hello im a newbie-after 7 yrs i now accept i have depression and need help :(

[poppy3722]

hello everybody.....where to start....im really no good at trying to explain my feelings and emotions but here goes...
Im a 22 yr old female and i have been feeling depressed now for what i can remember about 7/8 years. At the start i was a young teen and the periodic down/teary spells i felt were just put down to hormones and becoming a teen by myself, and my parents too. Not to brag or anything but i had a great childhood, supportive loving, and anything you could wish for in a family!i was a happy child but the shyest out of my two sisters and my mum did everything in her power to make me more confident in myself, drama, dancing, music etc etc. To say she is a pushy parent...maybe, but i wouldn't have changed that for the world, she was being a mum and a great one at that! And it is through that i have learnt to force myself to do most things in my life which i am dreading to do/ worried about, be this work, hobbies etc. However unlike my sisters i never stuck out any of these hobbies, and quit whenever anything became too serious....i was and am still a big worrier you see and always worry about anything and every trivial thing in my day to day life. During high school i was popular, i had a large group of friends who came to be my best friends and still are to this day (i know i am very lucky) but as a teen, unknowingly to others...and still unknowingly i became self conscious....low self esteem. if i walked into a room i would feel like people were talking about me. I was fine when arround my friends but when i got home i would get teary on occasional evenings but never tell my mum or anyone how i was truly feeling....... I felt in my family there was this constant pressure to be perfect academically and live up to expectations and follow my older sisters footsteps....so this is what i forced myself to do. I didnt even know why i was crying or feeling like this...but know i think it was the start of what i have now.it was pretty much like this up until i finished college when i was 18...i lived a normal teenage life...i was happy but depressing feelings were always lying dormant, bringing up periodic spells of downess and i was never happy with myself. i was and still am a pleaser, often i did what others wanted me to do...not what i wanted to do, im a softy and worry about people and myself...i didnt have the normal care-free attitude of a teenager. sorry i feel like im going on a bit skip ahead and im now 22 and in my second year of uni. 1st yr after uni i went travelling  then i did a year of a degree. these 2 years were filled with fun and i started drinking-alot and this helped me mask my insecurities and gave me a temporary false sense of confidence...however after this wore off and reality hit i spiralled down.... i had made friends at uni but felt like i couldnt get properly close to people anymore like i did in school. They saw me as this really caring and happy girl on the outside but i felt like i was just lying to myself and them (about the happiness). i felt like my friends from home were having much better uni experiences than myself and started to fear that they were moving on with their lives without me. I impulsively quit my course...i stopped going out much and when i did i had to drink to give me confidence and felt like i was boring uninteresting and unattrcative without it. if i drank i drank alot as just a little bit would have the opposite effect and make me even more depressed! i was just working part time....i went from short relationship to short relationship....initially these made me feel a little relief for a while but i was unable to let myself go and become completely comfortable around them....i wouldnt be confident in myself and never thought i was good enough for them and i couldnt let them know how i truly feel inside! i always got dumped!each time it effected me worse. i started to do impulse things in the seek for happiness. i spent a summer abroad......time to think... but this thinking time wasnt good for me.....i got into debt! following year decided to go back to uni...im now in my second year....and for this past 2 years my spells of depression are getting more and more frequent: to explain how i feel.....constantly worrying over thinking and over analysing everything and about my life, always tired!!oversleeep so then dont eat properly. i have always been a patient person which people have always commented me on however i have started to become irritable and impatient when listening to people and constantly feel guilty for this. i now almost always switch my brain off whenever having a conversation with anyone and loose concentration immediately!i feel i am becoming selfish!i have become deffensive and feel like people are watching judging and laughng at me....i feel like the outcast and i have no reason to feel like this!!i dont enjoy going out anymore and cancel on people/would rather work than go out.  i feel like im distancing myself from myfriends and am paranoid of being left out and having nothing in common with them anymore.most days i can get myself to uni but there is not one day which goes by now where i dont feel in the slightest &$%+! the other day i spent 3 days in bed.....then went from that to booking a weeks holiday away for january with my friend...which i know i cant afford!!i lie to everyone still though and am still putting on this mask of happy me. i have confided once to my close sister who lives alsewhere...i didnt reveal the extent of my feelings but she said she wanted me to go see a doctor...tell someone, but i just dont know what to say!i feel like nothing can stop how i am feeling and i am ashamed...i dont want anyone to know!! she hasnt mentioned it since so i dont think she realises how seever i am actually feel...nobody does but i dont want my family or friends to know!i feel like iv let them down if i do!i think know i have accepted i have some sort of depression and should seek a doctor/professional but thought i would look to come on a place like this first to vent how i am feeling...and get some opinions from other people who feel like this!im so sorry to go on so much....i just feel like its happening again and im getting the urge to quit my job and my studies and sometimes feel that my life is just not worth living anymore...and i feel soooooo bad fro feeling this as there is people in alot worse position than me and i should have no reason to feel like this!!!so then i start to have ideas of changing who i am....i get over obssessed with creating a new me in my head and really want to become somebody else if this makes sense!!??ooo i dont know i just hope soem1 can shine some light on what you think i might have...! i hope ur all ok anyway!nice to be on here i finally plucked up the corage to tell some1!!its dribing me crazy im constantly anxiuos and the other day felt like i was going to have a panic attack on the trainas i started to think too much about it!!xxx

