Back to square one....

[gemmylou]

I watch this community a lot, but don't post, this is my first. But I am so over come with this terrible feeling today i had to. I have been suffering with depression for the past 2 years, I can be fine.. for weeks. The something triggers it and i come spiralling downwards, crashing into a massive lull. Then it starts, I don't leave my room, I call in sick for work, I hide myself away, and literally just eat, which is one of the reasons for my depression, the fact I am quite over weight. This goes on for... weeks.. ive lost jobs over it, because nothing motivates me to leave the bubble where I am safe.

Last night was the trigger. We went out for a friends birthday, and everything was fine, until people I can only describe as terrible people found it relevant to tell me that I was fat. For anyone on here who has never been significantly over weight, you would be so shocked by what people find acceptable to say to you simply because you are not thin. Literally, I was outside having a cigarette, and suddenly it turned into these 3 boys.. just literally verbally abusing me. I was so upset by the whole situation I went home.

I am trying to lose weight, in fact I've lost 2 stone in the past 6 weeks, im now a size 18 ( before a 22) and I was actually happy with myself, feeling good. But... sometimes it just takes one ass hole to bring you down. and now i can feel it happening again, I can feel myself shutting myself away again.

Sometimes i will spend days in bed, moving only to get food or water or to use the toilet. I lose interest in my entire life. I don't go to university, I just... lay in my room crying. That's what I've done today.

I guess I just needed somewhere to tell people how I feel right now.

Also, not that I think any of you lovely people would, but if there is anyone on here, that has ever said something nasty to someone overweight, or maybe someone with bad acne, or anything... please just think, because I know for a second it makes you feel better about yourself or supperior, or whatever, but you really don't know how it can affect someone. You won't give it a second thought, you'll never think about that person or that comment again, but believe me, that person will think of it for days, weeks... even years.

Thanks for listening

[Alstare1974]

gemmylou

I'm really sorry that you had that experience, that's awful and you deserve to be treated better

[Lol]

GemmyLou I'm so sorry you have had these experiences and feel this way. People can be absolutely dispicable sometimes. you feel overcome and overwhelmed by your feelings at the moment and this is a very difficult way for you to feel. What happened last night was absolutley wrong. You were a victim of vile behaviour and you should not have been. I have myself witnessed that exact phenomenon you are talking about - I saw a lady being totally humiliated about her weight by what must have been about 10 men on a stag doo. they didn't care at all what they were saying. She, like you, was having a fag on her own and I told them to stop. I was rammed into the corner of the shelter, had a cigarette stubbed out on my foot and the girl ran off!  

I'm glad you have decided to post rather than just watch, I hope you have seen that we are a supportive bunch and if you need to talk we will do what we can to help you.

Take Care. Lol

[Zaf]

Depresion is horrible, are you receiving any treatment?  It seems to me some sort of counselling might be useful to you, I found it very helpful xx

[gemmylou]

I am not currently taking any medication... to be honest i havn't disclosed the extent of my depression properly. I have contemplated ending my life several times, and been extremely close, I have had counselling before, because a lot of my depression stems from my family life. I had a boyfriend, who i had been with for 3 and a half years, he left me in July, he didn't really give an explanation, I just got a text one day telling me he couldn't do it any more, I havn't seen him since, ( we live far apart, and had completely different circles of friends, meaning we have no reason to bump into eachother). I assume i finally pushed him away with my depressive behaviour, I was terrible to him, took all my frustrations out on him. and no matter how unhappy I used to get, he was always my rock, the thing that stopped me. Now I feel extremely alone. and the other night, was just... the icing on the cake if you will to my feeling &$%+.

[Alstare1974]

Maybe a trip back to tge doctor to talk about what options are available to you and is appropriate for you right now.

I've been suicidal in past too. If there's anything I can do to help or you want to chat over just say.

[gemmylou]

This is going to sound... a bit.. weird maybe, but I have been prescribed medication in the past, and... i hate it... not even the side effects its the way i feel, i just feel numb, when i stopped taking the pills, even though I knew it wasn't right, that I shouldn't just stop taking them, it felt good to feel again, even if all i felt was an intense feeling of guilt and upset with myself.. I don't know if this is how others have felt on them, but I know that medication isn't the answer for me.

[Got]

Those lads who said those things are pricks, and if I was there they'ed have had one very fleeting chance to appologise before I floored them.  

If you was not happy with your weight, then I hope you do feel proud for loosing some.

I am sorry to hear your boyfriend left you like that. Sounds like he couldn't handle commitment. This isn't your fault though, even if you do lash out at him...if you are feeling depressed, these behaviours are reflective of the way you feel, but not of your personality.

Like Alstare, I have also been suicidal. I would lke to say, it no matte how bad you may be feeling, not matter how tough it gets, it is only tempoary, even if it feelis like it can never get better. the truth is, it does get better, with time. It could be a good idea to see the doctor again.

Being lonely is awful. I too, feel this way.....so you are not alone with your loneliness.

Love Steve XX

[Zaf]

I too have been suicidal in the past and would also say go back to see a doctor and explain exactly how you feel about taking meds and how bad you feel, it may have been that in the past the meds didnt suit you and a different type would help without unpleasant side effects xx

[Lol]

GemmyLou you are feeling really low and lonely. Your boyfriend behaved very badly and has contributed to your feelings. You must be so angry. I understand from what you have said that you don't like the feeling the medication brings. I think this is a valid apprehension, but please think of the medication as a necessary but temporary inconvenience whilst it makes you better. Like having a big clumsy, itchy, heavy plaster cast on a broken leg, you have to grin and bare it because it is needed to heal the leg. So this is true of antidepressants, yes, they can have side-effects and make you feel unlike yourself, but they are necessary to stop you feeling how you do now. Just remember that its going to happen and try to stay true to yourself. The self you know you are. If you could possibly contemplate them again, think now, whilst you are not numb, how your feelings compared to when you were on them. Write a list of the major differences you remember in self statement form eg "When I can't feel happy in my (favourite environment...) I know and trust that I love it because....." "If I can't feel affectionate about (person you love....) I know and trust that I love them because....." and make a pact with yourself that you know you will feel different, it's all part of getting better, but you can trust who the 'better' you is and stay true to yourself.

Don't discount medication altogether, have another think, now that you're forewarned you can approach it differently and feel more in control, if you want to give it another go.  :)