Exclusive: 'I worried my flatmates would hear me get sick during my lockdown ...

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Exclusive: 'I worried my flatmates would hear me get sick during my lockdown bulimia hell'

Bulimic James Downs opens up about what felt like a 'very hopeless and helpless time' as lockdown ground his progress to a halt and saw him unable to ask for help

By Claire O'Boyle

10:22, 8 Oct 2021Updated21:53, 8 Oct 2021

James Downs had fought debilitating eating disorders since he was a teen but felt stronger than ever at the start of 2020, until lockdown hit.  He had finished his studies in psychology and was a successful yoga instructor. He was determined to beat his illness for good and prepared for sessions with a top private therapist.  But then, as the country went into lockdown, 10 years of work he had put into his recovery, since attempting suicide aged 20, began to unravel.  Bulimic James, 32, says: “I’m not saying I was completely well at the start of 2020. I’d developed bulimia over the years, and I still had it then. I still have it now.  But at the start of 2020 things seemed to be getting better and better for me. I’d had a consultation with a specialist and figured out I had just about enough money per week to afford the sessions and I was maintaining my weight.”

But before James’s sessions could begin, Britain went into lockdown.  And his progress ground to a halt. Especially as he was hesitant to visit his doctors when people were trying to deal with the horrors of coronavirus.  “It was strange because at the beginning I felt oddly prepared,” he recalls. “I’d spent long periods of my life in lockdown before when I was in treatment or when I was so unwell I couldn’t leave the house for months. My first thought at the start of it was how I’d be able to help other people, and how my ways of coping could help everyone else deal with what was happening.”

However it didn’t take long for the lockdown to take its toll.  “I suppose I was like everyone back then,” says James, who grew up in Cardiff but now lives in Cambridge. “All the stuff happening with coronavirus seemed so terrible it felt that nothing could be as bad as what other people were going through. It was almost like you were gaslighting yourself into not asking for help. But I quickly started slipping.”

James was not alone in struggling with his eating disorders. Demand for the helpline run by specialist charity Beat soared by more than 300% at the height of the pandemic, and the number of under-18s asking for help rose by 215%. The charity delivered 100,000 support sessions just in the past year.   Beat’s Director of External Affairs Tom Quinn said: “It is not surprising, as those affected have had to cope with extreme changes to daily routines, support networks and care plans, all while also dealing with the additional stress the pandemic has brought.”

Living in a shared house with four other people when the lockdown was announced, James knows firsthand what Tom means.  "I found it impossible to use the kitchen,” says James, who was also facing financial pressures as his yoga classes were forced online. “Because of my illness I would never use it in front of anyone else because of these feelings of shame and embarrassment that come with an eating disorder. I would feel under a lot of pressure about the food I was preparing, and worried I’d be judged.  Normally we’d rarely be in the house at the same time. But when lockdown started there was always someone there.  The house only had one bathroom as well. I’m sick a lot because of my bulimia and because my stomach has suffered a lot of damage over the years.  With everyone in the house at the same time my anxiety went through the roof because I was so worried about other people being in the bathroom if I needed it or hearing me if I was in there.”

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Adjusting to life in lockdown posed more challenges for James, whose methods of coping with his condition came increasingly under pressure.  With restaurants and cafes closed, he could no longer eat in public something he’d come to rely on as a “safe space”. Even the careful way he bought his food to safeguard against bingeing and purging episodes was no longer possible.  Eating with friends or out in a cafe had become a safe space for me,” says James. “For such a long time I could never do that, but I really worked on it during recovery and learning to eat with other people around was a massive part of getting better. Eating on my own I’m more vulnerable to difficult thinking while eating with other people removes the secrecy and the shame, but in the lockdown with everywhere closed and feeling anxious about using the kitchen, I ended up eating alone in my room. That was huge, and it really put me back.”

James recalls vividly the day he was asked by the people at his local shop to limit his visits after they’d seen him coming in once or sometimes twice a day.

“Because of my bulimia I’d learned that it was best for me to go to the shop every day to get little bits of food,” he says. “I can’t do the big weekly shop because if I have a bad episode then it’s all gone in one evening. Back then we were all scared and told you could only go out for essential things. I remember going to the local shop, every day, maybe sometimes twice, but at one point they told me I shouldn’t be coming, that I should be coming as infrequently as possible. I was like, ‘I can’t do that, I have an eating disorder’. I felt very exposed, and all those anxieties together were very difficult.”

With pressures piling up James says suicidal thoughts came into his mind at different points last year.  “It was very difficult,” he says. “I didn’t get to the point where I felt like I might take my own life like I had all those years ago, when it was a call to the Samaritans that saved me, but it’s a very distressing thing to experience. I felt very low in the run-up to Christmas when we were put back into lockdown. It felt like a very hopeless, helpless time.”

However, says James, things are looking increasingly positive for him, and with the right support he’s making progress.  He moved into a place of his own at the start of 2021, and is working to regain some of the ground he lost when the pandemic hit.  “I’m not entirely back to where I was, but I’m definitely making progress,” he says. “All those things I’d worked towards were pushed back massively, but slowly I’m getting there. It was 10 years of really trying, and I’m not saying it’ll take 10 years to get it back, but it will take a little while.  I know a lot more now than I did about what will help, so I know where I’m going and how to get there. I’m working with the Samaritans to try and help other people too because I know what a scary time it can be, and I hope that over time things will carry on getting better.”

How to get help: If you are struggling or you are worried about a loved one, contact Samaritans on 116123. For more advice visit nhs.uk/mental-health or www.mind.org.uk/information-support/coronavirus