So the past week or so has been horrific, I am covered in bruises from my nightmares, I have missed appointments with nurses as I cannot stand the thought of removing any part of my clothing in front of someone else Hell I struggle on my own never mind with anyone else..to think about having someone else touch me makes me sick to my stomach. I lost control of my eating issue last week and it scared me a bit I have plucked up a tiny bit of courage to go to my doctor on Monday and tell him I need help with that I just have to keep that and force myself to go. Anyway last night I was laid awake just thinking about how my life has changed and how I have changed, it made me cry..I miss my old life and I miss me I really miss me! I used to go running, swimming and boxing, I used to be the life and soul of the party, if anyone was sad or sick I always had them smiling within a few minutes, I used to be so confident and happy with who I was...compared to now..I cant wash in my favourite stuff it gives me flashbacks, I cant wear my hair down it makes me feel vulnerable, I cant eat out as the thought of having to keep food down sends me into a panic, I cant enjoy a drink with my friends as I cant stop myself drinking too much and getting ridiculous thoughts in my head ( last time I got so drunk I attempted to throw myself off a high rise building) I thought about all of this as I sobbed myself to sleep, then this morning I woke up with bruises as per, but I had a flash of anger and that seemed to fuel a little determination! I decided I was going for a run, I only managed 1.5 miles half walking half running but oh my goodness it felt amazing! I am so proud of myself :) I then came home and ate some porridge which I am determined to keep down. It is nice to have these few moments where I see a glimpse of the old me, I am slowly accepting that nothing is ever going to be the same again and I have changed...but stealing these small triumphs are so worth smiling about :) I am now going to go get a shower and enjoy my good mood whilst it lasts!