Do your family struggle to understand your depression?

[Flea]

My younger brother just doesn't get it and tries to relate to me in terms of how he or a 'normal' person would react to certain situations, rather than a depressed person. 

He got angry with me and called me selfish when I voiced my concern about the effect it would have on me visiting my Uncle, who is terminally ill.  I did visit him and I'm glad I did, but it took a lot of courage as I was so scared about the impact on my headspace.  Writing it now makes me think I was selfish...but then, my depression has been exaggerated by me putting people first, rather than being good to myself.  He said I irritated him.

I really wish he would try to understand.  Maybe read articles on depression, or make an effort to see my perspective, however odd it seems to him.  He said he has tried to help in the past by inviting me for dinner for example, but I declined as I felt so bad and wanted to withdraw.  I explained that depression can make someone isolate themselves from others, but he has interpreted my behaviour as rejection of help.

I feel awful and really want to help him meet me half way as we seem at loggerheads.

How have you gone about similar situations?   

[cornish]

you need to come first your ill and you need to take steps to avoid situations that are triggering.  i cant really think to straight at the moment but can relate to this, not so much with family as im fairly good ate hiding most of it from them, but with other people.

[Zaf]

no one that hasnt experienced depression can really understand what its like and some people are worse than others unfortunately.  I dont tell my mum because she doesnt believe in depression so if I'm bad with it I simply tell her I'm being treated for exhaustion

Its not easy trying to explain depression to someone that has no idea what its like,  see if you could get him to read this link http://www.familyhealthguide.co.uk/depressive-illness-the-curse-of-the-strong.html  or even the little book by the same name,  it helped my husband understand a lot more what I was going through and why I couldnt do all the things I used to before I got ill in July

[tharidler]

dear flea
its often hard for people to understand depression and also it comes in many shapes and sizes so its not easy to define. one thing that helped my wife understand a bit more was by reading the ongoing coursework i had been doing in therapy there is literature out there but it is not always easy to understand and i say that from my point of view being the one that suffers from this.now visiting a sick relative especially someone who has a terminal illness is not easy at the best of times now me personally i could not do it but that was very brave of you to do it i have said this before on this and other forums "be kind to yourself first" my therapist used to drive me nuts saying this all the time but it is good advice whilst your brother was well meaning to invite you to dinner i know it can be hard to attend such things and it is something that used to be hard for me, one thing i have learnt in therapy is it all takes time, my wife understands and for that i love her i have tried to open up to my parents and i was told i was just being silly not really helpfull especially considering i'm 40 i hope this helps a little and i hope tommorow is better than yesterday.

[Happyinheels]

Hi.... Just gotta say... You have to look after you first....I'm learning to literally take one day at a time. Don't worry about your family.... I know it's hard and they want to help you but I am literally being selfish at the moment.... Taking a day at a time and doing things that make me feel good. My family understand this to a degree, when I'm in a better head space I will explain my thoughts and feelings to them. If they want you to be better they wil give you space to just be you.

[Glen53]

Very good advice.

[Flea]

Hi.... Just gotta say... You have to look after you first....I'm learning to literally take one day at a time. Don't worry about your family.... I know it's hard and they want to help you but I am literally being selfish at the moment.... Taking a day at a time and doing things that make me feel good. My family understand this to a degree, when I'm in a better head space I will explain my thoughts and feelings to them. If they want you to be better they wil give you space to just be you.

I tried to explain this concept to him, but he just accused me of being selfish.  My Uncle did a lot for us as youngsters and my brother thinks I am bang out of order for waiting so long to visit.  I can see his view...but he is so dismissive of my fear and concern for how it may have affected me.  He feels my Uncle's needs should come first.  When I visited my Uncle, I apologised and explained my absence.  He just said it was alright and gave me a hug, and said that out of everyone in the family, he missed me the most.  If he can understand, when he is frightened and feeling very poorly, then why can't my brother?

