Hi - I'm new here

[EmmaLouisa]

Hi all,

I stumbled across this forum as I was trawling the net for some help with my depression - I have only had a brief look through some topics so far but it is really helpful to hear stories from people suffering in the way I am!

Basically my problems all started about 11 years ago, when I was 16, as I got into my first serious relationship that lasted for 9 years - unfortunately though the relationship was a tremendously violent and abusive one. I loved my boyfriend to death, I'd have walked the ends of the earth for him, and as a result (added to the fact I was so young) it was easy for him to completely control me. It took me 8 years to realise that he would never change and that the violence would never go away. It took everything I had to leave that relationship - especially as I didn't WANT to leave, but knew I had to, for my own safety. Anyway that was 2 years ago that the relationship ended, and yet I've never been free from it. I have so many issues, doubts and fears from that time - and I still miss my ex even now, stupid I know.

It's not been helped by the 2 relationships I've had since - one was a very close friend of mine, who was married - bad of me, I know, but I was so vulnerable and he took full advantage of that, manipulating me every way he could (not that I could see that at the time - hindsight is a wonderful thing). I thought he loved me and we would be together properly - it felt good to feel happy after so long - but of course it was not to be, he was never intending to leave his wife. And the second relationship I had was with someone who ended up sexually assaulting me An absolutely terrifying experience, and one which I did nothing about at the time, and I regret that now.

So basically all of these bad experiences have built up in me over the years, I was so good at hiding and burying my emotions, it became a part of who I was. But recently I've had to move cities, alone and away from family&friends - and this has triggered off all my problems coming to the surface, and as a result developed really severe depression - I think I am 23 out of 25 points on that silly little questionnaire the GP makes you do. I have been on citalopram which didn't work and am now on mirtazapine, 30mg - but this too does not seem to be helping (although it has significantly improved my insomnia that accompanied by depression) and as a side effect from the meds I have gained so much weight, which is making me more depressed. Many people I know who have had depression have seen real benefits with taking anti-depressants, but they just don't seem to work for me - unless I have just not found the correct one for me - does anyone else have experience of having to try lots of different types?

I am just so down and feel so isolated&alone, I can't stand feeling the way I do. I have always been a bubbly outgoing person, but this depression has just taken that all away and I'm like a different person now - it scares me. I have problems with self-harm - have done my whole life - and am finding it really difficult to control now. I cry nearly every day and I get no joy out of anything anymore. Work is extremely difficult as I don't have the type of job where I can easily take time off sick, and it's quite a pressured job which really overwhelmes me at the moment. I am starting counselling therapy on Friday, and occy health at work are arranging for me to see a mental health specialist, but at the moment I feel like I'm never gonna feel happy again. 11 years of hurt and pain have just opened up upon me, and I don't know how to deal with those feelings or move on from the past. I am plagued by my memories.

Anyway - sorry for rambling on - I just wanted to share my experiences really and maybe get some advice from others goin through similar things. They say it's good to talk.

Thanks for listening.

[heatherm2211]

Hi Emma,

Welcome to the forum  :)

First of all I'd like to say well done to opening up about things on here, thats a good thing, and one step closer to getting better. I can really imagine how you must be feeling, I have not suffered abuse of any kind but I can imagine what it must be like, as my best friend has been through similar things.

One thing I'd like to say about the anti-depressants is that I honestly believe that just relying on the tablets isn't very helpful. I know this because luckily my GP is extremely helpful and honest. When I requested to have anti-depressants, he explained this to me. He explained that anti-depressants are more like 'a crutch' in peoples depression and anxiety etc. Giving medication to a depressed person is like giving a walking stick to a man that can't walk properly - it helps him move around but it doesn't solve the problem that he can't walk properly! He then explained that the medication can help a little bit, but only in small ways. Like once you've been on them for at least a month or so, you might start to notice that you are more able to want to get up out of bed in the morning or you might notice your mood has been slightly lifted etc.

However! Don't take this as a negative thing - anti depressants work magic if they are used with other things to support them. This is also what my Doctor suggested, he suggested I see a counsellor and also do a therapy called 'CCBT'. Not many people have heard of this, but it stands for 'Computerised Cognitive Behavioural Therapy’. Basically, you are sat at a computer going through sessions that last about an hour each, and it explains to you what is going on in your mind when you are depressed and how it affects the way you think and look at things going on around you. It also teaches you to deal with things on a day to day basis a lot better, giving you advice on sleep, eating and drinking better and exercise and many other things. It also shows you videos of real people who have all suffered from depression because of many different reasons and shows you how they have slowly but surely improved their day to day lives because of the therapy. I could explain more about it and go on and on about it, but that is basically what it does for people.

I know that is a lot to take in, but that is my honest advice for anybody who is suffering from depression and anxiety, it worked wonders for me and I know it works great for many others too.

So just to ‘summarize’ haha, with the anti-depressants to deal with the ‘chemical in balances’ in your brain, and counselling to talk through experiences and day to day life etc and the CCBT to help you deal with negative thoughts etc – it’s the best recommended combination to fight off Depression.

Depending on where people live on this forum, I’m not sure what CCBT services are available, but if you look into it, I promise it is worth it!

Hopefully this has helped you in a way, and has hopefully given you some insight on the fact that things CAN get better if it is dealt with thoroughly :)

I hope you take care, and remember that we are all here for you on this forum if you need any help or support :)
Lots of love to you Emma x