nasty and abusive or to sad. my ex thinks i have a split personality. i can never be annoyed to do anything, my friend make jokes about it and when i do go out, aa lot of things annoy me about people and i wish i would have stayed in the house. other times i have a great night and go home happy. i dont like talking to people i sometimes actually go out of my way to avoid people that i know so i dont have to talk to them. i have no confidemce, but every body thinks im a great laugh, i put it on sometimes to make people laugh. but inside i am kicking myself for not being a different sort of person. i want to be the person who everybody goes to for a laugh and a good time. i hate meeting new people because when they get to know me, theres nothing lovable, just like any other person, an empty shell. the human mind is a terrible thing, i think aboput everything what if and why did i do/say this.

sorry for the rant on and on i just needed to get a few things off my chest. i dont know if i could face going to a doctor and in my mind the ad make you worse do they not, how can i let anybody know that im going and why, i dnt want any1 to know i would just love to feel happy all the time and not ever get down.

[Zaf]

I think its fairly well documented that cannabis can cause mental illness including depression and the symptoms do sound as though you might be suffering from it.

I would suggest you go to your GP and tell him honestly how you feel and he will at least be able to give you a proper diagnosis xx

[ronnoc]

i wouldnt feel right going to the doctor. i want to talk to some1 but dont want them to judge me.
i need a good talk and a good cry tbh, no1 noes im feeling like this, i have sort of told me ex but not every thing. i could talk to a family member but i dont want to let them down because they think im fine and i dont want any 1 talking about my business. i want to talk but i dont want to. ill give it a few days and see howi feel. this is not the first time but i can keep it in and see if things get better i have done before untill something happens im back in the dumps

[Zaf]

you can talk as much as you want in here, no one will judge and will probably offer advice if they can.

If you are depressed its really important to go to a doctor and they cant tell anyone about your appointment by law.

[Lol]

Ho ronnoc, you have described a lot of symptoms of depression actually, and although it's good to talk, you are talking about somthing that can be treated! Do both! I would advise going to your doc, he/she will recognise what you are saying, they hear it many times a day! You are not alone, we will help you wehere we can

Tak Care
Lol

[ronnoc]

was out all was well till i got in. any one have any ideas to cheerin up. its bad now, i dont want to be here. sick of everything, cant hack it.
any more. how do yous get over every thing when yous are having a bad day. cant look past this.
ive been a bit like this before not as bad tho, when i thimk back i thought the exact same thing at the time.
i cant face getting back to my normal life on my own.

[cornish]

hey and welcome,

im really sorry but ive spent the last 40 minuets looking at your post trying to think of a way to help.

[Zaf]

Somehow you need to pluck up the courage to see a doctor, I know its not easy but its the first step to feeling better

[ShadowOfOnesSelf]

i wouldnt feel right going to the doctor. i want to talk to some1 but dont want them to judge me.
i need a good talk and a good cry tbh, no1 noes im feeling like this, i have sort of told me ex but not every thing. i could talk to a family member but i dont want to let them down because they think im fine and i dont want any 1 talking about my business. i want to talk but i dont want to. ill give it a few days and see howi feel. this is not the first time but i can keep it in and see if things get better i have done before untill something happens im back in the dumps

Hi Ronno.
I can relate to the part where you say you could speak to a family member but you don't want them to think that you're anything else but fine.
I have my parents and siblings and because I'm such a private person and I don't really trust anyone I wont tell any of them in case it becomes a talking point for them when they meet up. They all think I'm a happy go lucky person but like I stated before that is just a mask.
They can also be very opinionated and give negative feedback and they also have their own issues with dealing with the death of my Brother so I feel I can't burden them with my problems.
I have friends but they're all drinkers and it's hard to socialize with them without drink being involved and because of the depression I avoid it at all costs.
Hope you see this through and feel free to message me anytime.
atb

[Zaf]

everyone here will help as much as they can and you can talk to us without fear of being judged xx

[FootieFan87]

I understand your reluctance to see a professional but if it's possible for you to do it I would. I also can't seem to face talking it out. I'm currently taking st johns wart supplements to try and boost my mood a little. Maybe you could give this a try? But know when it's the right time to make that appointment. Remember that depression affects your thinking

[Zaf]

I have tried many of the herbal products over the years that are supposed to help mood but none worked for me and I've had to accept using conventional medicine, please consider going to the doc if sjw doesnt work


Dont forget natural medicines can cause unpleasant side effects every bit as much as prescription medicines so read up on those or you may make yourself ill

[ronnoc]

thanks for the replies, it means a lot. even tho i dont know yous i know that some people are in the same boat.
thanks for trying to comfort me. i have been well/sort of happy for a while. me and the ex is talking and it happens her bf is from another country. i think it was a plan to annoy me. i had a good night with my friends but it seems the joke is on me, its just stupid banter.
i was really upset tonight i dont know why i was going to talk about it to my mum but didnt, i couldnt keep my tears in walking past but i just went to bed. i dont want anyone feeling sorry for me, i dont want anyone to think im atention seeking.
a lot of suicides has been going on in my area but when i stop and think of my family and what it would do to them my family and close friends.
i have thought it before, one of my close friends tried it on sunday night and i thought about the chaos it would cause. its unbearable to think the knock on effect it has. dont worry i have thought about it plenty but i dont have the guts to go through with it.
i feel for people that have these thoughts my heart goes out to you because i know what it feels like. i wish there was someone to help me along but all i have to say is keep strong things SHOULD get better, keep strong dont let the thoughts take over, thanks for all the replies it really means alot, especialy cornish  you dont know how much that means to me that someone has actually sat down and thought my sutitation. thanks this forum is a good help. talk soon x

[lbruk]

its really hard to try and help, the only thing i can offer is that what you have is a treatable illness, the problem with going to a doctor is you really do not know how they will respond. you might get a good one, you might not. But really the only person that can help you out of this is you taking the time out to try and get treated.
The fact you thought the joke was one you says you might be suffering from paranoia or anxiety, which again is symptoms for depression. Honestly, go to your GP and talk about how you feel, see what they say, if you don't feel comfortable talking about the drugs then don't, just say how you feel, right now, and what you have been feeling. If the GP is good they will ask leading questions to try and work out what has happened to you to get you this way. But you don't have to answer every question that you are not ready to admit too, but just say that. Its only a 10 minute appointment, but it could be the start of you getting better

[Jae]

Hi ronnoc, have just been reading through this thread and really nothing more useful to add than what has been said already, but just wanted to wish you well.

just thinking, have you tried contacting someone like Narcotics Anonymous re. your drug taking?  I'm not sure if you are still taking them or not, but whether you are or not, they will still welcome you to one of their meetings (if they have any locally to you .. and I am sure you would be welcomed at an AA meeting if there are no NA ones specifically available, because at the end of the day, they are pretty much the same thing) .. or you can chat with someone from there on the phone.  I've been involved with AA/NA/Alanon in the past and one thing that anyone involved with their organisation is to ever judge anyone .. it might not be the right thing for you, but I thought I would rather mention it than not, just in case it is something that can help you .. and where you can share with people in person, and in complete confidence.

Couple of links here:

http://www.ukna.org/
http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

p.s. you don't have to be an addict to get in touch with them (mainly because the jury is out as to what addiction actually means) .. it is for anyone who feels their drug taking or drinking is having an adverse effect on them .. which, when you talked about your ex saying you seem to have a 'split personality' made me think of a previous partner of mine, who had similar problems with extreme mood swings, and who also smoked dope quite excessively.