[poppy3722]

p.s sorry for the bad spelling i started to get all overwhelmed and rushing typing this sorry its a bit long 2!!!bear with me xx

[Munchroom]

Hi Poppy and welcome  :)

I can relate to some aspects of your post so much. Especially the very low self-esteem, over thinking, over analysing worrying what people think about me. I always think I could be a 'better' person, a better friend, better girlfriend, better daughter.... and then of course all of the over thinking and going over an over things in your mind makes you exhausted! It is though a very real aspect of depression.

As is buying things you can't always afford and doing things 'on an impulse' I'm finding myself doing this more and more at the moment   I always regret it of course, and then feel guilty and then the whole cycle starts all over again.

I would definetley encourage you to go to see your GP - and also, make the most of the friends you have, try and open up to them about how you are really feeling. it is not being 'weak' its just saying.... 'hang on a minute, this is all a bit to much, can I have a hug and a bit of re-assurance?'

Please carry on posting, everyone is really friendly
Nay x

[poppy3722]

Hi Poppy and welcome  :)

I can relate to some aspects of your post so much. Especially the very low self-esteem, over thinking, over analysing worrying what people think about me. I always think I could be a 'better' person, a better friend, better girlfriend, better daughter.... and then of course all of the over thinking and going over an over things in your mind makes you exhausted! It is though a very real aspect of depression.

As is buying things you can't always afford and doing things 'on an impulse' I'm finding myself doing this more and more at the moment   I always regret it of course, and then feel guilty and then the whole cycle starts all over again.

I would definetley encourage you to go to see your GP - and also, make the most of the friends you have, try and open up to them about how you are really feeling. it is not being 'weak' its just saying.... 'hang on a minute, this is all a bit to much, can I have a hug and a bit of re-assurance?'

Please carry on posting, everyone is really friendly
Nay x

hi nay!
thanks for the reply its nice to speak to some1 who has similiar experiences... i totally agree the over-analysing and the thinking is really what probably has the most effect...its so exhausting and just becomes a vicious circle. i have been quite good with regards to the impulse clothes buying recently by avoiding shops...but then like i said i ended up booking a holiday i couldnt afford....either way ill find someway!the thing is whenever i buy clothes alot of the time i find they are in the wardrobe with the tickets still on, as i never feel in the mood to go out and wear them...i try them on at home and just feel awful in them ....its not just in the appearance front though its like you said trying to be a better person daughter too etc!i really want to confide in my friends but just dont feel they will understand how bad it is and think im just having a down day...and i really think it would suprise them if they knew!i just dont want to bore them with it....i feel it would be sefish of me. maybe see my gp first like you said...i just dont no what to say when i first go in??sounds pathetic but im not one for talking about my problems so wouldnt have a clue how to go about starting the topic!
thanks nay x

[Munchroom]

I think that initial appointment at the doctors is probably one of the most daunting things we have to go through! I know when I first went I just sat and bawled my eyes out for half an hour!

