My diagnosis

[Buttercup]

It was strange, I could feel myself detaching.  He said I should read the letter with my support worker.

[captainkeefy]

Yeah I think this would be a good idea to read it with your support worker. Hope you find it constructive. The way I would see it is then you will know exactly what to work on.

Letting the healing commence!

[Catbrian]

Whenever I have had a particularly good therapy session or assessment, I leave in a state of shock. If you’ve ever been through therapy, you will know that once your time is up, you’re out the door.  I tremble uncontrollably from head to toe, as though I was freezing cold; exactly what it was like when I had a car smash. 

I think the “shock” comes from the suppressed traumatic memories, mainly from childhood.  For some reason they are still too painful and frightening to recall, even in my private moments, I avoid it at all costs, but still don't know why.  If I refer to it, I have a skill of referring to it as if it were a subject; a closed file.  I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to talk about it in therapy.  But, maybe this is why I am unable to forgive my parents.

It is true,…. Let the healing commence…. No Pain No Gain. 

[Buttercup]

That's exactly like I was. I came out, the sun was shining and I couldn't stop shaking!

I managed to talk about stuff by staring at the wall!

The odd thing is I don't feel anything towards my parents. And the bullies at school, I still feel odd if I see them.

[captainkeefy]

The first time I went to therapy I felt emotionally exhausted, I came home and feel into a light sleep but felt really anxious.

The time I told my therapist about my Dad. I couldn't make eye contact with my therapist for the rest of the session. I found it hard to speak, I really went into vulnerable child mode.

Buttercup, don't take this the wrong way but would you describe yourself as a people pleaser?

[Buttercup]

I don't take it the wrong way and yes I am a people pleaser.

I worked my way through half a box of tissues yesterday.

[captainkeefy]

Sorry to hear about using all them tissues.

The reason I ask is because I relate to a lot of what you are saying and I always feel like I have to worry about other people instead of myself

[Buttercup]

At least the tissues weren't mine !

[captainkeefy]

Haha, that's one way of looking at it.

[captainkeefy]

Know what I've been thinking about this a lot and it does make sense. I do feel exactly how it describes however I really push myself out of my shell. It really niggles at me too, but I try to ignore it until usually it gets the better of me eventually and I crumble. Then I feel inadequate and push everyone away. On this cycle however I've been doing really well and I don't think I've displayed any behaviour.

[Buttercup]

That sounds positive, just don't expect too much of yourself, recovery takes time.

Xxx

[Catbrian]

I think it does help when we understand the symptoms of PD and are able to identify how it manifests in our own life.  From my own experience in recent weeks, particularly with the rapid mood swings, I can identify them as merely a symptom of my condition and this is helping me see past the downer.  It's not taking the downer away completely but it is helping me to see that there is life beyond that mood.  I'm not sure it will be as easy when the BIG D hits, then all my defences are at an all time low, but I am thankful for small mercy's.