I do love my Uncle, but in the last 9 years I have lost my Mum, both grandmothers, another Uncle and my Aunt (who acted as my Mother figure after my Mum's death, and is the wife of my currently ill Uncle).  So the reality of losing someone else who means the world to me is just so frightening and freaks me out.

I visited yesterday, on the 8th anniversary of my Mother's death.  The altercation with my brother happen prior to visiting.  I'm not sure the significance of the date had occurred to him...maybe it had, as he said I'd be upset if I didn't see my Uncle and something happened, so he was in his own way trying to jolt me and help me out?

Ultimately, I just don't think my brother can or wants to understand.  Our Mother suffered from depression and we didn't have the best childhood as a result.  I think perhaps I embarass my brother and he wishes I was the strong, older sister...when all I want is him to give me a big warm hug and try, just try to see my perspective.  He says he is so busy with his job and family (wife, 2 year old and one on the way) to help me as well.

It feels such a mess.   

[Happyinheels]

To suffer so much loss is going to affect you in ways we will never understand.... He will understand eventually... He's never going to fully get it... I have te same issue with my sisters.... They think everything is black and white but life just isn't as simple as that.... We all have issues we need to address... Your ups and downs will affect the people closest to you. They love you regardless... This is what I'm learning.... Slowly...!

[Flea]

Thank you everyone...Zaf, the link is excellent.  Made me cry, as it hit so many spots.

[Flea]

To suffer so much loss is going to affect you in ways we will never understand.... He will understand eventually... He's never going to fully get it... I have te same issue with my sisters.... They think everything is black and white but life just isn't as simple as that.... We all have issues we need to address... Your ups and downs will affect the people closest to you. They love you regardless... This is what I'm learning.... Slowly...!

But my brother has felt the same losses.  You'd think he would feel protective towards me, but I honestly feel he doesn't like me as a person.

[Happyinheels]

The only person who will fully understand is you! Just give him time.....continue to love him and one day it will suddenly click for him.... He just needs to try and understand your illness.

[Flea]

The only person who will fully understand is you! Just give him time.....continue to love him and one day it will suddenly click for him.... He just needs to try and understand your illness.

I don't think he is prepared to, as I'm a blip on his now perfect life. 

[Zaf]

It seems to me its your brother thats being either selfish or simply doesnt really know how to handle your illness

While I totally understand your reluctance to visit your uncle I would urge you to try as much as you can or you may feel really guilty whan he is no longer with you.  I was with my dad when he died, I held his hand and spoke to him as he took his last breaths and I'm very glad I was there and almost continuously for the last fortnight of his life even though it was incredibly hard at the time.

[Glen53]

I agree with Zaf about regretting things later if you dont get to visit. It will be very tough, but you will be glad of it later on.

I know its a scary thought, but if you do struggle a little when visiting and your brother is around to see it, it may make it easier for him to understand how badly it affects you. I have found in the past that explaining my condition to others is pointless sometimes but if they see me struggle, they understand a lot quicker. This is also true of my Crohns disease.

It does seem as though he is over-reacting a bit though. Perhaps there are other issues he is worried about and he is just projecting them onto you?

 

[Flea]

I agree with Zaf about regretting things later if you dont get to visit. It will be very tough, but you will be glad of it later on.

I know its a scary thought, but if you do struggle a little when visiting and your brother is around to see it, it may make it easier for him to understand how badly it affects you. I have found in the past that explaining my condition to others is pointless sometimes but if they see me struggle, they understand a lot quicker. This is also true of my Crohns disease.

It does seem as though he is over-reacting a bit though. Perhaps there are other issues he is worried about and he is just projecting them onto you?

 

My brother is very reactive and is over sensitive to any challenge, whiff of criticism or even taking the mickey out him for a bit of fun!  I am often afraid how he will react to anything as he can be so explosive, so I tend to keep things in.  It's a shame, as we were close as children.

I am definitely going to visit my Uncle regularly now - now the first visit is out of the way it doesn't feel as scary...it was shocking to see how he has deteriorated and very upsetting, but like everyone says, I would regret not seeing him.

However, I still would really like to have a better relationship with my brother...just wish he would try to meet me half way.