Try writing things down before you go... then if it all gets too much, thrust the piece of paper in their face and let them take it from there  Its what I did a few weeks ago (and I see my doctor every fortnight!  ) They will know the questions they need to ask in order to make a diagnosis, so don't be afraid of leaving it up to them 

xx

[tharidler]

hello poppy
wow that was a lot to get out in one go and i think you should be very pleased to have done that i thinm alot of us can identify with many things you have said first of all can i say i'm sure many of us have done similar things ie having maybe one too many shandys to feel confident or help mask things always being there for people or putting on a happy face is noble but self sacrafice often can go hand in hand with depression as a way of coping with the things we can't cope with or don't know are there i'm sure it can be difficult in a student house to have privacy for a phone call discussing private things so a drop in center or this forum is a good start never feel you are being selfish as sometimes this is necessary to help yourself i have always been told by my therapists to be kind to yourself if you are not sure what to say to a doctor try to write down some points that describe wher you are at the moment i hope some of this helps as i know i can ramble sometimes but you are on the right path good luck

[Glen53]

Hi Poppy.

First of all I want to say i respect you for describing your feelings. Its not easy to be so honest about how you feel when you feel so low.

I can relate to some of what you are saying especially about feeling uncomfortable when being out and about. I feel VERY vunerable when Im low and its nearly impossible to be amongst large groups of people. When I first saw a Therapist I was about your age. I was told my depression was anxiety based. I would get very worried over things and overthink even the simplest event. Indeed right now, Im again struggling with these feelings. Im constantly worrying about others because its easier than thinking of me. i cant stand trains, buses or enclosed spaces with people in.

You are doing the right thing by talking about these feelings. Dont feel isolated. Talk to people on here about how you feel - there are always kind words of encouragement to be had. I do think talking to a proffesional helps if you can get it as long as you 'gel' with whoever you see. I found Cognative therapy a real help, but it can be tough to get reffered and there are long waiting times. Failing that, simple counciling helps too - again if you get on with the councilor.

Im happy to talk on here if you need an ear to bend.  :)

[poppy3722]

hello poppy
wow that was a lot to get out in one go and i think you should be very pleased to have done that i thinm alot of us can identify with many things you have said first of all can i say i'm sure many of us have done similar things ie having maybe one too many shandys to feel confident or help mask things always being there for people or putting on a happy face is noble but self sacrafice often can go hand in hand with depression as a way of coping with the things we can't cope with or don't know are there i'm sure it can be difficult in a student house to have privacy for a phone call discussing private things so a drop in center or this forum is a good start never feel you are being selfish as sometimes this is necessary to help yourself i have always been told by my therapists to be kind to yourself if you are not sure what to say to a doctor try to write down some points that describe wher you are at the moment i hope some of this helps as i know i can ramble sometimes but you are on the right path good luck

Hi tha ridler...haha yes its a lot to get out....well its been building up in me for 7 years now...so i guess! thankyou for the tips....you were not rambling...i think i will try and write down some points for the gp!....this is the first time i have ever written down my feelings and i already feel like typing them up just now to you lovely people on here has helped as its been building up all this time!thankyou hope ur well x

[poppy3722]

I think that initial appointment at the doctors is probably one of the most daunting things we have to go through! I know when I first went I just sat and bawled my eyes out for half an hour!

