i have not posted on here for a while. i am here because I am having a really bad day and I have no one to talk to about it. I have been on 75mg of Venlafaxine for 4 months and last month was put up to 150mg. I am feeling pretty calm most of the time which is an improvement, but the 150mg is making my body feel numb. It is also making me feel like i have drunk a million cups of coffee but i am still tired. I have told my doc this and he says i need to be on the tabs for a min of 2 years. I know the alternative is far worse and i should just live with it.
I am working on low-self esteem in weekly CBT sessions and I am making no progress. I have managed to establish that I beleive nothing i ever do is good enough and I think I am an unacceptable/unloveable/unattractive person. I already knew these things, now I know them even better, but I have no idea how to go about changing my beliefs to fix them.
Most of the time i am costing along killing time, trying to ignore all of this whilst trying to find an job and get a regular sleeping pattern and attend voluntary work. I have an interview for a part time job on Mon and instead of being pleased with my self for having got this far I am crying because I do not want to go. I know that it will not be awful and it is not the end of the world if it does not go well. I am more worried about what will happen if i do get the job, because it will be yet one more thing to get worked up about that I have to force myself to do.
Nothing is getting any easier. When I look back my life is a series of things I did not want to do and the future is the same. I am lonely and tired of pushing myself. I know that when the interview is over I will feel better, but then something else will happen that will make me feel this bad again. Even with the tablets I am not able to deal with things. I do not want to be like this forever, but nothing works. The more episodes of depression I get the harder it is to pick myself up again. It has been 18 months this time round with maybe 6 months of recovery in between. It is getting to the point were taking my life seems like a reasonable solution to an impossible problem.
No one I know understands how I feel, or why I have not got over this yet. I am tired of people telling me to calm down, or be reasonable or think about things logically. I see things very logically. I know what led to my beliefs. I know that in reality most things are not as bad as I imagine them to be. I know that I am overreacting and i talk to myself endlessly, reminding myself that things are not going to be as bad as I fear. Why then am I so upset? Why is everything such a struggle? Why can't I just let go and get on with my life? I don't know how many more times I can keep doing this.