Big desicion...

[woozywoo]

I have been wanting to post in here for a while now. But havent been able to.

We have managed to have a talk of sorts and when i said 'we havent been happy for a while', my partner said 'at least 6ish years'. I dont know why either of us has let it continue this long, but i know we both have confidence issues and i guess we have been afraid of being alone and worried that if we split up we might find out that what we had wasnt so bad after all. I guess i ahve managed to convince myself i dont need to go on holiday with him, can do that with friends, i dont need himto come to concerts and sports matches with me, i have friends, it doesnt matter if he doesnt visit my family again i can go alone. But the truth is i want to share all this with someone. I have 2 lives at the moment, one here with my partner and another in my home town with family 120 miles away. I hate it. I want one live and i want to share everything with my partner. And despite all this the biggest thing is i know he will NEVER be excited about having children, thats if he ever did agree (which knowing him, he never will). The person i have children with, i want them to love me and clearly be excited at the prospect of our baby coming into the world. I am not going to have that where i am at the moment.

I know that we have to split up. I have been extremely indecisive in the past but i know that it just will not work anymore and surely 6 or mre years of unhappiness is not goodl. We havent been totally unhappy, but we are not a proper couple anymore. I also told him that i gave up caring about trying to make things work a couple of months ago. I think that hurt him, but i need to start being open and telling the truth.

There is a little more to this story than i can write on here at the moment.

[woozywoo]

I am feeling bad about hurting my partner. We are not suited and i do not love him anymore but i feel sick at the thought of him being hurt by me. But i need to get out of this relationship. I have never done this before

But i am feeling like there is hope for the future.

All that said, now the next part.

I have made the decision about what i want to do. But how do i cope and mange the situation. I have never been in this situation. We live together and can you believe the thought of moving panics me. I sometimes feel a little panic when i am planning for a weekend away. But this, moving my whole life. I always thought i couldnt change jobs. But i did that successfully a year ago and absolutely love my new job.

But the changes i am considering mean, moving house, going to a new area, leaving partner, finding new place and new job. How do i manage all that when i can get motivated to put a load of washing on!!??

This is the closest i have ever come to leaving. Have thought about it before but not carried it through. This time i ahve to do it, for my own health and happiness. But im not sure i can cope with it.

I need to talk to someone. Someone who knows me, but i cant bring myself to seek help, why?? Is it because i feel a failure. Am i worried about their reaction to my new life i want to build?? I want to say tough, i am going to do what makes me happy, but i cant bring myself to just not give a damn.

[woozywoo]

All this running through my head is making me feel panicky. My heart races, cant settle, headache. I couldnt sleep last night and felt like this at 3am. uckily i could call on someone to help me and they talked me through it. But i cant cope. I have a feeling of a total breakdown.

[woozywoo]

Do i go back to the doctor and explain what is happening at the moment. Not sure what they can do though. Already on medication. Really need someone to talk all this through with. I was already feeling low and signs of being depressed again before Christmas and now with all this, its going to pull me down more.

I guess before because i have had all this in my head, panicked and then thought well i will stay for a bit longer. But if oi actually talk it through with someone maybe they can help to keep me strong and make  plan of steps for the next few months!!??

[Got]

Hi.

If you could get counciling, that would be good, because these are the kind of things you can talk about. You would get an objective point of view.

When you say you don't love him, do you mean you are not 'in love' with him. Also, do you think you could always stay in love? I think its impossible, but you can replace being inlove, for a deeper, more respectful and less possesive love...and that is true love.

However, if you are both unhappy, maybe this is now time to move on. Whatever decision you make, I wish you all the best.

Take time with this decision though, if you feel that you have to.

Steve X

[Zaf]

I agree with Steve completely,  whatever you do I wish you well xx

[Lol]

Woozy Woo there are 2 hard parts to this. 1 is making the decision in the 1st place which you've done so you're half way through! The 2nd is to actually go through with it.