Try writing things down before you go... then if it all gets too much, thrust the piece of paper in their face and let them take it from there  Its what I did a few weeks ago (and I see my doctor every fortnight!  ) They will know the questions they need to ask in order to make a diagnosis, so don't be afraid of leaving it up to them 

xx

thanks nay...you are right this first time is going to be daunting....i think because i am not one for going to the doctors anyway (i avoid the place even when i feel ill) that it will be strange at first talking to a stranger face to face about this...but then i will probably be a regular 2 week visitor like you eventully...and im sure that will help me :) thanks for the tip...im going to jot down my feelings if i need to show them to the doctor...x

[poppy3722]

Hi Poppy.

First of all I want to say i respect you for describing your feelings. Its not easy to be so honest about how you feel when you feel so low.

I can relate to some of what you are saying especially about feeling uncomfortable when being out and about. I feel VERY vunerable when Im low and its nearly impossible to be amongst large groups of people. When I first saw a Therapist I was about your age. I was told my depression was anxiety based. I would get very worried over things and overthink even the simplest event. Indeed right now, Im again struggling with these feelings. Im constantly worrying about others because its easier than thinking of me. i cant stand trains, buses or enclosed spaces with people in.

You are doing the right thing by talking about these feelings. Dont feel isolated. Talk to people on here about how you feel - there are always kind words of encouragement to be had. I do think talking to a proffesional helps if you can get it as long as you 'gel' with whoever you see. I found Cognative therapy a real help, but it can be tough to get reffered and there are long waiting times. Failing that, simple counciling helps too - again if you get on with the councilor.

Im happy to talk on here if you need an ear to bend.  :)

hi glen thanks for replying! i think this is the problem when seeking professional help...finding one that you gel with and feel comfortable talking about my problem too!unlike here where everbody is i a similiar situation. i have to realsie though they are professionals and are here to help :) its just daunting going to the gp for 1st time! i think maybe my depression might stem from anxiety like urs too...its sounds very similiar...how long have u been suffering for if u dont mind me asking....and have you found that anything help?x

[Glen53]

Hi Poppy. I dont mind you asking at all.

I first noticed I was struggling back in the late nineties. I had lost a few close family members and just finished school. I was soo stressed out by things but just kept ploughing on regardless - I didnt want to worry my mum as she had just lost her mother. I just bottled everything and really struggled with my A-levels. In the end i had to drop them in order to cope and this upset my parents...which upset me. I started working in a hospital to earn my own way but it was all starting to really get to me. i withdrew from everyone and started to cut my arms. I could not concentrate on anything for long and just wanted to hide away from the world. My friends really worried about me, especially one friend who is now my wife  :)

When we got together she told me I had to get help and because I cared for her so much, i did. I went to my GP and as you say - I didnt know where to start. I was as honest as i could be and ended up crying my way through. He referred me to a cognative therapist who was wonderful. She gave me some coping mechanisms to try when I was out and about and explained to me WHY I felt the way i did. i know it sounds silly, but I really did not have any idea why things hurt me so much over so little and why i suddenly felt so vunerable.

I then got diagnised with CD and Ive struggled with that for 11 years (long story which is detailed in the journal section) Basically life has got so complicated its set everything off again and im back to square one. this time around, i seem to feel worse and things seem more desperate. i know they are not as bad as they seem, but that doesnt seem to help when you feel so low does it?

What helps? Talking is best. Sounds simple, but you have to have someone to 'ground' you when your mind takes you off on one of its fantasy horrors. Its not easy though as you can drive some friends away with constant talking of low moods, especially if they dont have understanding of mental health. Its best to have someone you know to speak to every now and then, because they can see the changes in you. For the really gritty stuff a councilor is best or even CBT if you can get it. Im also told that being understanding of the illness and what your limitations are is helpful too. Dont be to hard on yourself after a bad day and take time to rest....this Im not so good at!... yet :)

I hope that this helps a little, if only to give you comfort in knowing there are other who suffer with similar and you are not alone.

Take care Poppy and keep talking  :)

[poppy3722]

Hi Poppy. I dont mind you asking at all.

