Hello my name is Mark, please read my story

[hybridtoy]

Hey... I don't know whether to post my whole life story on here because that's just too long and will probably make me more suicidal than I am already. I'll be briefish. I've been depressed/living in a state of fear since as far back as i can remember but i guess things got pretty terrible at the age of 14 (im now 22) when my parents put a hell of a lot of pressure on me to do well at school and verbally threatened me. Over the years since then i have suffered a lot of emotional distress. One of my exgirlfriends told all my other friends that i pushed her down the stairs so that everyone would hate me. she used to hit me and when i broke up with her she would stalk me and try to ruin every aspect of my life. My current girlfriend is amazing, so i dont know why she is with me. Shes done so much for me but im too depressed to give anything back so i get really upset with myself. Ive tried really hard but she seems to have more fun when shes just with her friends. I dont even know if i want to be with her but i hold onto our relationship (which is a terrible thing for me to do to her) because i cant bear the thought of going into the darkness that i was in a year ago when i couldnt read or talk to people or eat. Ive gotten the tiniest bit better since then but still have no idea why i keep going with my life because i have no hope and no one to turn to. The only person who ive ever told any of my troubles is my therapist who i "completed" my therapy with back in april but i wasnt ready to finish it. I have terrible paranoia. i believe if i ever talk to a friend about my problems they will get terrified and will never want to see me again, but worse is that they will get extremely upset and i dont want them to worry about me. i dont have many friends anyway. I feel like i am a good person. I am communicative enough to be polite to people, to be courteous and to help people if need be but i dont get anything in return, just this horrible affliction on my brain which i cant get rid of but im too terrified to take my own life. I occassionally have these thoughts of what i would like to do with my life but then they are overshadowed by the fact that i know i will never get there (the realistic side of things > the idealistic). i have failed at everything ive ever tried and i cant take any more failure. Ive been on medication but it never works - medication isnt going to change my life situation. i live with my parents who i never see. i work as a cleaner at a hospital which i hate and i cant get another job. My parents once spoke to me about a year ago, then they said that i should get an office job or something. I assumed they wanted me to be terribly miserable because i cant think of anything worse than to sit in a room on my own staring at a computer screen for 40 hours a week only to come home and go to bed. i wouldnt be able to do the job anyway in my current situation. i shower about twice a week and shave about twice a year. i find keeping up my hygiene really hard/pointless. i hate the UK and the way everything is. the recession. this modern obsession with technology that drives people further and further apart. the loss of culture and tradition. and the fact that people are evil. everyone is judging everyone else and i cant stand to be looked at or spoken to because i have nothing positive to say to anyone and im ashamed of my life. i bought a distance learning course in journalism but now i feel terrible because i dont really like it that much and it was expensive. i havent kept up with it very well. i dont have anything to drive me to do it. journalism is really competitive and i cant cope with failing at it. its the only thing i think i could even vaguely do but there are no jobs for it out there. i love music and id love to write features for bands but u have to have so much behind u to get started its just impossible. im tired of feeling worthless. i feel like i am worth something but no one will ever see it.

I've tried to condense this and I think I've done fairly well. I can expand a hell of a lot on much of what I've said. I am aware that this is entirely unchronological and badly written - I was trying to get everything in while it was on my mind. i hope someone reads this and can come up with something i havent heard before to help me. I will listen to your story too.

[hybridtoy]

ps. the one thing that has helped me slightly since a year ago is that just over a year ago i couldnt think of any possible way of getting out of my hole... now i know of a few things that might make me vaguely happy but they are just too hard to get

[Zaf]

Hi Mark and welcome, everyone will help as much as they are able and hope you can find some inspiration here to help you fight this horible illness xx

[hybridtoy]

thanks zaf

[Glen53]

Hi Mark.

It might be worth keeping a journal and writing down how you feel each day. I find it useful because i can see the ups and downs when I read back. It helps me see the progress I make and the things i achieve - especially the little improvements I 'miss' every day because im too busy being hard on myself.

The journal section is here: http://depressionforums.co.uk/dpf/index.php?board=23.0

The most immediate thing i notice is that you are hard on your current job. A couple of things I feel I must mention: 
You manage to do the job - some cant manage to hold anything down and with depression it is very hard sometimes, so you should feel proud of that.
Also, you seem hard on the type of job you do. I was a cleaner in a hospital at your age too. Its an important job - I mean that. Without good cleaners the hospitals would be a breeding ground for bugs and people would become more seriously ill. I still work in the NHS now and Im full of praise for our cleaners - not only do they work hard, but they are often more friendly and have more time for the patients than the nurses do. I progressed on to be an HCA then a rehab assistant and Im often told that mith my qualifications I could be 'so much more'. So what?. Im happy doing the job I do. Dont let others make you feel inferior in that respect.

I hope you find the forum useful Mark, the people here are wonderfully friendly and supportive.  :)

[hybridtoy]

Thanks Glen. This helped a lot. The journal that you talk about was one of the best things that my therapist used to help me. I would state for every hour of every day what i was doing in a box on a grid and give a score of my mood. This way i saw where the odd high was and what it was that made me hit rock bottom again. Thanks for bringing it up because I think I'll use it again. Perhaps I'm overlooking my mood shifts.

Also with the job thing, I agree with you that it's not a bad job but I am fairly unable to do it. I've been getting complaints recently (which is odd that it's only recently because I've been finding my job impossible for ages) and I feel worse because I can't be trusted. I don't know whether I should mention this to my supervisor or keep leaving it, it would be too embarrassing to mention my mental health I think. It's still a pretty taboo thing to bring into the workplace.
Also, my parents are the only reason I go to work in the morning because I wouldn't be able to get up otherwise. I feel like, essentially, they are keeping me miserable. If I hadn't moved home then I would have lost my job a year and a half ago... maybe that would have been better for me 

[hybridtoy]

And I will definitely use the journal section on this site, thanks for the advice.