There is a lot to do in a house move and dividing things up is a further complicating factor. When it's all in front of you it seems like a mountain. But a good place to start is to take a pen and paper and write down each thing that will need to be done, don't try and get them in the right order, you can do that later, just start writing a list, always keep a pen and paper in your pocket for the next couple of weeks because more and more things will pop in your head to add to the list which you don't want to forget. Once you think you have a completed list, re order it. You can then start to work towards each stage 1 at a time so that every one become little humps rather than a big mountain all together.

speaking from experience it is absolutely of the highest importance that you are as clear and honest with your partner about what is happening, why and what is going to happen.
If you don't love him any more and don't want to be with him any more and are moving out and moving on then SAY IT. DO NOT say it's not you it's me, I need to find myself, I don't know why but I feel I've got to go, I don't think this will work etc...... If you KNOW what you're doing then leave him in no doubt. Say: I don't love you any more, I don't want to be with you any more, I am going to move out and start a new life. I know this is what I must do. I can not stay any longer. Thank you for what we had, but we don't have it any more, I feel we can/can not be friends.... I intend to keep/not keep in contact..... etc.

DO NOT leave the guy wondering if this is some crisis you're going through and will one day return when you have realised you can't live without him. If you truly don't want to hurt him, then you will have to say thinngs kind of bluntly so that it goes in and he can heal healthily from the break.

Sorry for the pep but this is a subject close to my heart.!!

Most of all, if you know you have a brighter future then remember to stay focussed on it and enjoy the prospect of it. If it has all gone wrong it will feel and will be a release to enjoy and look forward to. IT will be difficult but you have such a lovely future ahead of you.

[woozywoo]

I appreciate your posts guys, thank you.
But i am not up to replying tonight. Met with a friend and told her everything and it has taken it out of me this evening.

Will reply soon... x

[woozywoo]

Havent been on here since to type a reply, school has kinda taken over, but i feel i need post. I feel in turmoil inside. I know what i need and want to do. I just cannot get around to doing it. I find it so hard to talk it has never been easy for me, especially with difficult subjects, but i know that is the only way i can tell him.

The stuff about the house wont really be difficult to split everything. Its his house i live in and we have never bought something big together. E.g. his tv, sofa, most of the kitchen cupboard contents are mine. Everything in the house really can be pretty much split down the middle of his or mine. So that isnt a tricky job.

I had an email today with offers in for weekends away and stuff. It makes me sad because by being in this relationship i miss out on this sort of stuff. All this that i am saying seems trivial with what some poeple on this forum are going through. But there is an added complication to this whole story now.

I want to crawl away and die. All this would go away. I need to be a brave and strong person, but i am totally the opposite of that which is ruining my life "£$

[cornish]

 &*(

your stronger than you think, you can get though past this, its going to take time to sort out the decision.  hopefully you will feel better when this is resolved

[woozywoo]

Cornish.... i will always suffer depression. But by sorting out this situation my life would be hugely imporved and i would then feel like i had something to fight the depression for. At the moment i havent.

[cornish]

yeah i remember you saying that,  &*(  i meant feel better when the decision is resolved,  sorry for the confusion

[woozywoo]

Thanx Conish, for the hugs.,...dont think i could have beared ear licking this evening! x

[Glen53]

If you really need to do it but you are struggling then leave him a letter saying you have something really important you both need to discuss. Leave it where he will find it and let him come to you to start the conversation and that may give you the nudge you need to get things rolling. DONT tell him how you feel in a letter though - that really would hurt him.

When he does come to you, take the conversation somewhere quiet where you will not be disturbed. Be calm and to the point but use a gentle tone. Try to steer the conversation away from 'point scoring' if it comes to that. Also try to keep the finality of the conversation away from the beginning - dont start with 'its over', start with how you feel and what its doing to you. You never know, he may surprise you with a solution you have not thought of. If he cant suggest anything that feels right and he does try to cling to the relationship but without good reason, then be honest and tell him your descision to end it at that point. Go with your heart and dont make descisions to protect HIM, make them to ensure a better life for you BOTH.

Remember you are doing this for both of you as it may help with any guilty feelings you may have. If you both stay together for the wrong reasons you will end up resenting him and hurting him anyway. If you take a brave and bold step now then it could be sparing both of you a troubled life - trust me as a nurse I have seen plenty of couples who cant stand each other but have clearly stayed together for all the wrong reasons. It makes them bitter, nasty people who have a very sad life.

Be strong and do what you think is right. If you are SURE the relationship cant continue then you must be brave and stick to your guns. If you are still undecided deep down then give him a chance to understand your feelings and keep an open mind to suggestions he may have.

I wish you luck. Its a tough conversation to have, but a necessary one I think.

Be strong. x