Feel very down and like a complete loser

[ppyvabw]

Hi,

I'm not sure what I really expect with this thread: just to write some stuff down I think.

I'm currently unemployed, and no matter what I do, I cannot get any luck finding a job that I have spent the last ten years studying for - whilst suffering OCD and depression - so for a start, that is really making me cross! I had one interview, and the guy never even got back to me either way, and that was three months ago now so I have all but given up on expecting to hear anything. I'm nearly 30, and have had to move back in with my father and step-mother which is driving me insane: I have no means of getting out, have very little to do during the day and have no friends or connections around here at all. I feel like I have absolutely nothing going for me at all: no job, no money, no friends, my car is sat in the yard going rusty (which I put a lot of work and money into building it) because I can't afford to run it, no girlfriend; nothing at all. What makes me angry is that I have done everything 'right' - I was good at school, had a career in mind and went to university to study for it, never been in trouble with the law, yet am still out of a job. My step-sister on the other hand, with whom I have never got on and have always kind of been in competition with, has done nothing right - she was in trouble incessantly with the local plod, dropped out of school and got up the duff at 16, never went to college or anything, yet she's the one with prospects and a job, and is going swanning around Europe for Christmas whilst I'll be sat at home. It's like some people have to try really hard to have things, yet others can be six foot deep in pooh and still come out smelling of bloody roses.

I am having real trouble sleeping - like not until 6 in the morning some days, and then by the time I wake up it's gone midday and half the day's gone. Then it goes dark at 4, so I have seen hardly any daylight which is not helping my mood at all. I constantly ache - I guess as a consequence of my not sleeping properly, but of course not having anything to do during the day means I'm not getting any exercise or getting tired. The doctor did tests to rule out thyroid problems and stuff, and I'm on Flouxetine, but it's as much use as an inflatable dartboard. I'm getting paranoid and persecutory feelings; specifically, that my dad or step mum are saying/thinking things about me behind my back, or that they don't want me here - stuff like that. I'm convinced they are thinking bad things about me, or that other people are - particularly, making judgements about my current situation. I have explosive fits of temper too.

The only thing that has really improved is my drinking; so, instead of having 7 pints of ale every night, I'm only having maybe 15 to 20 a week.

Sometimes in the morning I used to say, 'Oh no not another day' to people who know me and my depression for comic effect, but recently I actually mean it: I wake up dreading having another day of absolutely nothing to do and nothing to look forward to at all.

[Zaf]

Hi

If you feel your medication isnt working I would urge you to go back to ypur GP and tell him/her how you feel, have you been offered any counselling?

Job prospects for many people are very poor at the moment, and although it makes you angry, there are thousands in the same boat as you so it is no failing on your part not being able to find employment; as an employer we only take on people with experience these days and I partly blame various governments for making it so difficult for employers to take on apprentices to train themselves.

I dont know what your chosen profession is but have you thought of taking on some voluntary work, preferably linked to what you have trained for?  It looks good on a CV and might give you some personal satisfaction.

Z xx

[lou]

my mum used to say to me 'louise if there's an easy road or a hard road you always find the hard one' sometimes life just throws you a bum deal, i'd like to think there must be a reason for it - some lesson to be learnt? what ever your current situation is it will get better. i know you probably don't feel it will right now but you will look back on it all and be stronger, just try and stay focused - get some good reading material and go back to your G.P and explain how you feel. ^&^

[ppyvabw]

Hi

If you feel your medication isnt working I would urge you to go back to ypur GP and tell him/her how you feel, have you been offered any counselling?

Yes Z, I was offered counselling. I had CBT where I went to university last for my OCD, which was very good, but having also experienced a wide range of the counselling services in this area, not only is there an astronomical waiting list, the NHS service here is just rubbish. There's a private guy I went to see before, but I couldn't afford it now. As for meds, it's difficult to tell if they are working: I may be even worse without them. I'm on 40 at the moment, but he may turn it up if I ask; I was on 80mg of the same meds for my OCD on the recommendation of my psych.

Louise, at the moment I feel like my whole life up to now is just one bum deal, and sometimes I can't help feeling that there's a god up there who's punishing me for something; I know that's irrational - and a little selfish- but sometimes it's the only explanation for why nothing has ever gone right.

[lou]

i know what you mean! do go back to your doctor though perhaps a higher dose might help. what anti D are you on? :)

[ppyvabw]

It's flouxetine.

[Zaf]

It might be worth going back toyour GP, you might need an increased dose or a change of meds - I was on fluoexetine for years then it stopped working, now I'm on citralopram which helps me more

[lou]

yep i've tried fluoxatine and citalopram! now on lofepramine. what doseage are you on? it may need increasing  :)