Hey guys I'm new here ^.^
I've decided to try and find some honest support from somewhere else, such as a forum, because I can't really turn to my family. I'm 20 and in the last couple of weeks my emotional stability has gone to pot, like a mini breakdown I guess. I work full time and am a carer for my mum around my work, and essentially fulfill the role of parent for the whole family, caring for our pets, organizing finance, peace keeper, etc. I don't want this role, but considering both my parents are irresponsible for themselves I've ended up with it.
At the age of 12, my mum had a nervous break down, was suicidal and her physical problems had gotten worse. Despite having a dad who was living with us and temporarily out of work, and fully able grandparents on both sides, the whole family had decided she was a liar (depression doesn't exist blah blah blah), which left me to help her and look after my younger brother. I was home educated at the time, although in reality I educated myself with a love for English written, read and verbal, and helped her function enough to stay out of a hospital. Me and my brother have had similar mental issues, difference is his are more extroverted, mine are internal, I'm a very secretive person when it comes to my hurt, so everyone's attitude has been to pile things on my plate instead when they can't cope. Oh she's always alright and sorts herself out, and so I'd see people around me get the help they needed whilst pretending I'm peachy.
I'm working hard to make a success of myself at work, and with my horse riding, but with anxiety issues on top of everything else, I drink vodka in the evenings and have taken things during the day to cope before, although I'm extremely conscious of driving under influence, since I ride a motorbike I'd rather suffer than touch anything till I'm home. But anyway last week this all came to a head, I was supposed to be having a day off at the weekend, my moods regularly swing within minutes/hours from happy/crying/hyper/angry apparently this never caught the attention of anyone before... I got an 'emergency' phone call from the stables from my brother, who turned out was fluffing out the truth when he said my mum was having problems with one of the horses, was in danger essentially.
So shaking, I geared up and rode off, sobbing and freaking out I managed to stall at a junction, then completely screw it up and drop the bike, and people just drove past whilst I yelled and screamed at the thing, picked it up, didn't even remember to check it wasn't damaged, and went off. The whole ride there I considered just drifting into oncoming traffic, and once in the country lanes I also considered just letting the bike plow into a corner rather than leaning through it. I almost parked up and went off somewhere to cry, which would have been the smart thing to do, but since there was an 'emergency' I was required for, I kept going.
My 'state' was pretty obvious when I got there, and finally my mum actually took the time to ask me and wait to find out that things weren't okay, I wasn't coping, and that the rest of the family would have to take some of their own responsibility back. Part of me was relieved that they were finally opening their eyes a little, but then again I still felt angry, thinking of the dozens of times I've quietly mentioned my issues with food (as far as I understand them I have an eating disorder), and other things and been treated as a faker by the same people I'd believed when other people had thought they were faking.
Ugh sorry about the length guys but hopefully things work out here ^.^ thanks for reading.