[Glen53]

Its a vicious circle, and one I know well.

The fact that you are holding on to the job is still a good thing. Try to see it as a bonus and work on improving there if you can. I know its tough. Losing the job would not be the end of the world if you are with your parents, but Im sure you would struggle more with your feelings if you did.

Have you spoken to a doctor about your mood? It might be worth trying to get some councilling or something similar.

[Holykimura]

Hi and welcome to the forum. Hope you start feeling better soon.

[hybridtoy]

I've been on antidepressants and had counselling before. I had a manic episode in oct/nov 2009 and was put on citalopram. The first 2 weeks were absolute hell but after the third week onwards I felt better and had lived with a bunch of mates at the time so I had people to have a laugh with once I got better. This time round (started in Sept/Oct 2010) i finished uni and moved home... got really depressed and went on fluoxetine, which i dont reckon did anything for me at all. I had counselling which helped and now i know what the issues are but not how to resolve them. I can't imagine being in a job that i enjoy and everytime i try to do something constructive i get majorly depressed because i cant seem to follow anything through. I see friends occassionally but we dont do much and i have no hobbies. I used to have hobbies but I have no one to do them with anymore. I play video games every now and then but mainly to take my mind off of my life. Looking back on the past year ive realised how much time ive wasted getting stuck into long and deep video games just to escape from reality. I know a lot of gamers do that but my situation seems a lot darker and it adds to the fear that I feel in everyday life. I just don't want to be unhappy and afraid all the time

[Zaf]

I think trying to escape is part of depression, in whatever way we choose to do it

Have you thought of trying to start up one of your hobbies again, perhaps one that might help you meet new people?

[Glen53]

Ever tried photography?

Its one of my hobbies now and I find it ticks all the boxes for depression. If im stuck in the house and cant go out, I practice photographing the cats. If I can go out but dont want to be around people I go for a walk and practice landscape. If Im feeling braver i go to a car show or track (my other hobby) and take pictures of the cars. I can always 'hide' behind the camera and because people know Im the 'David Bailey' of the group, they never bother me to get more involved.

You can start with a fairly cheap camera and move up when you get better at it.

This is all just a suggestion but depression-wise, there are no quick answers im afraid. It sounds to me like you look for reasoning with how you are feeling, just as i do. Be careful of this as there is not always a reason to be found. 

[hybridtoy]

I have thought about taking up an old hobby recently actually; I would quite like to play squash again at the club in my village but I can't afford it at the moment. Thankyou for the suggestion though, I think i'll look out for that in the future. Hopefully I could make friends there and practise on a weekly basis. Photography is a nice idea Glen but the only thing that bothers me there is that my problem lies in being terribly lonely. I have this fear of committing to something that is likely to isolate me further. I just wish I could make new friends with whom I could do something I really get enjoyment out of. I find it hard to enjoy anything at the moment. I just do things for comfort and escapism. Thankyou for the suggestion though Glen. I'm really grateful that there is someone out there offering advice.

I can't stop thinking about taking my own life. It goes around in my head all day everyday and I can't take it anymore. I just want to cry all the time.

My Uncle died yesterday morning so obviously my family are upset at the moment. I was looking forward to christmas as being a comforting time with all my family being around and now its not going to be a happy experience. I feel terrible because although it did upset me, I can't feel sad enough about it as a normal person would because of how bad things are in my own head at the moment.

My mum actually noticed that I was miserable the other day and she made me talk about it. I briefly mentioned about how i hate my job and how i cant even do it properly and she suggested just quitting if it was making me that miserable (I didn't quite express how terrible i felt about my life). I said that if i thought that i had that option then I would have quit over a year ago. I'm working this coming week (three shifts) and then I'm never going back. Initially i thought that this would be a huge relief for me but I dont think its going to make a huge difference.

Also, the recruitment agency got in touch with me earlier this week and told me about a full time job, but then they said they havent actually sent over my CV yet. I initially was really hopeful about getting the job as I would be doing something worthwhile and using my brain but then the woman explained that the job is at an insurance company and I will be taking phone calls and then redirecting people to a specific department. So my job would consist of 'Hang on i'll put you through...'

I just can't think of anything to help my situation. And I can't get my head around how working full time at an insurance company would be make me less depressed not more depressed. I constantly feel like I'm on the edge of a mental breakdown and the only way to stop it is to drink a lot of alcohol but i dont want to become an alcoholic .

Im wondering whether I should open up entirely to my parents (since they are who I live with and they are around a lot).

[Zaf]

Really sorry to hear about your uncle, its definitely not going to make things easier for you at ths time

It might well be a good idea to open up to your parents if you think they will be understanding and supportive, any help to get better is a great idea.

Do you knw what sort of job you would like and would make you happy?  It might be something you hadnt considered before for various reasons but as we spend so much of our lives working doing something enjoy is one way of not getting depressed.

I'm afraid most of my hobbies are rather solitary so not sure what to suggest there but wonder if you'd thought of doing any voluntary work which might help you meet people

xx

[hybridtoy]

I can feel myself on the verge onf just opening right up to my parents but I think i'm going to hold it back for a little while until the uncle stuff blows over (out of respect). I keep thinking that something like bar work would be nice because it would be a friendly atmosphere. Then i remember that it is very repetitive and i feel like im at the age where i should be doing a more respectful job than that. But the 'respectful' jobs just dont appeal to me. I have this fear of working in an office. Anyone out there work/worked in an office and can tell me what its like? Is it always really solitary? Is it depressing? I might start this as a post on another section of the forum.