I first noticed I was struggling back in the late nineties. I had lost a few close family members and just finished school. I was soo stressed out by things but just kept ploughing on regardless - I didnt want to worry my mum as she had just lost her mother. I just bottled everything and really struggled with my A-levels. In the end i had to drop them in order to cope and this upset my parents...which upset me. I started working in a hospital to earn my own way but it was all starting to really get to me. i withdrew from everyone and started to cut my arms. I could not concentrate on anything for long and just wanted to hide away from the world. My friends really worried about me, especially one friend who is now my wife  :)

When we got together she told me I had to get help and because I cared for her so much, i did. I went to my GP and as you say - I didnt know where to start. I was as honest as i could be and ended up crying my way through. He referred me to a cognative therapist who was wonderful. She gave me some coping mechanisms to try when I was out and about and explained to me WHY I felt the way i did. i know it sounds silly, but I really did not have any idea why things hurt me so much over so little and why i suddenly felt so vunerable.

I then got diagnised with CD and Ive struggled with that for 11 years (long story which is detailed in the journal section) Basically life has got so complicated its set everything off again and im back to square one. this time around, i seem to feel worse and things seem more desperate. i know they are not as bad as they seem, but that doesnt seem to help when you feel so low does it?

What helps? Talking is best. Sounds simple, but you have to have someone to 'ground' you when your mind takes you off on one of its fantasy horrors. Its not easy though as you can drive some friends away with constant talking of low moods, especially if they dont have understanding of mental health. Its best to have someone you know to speak to every now and then, because they can see the changes in you. For the really gritty stuff a councilor is best or even CBT if you can get it. Im also told that being understanding of the illness and what your limitations are is helpful too. Dont be to hard on yourself after a bad day and take time to rest....this Im not so good at!... yet :)

I hope that this helps a little, if only to give you comfort in knowing there are other who suffer with similar and you are not alone.

Take care Poppy and keep talking  :)

thanx for the insight in to your situation glen, it is nice to be able to relate to people on here. you have suffered with it for so long and im sorry to say but it worries me if it is ever possible to find a cure...i know that i should not think like this and i should be more positive but having felt like this for so long and so many others too, that have seeked help...i feel that it is one of those things that will always be there.....i really hope not!im going to go and book an appointent at my doctors today ...if i can get the energy to get out of bed....feeling poop and unmotivated today....and these last week!take care and i hope ur ok xx

[Glen53]

Never say never. Some people can beat depression  :) After my first 'fling' with the condition I had the Cognative therapy and felt quite well for years  I was still get upset over little things sometimes, but I think Im just like that tbh.

When I did feel well, I felt great - so dont despair.

Keep fighting x

[Got]

Hi,

Im sorry, I quite down at the moment and lack energy, I read through all your post, but don't have the energy to read all reponses, sorry, so I might repeat what they say.

Firstly, I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way, it not nice. Secondly, I can relate to most of what you are saying, I have been depressed on and of from about the age of 3, and when I was late teens early twenties i went through a particulularly rough patch. I was on the surface happy, but inside...no I wasnt. Like you, I was going a degree, and I felt like I was letting every one down if I would tell then that I just wasn't happy.

I would like to say, you are by no means letting anyone down. You sound like a concientious person...you talk about being having bad thoughts towards other and being irritable, yet you say that you feel guilty. You sound like a nice person to me.

You also mention you had good parents, you sister also sounded supportive. Her advice, to go to the doctors is sensible. They should listen to you sensible. Describe your symptoms. If you have to take medication, that isnt a problem really. You might start taking it, and in a months time, feel fine again. You havn't described any particular uses of sorts that may lead to depression, but maby some kind of counciling or CBT would be useful. If the doctor does offer it, I give it a go.

I think you should see the doctor, as you don't deserve to live this way, so if you can shift this depression you can enjoy things more and worry less.

Take care,

Steve

[Zaf]

Hi Poppy

Atm I'm too tired to read everything, I simply cant concentrate properly but I wish you well and I'm sure someone else here will be able to help :)