Hi everyone. Looking for help/advice.

[carlos216]

Hi Cat, The last few days since we last spoke have been very up and down in more than one way. We had another barney the other day after I brought up the subject of Christmas and what was happening with presents and me getting to see my daughter. The present side of things was fine, my wife said I could chip in for the presents that she had already bought and they would be from mummy and daddy. When I asked about getting to see my daughter she said I could be there for her opening her presents but that she didnt want to spend Christmas day with me so essentially saying to me that after the present opening I had to go. The thing that really peed me off was the fact that her parents are staying over Christmas and will get to spend more time with my daughter during this special time than me. She also said some very hurtful things which made me question our progress so far. As it turns out she did apologise a few days later for being 'short' with me as the female soldier who was killed in Afghanistan recently was a colleague/friend of hers and she wasnt feeling too good when we spoke. As much as I understand her feelings about the loss of a friend I was/am still rather upset with what she said to me. Maybe I am being selfish but I was at a point where I was starting to feel good about myself, no dark moods, clear thoughts etc then she blew it out of the water with her comments. My mind is such a mess at the minute, she gives mixed signals as to her intentions and what she is feeling and I inevitably think/see the worst in everything which sends me spiralling into my self diagnosed depression. It has even started to affect my work now to such a point I cannot think clearly on a job (I am a Locksmith) and am making simple mistakes and for the first time ever today was unable to complete a job and had to walk away. If I hadnt walked away I would have ended up doing something silly to the customer, whether verbal or otherwise. I am hanging on by a thread regarding my actions at the min and the smallest thing can set me off but so far, touch wood, I have been able to control it. Sorry for going on but writing about these things helps me focus and understand what is happening to me.

[Buttercup]

Hi Carlos

I've only just read this post, sorry.

I think that the way you've handled everything is admirable, this is very hard for you. Christmas is always going to be a tricky one but for this time & generally I think it's important to remember that she's your daughter too and presumably there is no reason why you can't take her out alone on a special treat. Maybe this would help you in some small way and give you some quality time with her.

Xxx

[Catbrian]

Awright Carlos.... I hope everything's ok

I can imagine Christmas day seems a very bleak prospect, it is for many people on this Forum, including myself. 

Are you able to take your daughter out for a few hours every week?

I hope you're managing to work things out.

[Sweetpea]

I do feel for you. Christmas is a very difficult time when we have split from our partners. My ex husband and I split when the children were younger and I always made sure that he could have the boys an equal time as me at Christmas. Maybe you could suggest that you have your daughter for a few hours. She is your daughter and she needs to see her daddy too. I do hope you can work something out. S x x x x

Sent from my BlackBerry 9300 using Tapatalk

[bookletters]

You sound like such a good person Shaz!
It's lovely to hear you let ex hubby have kids for Xmas xx

[Catbrian]

I take my hat off to you, Shaz.  Too often we hear of ex husbands coming off the worst by losing contact with their children.

Carlos, I hope you're doing ok

[Jon]

Hello Carlos.
I'm new to this site. I just joined today. Your story echoes my own experience of breaking up with my wife 14 years ago. In that instance I had custody of my son who was then eight. But communications between myself and my wife were fraught to say the least and almost certainly contributed to me slipping into depression.
After three weeks of separation, feelings will be raw on both sides. You may both be feeling a mix of anger and grief. It's possible than neither you nor your wife know 100% how you feel about breaking up or staying together. That will take time. I know how frustrating it is when you're the one in the relationship that wants to mend and the other person doesn't seem to make any useful suggestions.
As catb says, "Biting your lip is difficult, especially when there's heightened emotions."
What worked for me during my marriage break-up was that I quickly managed to separate emotional issues from practical issues. i.e. Any discussion that involved our child, I learned that it helped to write everything down beforehand, almost like bullet points. I then put my points across with as little emotion as possible. It meant that we were eventually able to discuss issues of childcare etc. without descending into a heated discussion about why the marriage hadn't worked. In other words we kept our relationship and the three-way relationship between ourselves and our son as separate as we possibly could.
I really feel for you, man. As I'm sure you've already realised, this is a site where people care. We're all helping each other out and we're getting to know that it's positive and healthy to discuss this difficult stuff with strangers who are going through hard times of their own. I wish you all good things. Cheers, Jon