Hello James :) The numbness you speak of is a very common and it's absolutely awful isn't it.
It doesn't sound nasty at all that you are considering that you might not have grieved for your father fully because of your numbness. I imagine it is entirely possible! I think the numbness happens out of protection because of a sense of overload and it is out of your control. I'm very sorry to hear that your dad committed suicide becuase of his depression. That was, and still is very difficult for you to come to terms with. I think the numbness raises the bar on emotions in general, and only the most powerful ones get over. When I say powerful, love is powerful, perhaps I should say troublesome, they're the suckers that pop out the top.
Exploding with rage is something I am familiar with although I internalise mine and still appear rational on the outside. This is extremely self distructive for me. I have been doing it since I was 4 because of something, but I know what it feels like to explode with rage. I believe that when one explodes with rage it is like a pressure cooker suddenly releasing. hurting the people around you is not intentional, it's more that they were in the way of the fallout. Anger and rage for me comes from absolute frustration at not being able to express myself about something and it is a slow constant drip feed of things I find frustrating, plus that last drip = erruption.
Sometimes it's easier to get the nitty gritty out to total strangers than a counsellor. You can let it out here. We will try to help as much as we can, or just listen if that's what you need.
