Feeling pretty down lately

[nolberto]

Thanks to anyone who reads this!

Hi, I’m a 19 year old guy and I’m just not sure why I feel sad all the time.

I’ve always had issues with my parents, they were born and raised in India before moving to the UK, I’ve been raised in the UK all my life. My parents work very hard and I didn’t see them much as a child, also any free time they did have would go to my severely disabled older brother. I wouldn’t say I was neglected but I didn’t spend much time with them and now I just don’t feel a love for my family that I should and it’s gotten to a point where I can barely stand living with them. I’ve always said that my brother is the only person in the world that I feel any kind of love for but there’s been plenty of times where I wish he was never born as I know it would just make my life a whole lot better (I know that’s a horrible thing to say and is incredibly selfish of me, but it just the way I feel some times).

I’ve also got issues with my best friends, to me they are my family and I look up to them, but they all just seem better than me. They all have more friends, they’re all clever and they’re all good with girls. I aim to be as good as my friends and the fact that I’m not just makes me feel even worse about myself.

Last year I got into University and could finally leave home for a while. I was put into halls and just hated it, my flat and all the flats around me were just unwelcoming and I had a ridiculously hard time making friends. I was pretty sure I was going through some kind of depression for pretty much all of last uni year but never talked to anyone about it because I was ashamed of myself, all my friends were having the times of their lives at uni and I was the one messing it all up. These problems affected my work (I just couldn’t face going to lectures and socializing with people) and I almost failed 1st year as a result.

I never used to find it hard to make new friends, I was an avid rower for 5 years and I always did my work. Now I find it extremely hard to socialize at all, even with my best friends, I just can’t be bothered to do anything physical and I just can’t concentrate on any work whatsoever. I’ve always seemed to be able to overcome most things in my life; I’ve learnt how to cope with my brothers illness, I’ve lost a lot of weight and I’ve always done well in school, but I just can’t seem to get over this.

Almost every moment I’m alone I’ll spend dwelling on bad times and I’ll be in tears. Just last week I was on a night out with my flatmates, I left the club early because I didn’t want to talk to anyone in the club and came home and just spent the night crying in my room by myself. The only real method of coping with this is drugs, I smoke weed every day and I love ecstasy, being on ecstasy is the only time I ever feel truly happy. I’m not a drug addict, I know I shouldn’t be relying on these things but right now there seems to be no alternative solution.

[tharidler]

hi nolberto
welcome to the forum you will find plenty of support here and people who may have similar issues in their lives first of all may i ask if you have spoken to a doctor or a councillor as i think this is a good idea i understand some of the issues you have raised from a personal standpoint i know its hard when a family member is neglected for another no matter how noble the reasons,and its always tough when you try to be like others and it can all feel unfair as for drugs there's no lecture here as you know the risks but you are using them as a crutch and thats not ideal hope this helps a little and i hope you can get some help

[Lol]

Hello Nolberto. That was a great post it must have been a bit of a relief to have got all that out. I understand the feeling of general sadness, this is how I felt that first time my first depression was diagnosed. You have been coping with a lot your whole life. Not having had the stability and nurturing from your family that you craved and needed as a child, despite the reasons for it, was very difficult and left you having to understand life and all that comes with it on your own. You have had to be incredibly understanding, flexible, and I sense have always felt you needed to put yourself 2nd to various things going on. Me too!! But this, although admirable, has overloaded your own capacity to cope with these things because there was no one to see that you had needs too and help and guide and comfort you.

The feelings and emotions you are having are consistent with those of depression and I strongly advise that you go to your GP and tell him/her exactly what you have just said here. Explain about the club and coming home to cry the rest of the night, and the lack of concentration and physical energy. Depression is a chemical imbalance that can be corrected with the right kind of medication and sometimes with the aid of talking therapies. Your GP is an important place to start so that you can start to feel better as soon as you can with the right treatment. How you describe is a horrible way to feel but there is help available, no need to suffer untreated and certainly no need to feel ashamed about seeking help.

You are very welcome here, talk as much as you like and we will help as much as we can.

Take Care Lol

[Zaf]

I too would urge you to see a doctor and explain how you feel.

[woozywoo]

I agree with what everyone has said here. Thge doctor should be your first stop and hopefully the first step to making yourself feel a little better.

I have been going downhill recently and have been delaying a trip to the doctors, but it needs to be done .

Good luck with it. There are loads of people on here who can help and support you x

[lbruk]

Hey nolberto, im sorry to hear you feel the way you do. it would be helpful for you to see a doctor, i think that you have quite a lot to work through and the some of the hardest parts of this journey is just admitting that you have a problem.
as for the drugs, they might make you feel good, but the down side is that when you are not on them, things are worse than they would be if you were not on them.

give yourself a break, forgive yourself for feeling this way, speak to your gp and tell them everything you can, about how you feel, how you feel when on drugs and as much of the experiences you have had that you can. you'll probably break down in tears there, and thats OK, prepare yourself for knowing that they will help and its ok to be upset in front of them.
i know you said you have had trouble making friends, but is there one person, one person you trust that you can open up too?

[Glen53]

Welcome.

I agree with the posts above, let the GP know.

We are here to support you if you need to talk.

Take care