paranoia or lie's...... ????

[hazleeyes]

I don't know if I'm going mad or being lied too!!! I need to vent/rant/scream........

My story -

I'm 38 and been married for two years but been with my husband for over 8 years with two children.  Last Christmas I found a card in my husbands work bag! it was one of those 'to my boyfriend' cards, it was from a woman called Michaela, in it she wrote that she knew they couldn't be together over Christmas and that she love him etc... when I confronted him about it he said it was a joke from a work friend, it was nothing and to stop being paranoid!!! well what with my depression and very low self esteem I became very paranoid he was having an affair!! over the year I have found all sorts of stuff the he 'cant explain' - condom in his wallet!! a restaurant table booking reference for a night he told me he had to work late!! text messages to a woman called Samantha signed off with xxxx  all of these things he cant explain or tells me I'm paranoid and is reading into something that's not happening.  He makes me feel so bad, low and disgusted with myself for accusing him all the time.

He's started to work from home a lot more recently only going into the office once or twice a week, he doesn't go out in the evening and spends most weekends either at football with his son's or with me, so I know it would be very difficult for him to be seeing someone now but I still find myself accusing him and it's this paranoia that is tipping me over the edge!!

He keeps his mobile on silent and hidden away in his pocket, I think that he is txting someone every time he walks out the room (why does he need to take his phone with him when he goes to the bathroom or out into the kitchen to make a cuppa??) and he has changed the password lock!! when I walk into a room he's on his phone txting then suddenly stops, two minutes later he makes an excuse to go to the bathroom (this happens a lot!)

I need help!! is he having an affair and hiding it by saying it's me being paranoid or am I making myself sick with paranoia and he's completely Innocent ??? it's all I can think about, If I'm not accusing him, I'm crying or sniping at him with hurtful comments.

He says I've become nasty towards him but I cant help it, I have it in my head that I want to hurt him like he's hurt me (that's not normal is it??) I fantasise about breaking his heart, making him suffer so he knows how it makes my feel everyday!.

Then on the other side I can understand why he would have an affair, I must be hell to live with! I'm a bit overweight, and don't class myself as attractive (thou do try and make an effort with my appearance) Why wouldn't he want some young attractive woman who's nothing but nice to him!!!.   

I have suffered from depression and low self esteem for many years but this paranoia is getting out of control, I need help and don't know where to go. I take medication for the depression but what can I do about paranoia that's in my head!!? I cant eat or sleep, I snap at him and the kids all the time, I look at myself sometimes and see what a horrible person I'm turning into!

I love this man, I couldn't cope if he left me and I'm scared to death that's what he'll do if I don't get help (even thou he's told me he would never leave me I cant make myself believe him) my heart tells me I love him but my head tells me he's a lair a cheater and it's him that's telling me I'm paranoid to cover up all his Lie's!!! 

What can I do and who can help me ....... I want to see a marriage counsellor but he wont saying he's not speaking to anyone about our personal life!!

I cant live like this any more ...................

[Pip]

Depression won't help how you're feeling but I don't think you're being paranoid.  If the card was a joke he would have been honest about it.  The same with the condom and restaurant booking reference your husband's behaviour isn't good.  As for the text messages if your husband didn't know who they were from he would have text back asking the person to stop it and deleted the messages.  It's little wonder that you're feeling the way you do.  It is possible for him to be having affairs or flings with other women.  If I was in your position I would make an appointment with Relate, for example, even if it means going on your own.  If your marriage means anything to him he will need to start talking and stop behaving suspiciously such as having his phone on silent and taking taking it everywhere he goes

[FluffySeal]

I don't think you are being paranoid at all.

This is similar to what my mum is going through. We have had suspicions of my dad for a long while and from looking at his phone whilst he was asleep from being drunk; I found evidence that he has been texting this female drinking buddy; some texts were a bit rude and obvious with lots of x's; most of the time its 3 x's.
Long story but yeah; I think that card is definitely NOT a joke because there are so many other suspicious things to go with it.

He will try and make you feel like the bad person just because he is trying to cover himself. It is not fair at all and don't fall for it. It  is also not your fault; some men are just un capable of being faithful; the woman my dad is seeing is dog ugly and nasty in general; my mum is a much nicer person and looks better but unfortunately he sees something in this woman which did knock my mums confidence at first.
She went to a doctor because she was mildly depressed over it; and she was referred to MIND. She had 3 sessions altogether and signed off because she felt so much better as she learned to accept she was being cheated on (plus with the help of me seeing those texts she knew she wasnt paranoid anymore).
He still doesnt know that we know and she wants to catch him out.

The phone thing you mentioned; my dad does that all the time. He will be sitting at the table texting and my mum will walk into the room. His phone suddenly drops into his housecoat pocket no where to be seen. when she goes into the kitchen, he has his phone under the tablet and texts secretly. He also disappears to the bathroom or up to bed early but has the light on for an hour before he sleeps.
He says he goes to his mums house but my mum tracks his travel card and it matches with the womans card (can track oyster cards online. they were both my mums; my dad gave the woman  a card for free and my mum registered both their cards)
He will say he is at work but leaves like 3 hours before he needs to as he sneaks off then goes straight to work from her house.

My mum had very bad anger at first; she wanted to kill him; like actually wanted to psychically harm him. Her anger would explode and she would shout at him and swear while he just sat there and said nothing. He denies the times she has brought the topic up so now she is waiting for evidence. The hurtful comments is also something she did/still does. Its natural; you shouldn't feel bad about it; one minute you will think he is innocent and then a second later your mind will change when you think about the evidence stuff you have.


I really think you should go to a marriage counselor or talk to a place like MIND or something; it really helped my mum with how to control her thinking; she said she felt better talking to someone outside the family about it.
I am very sorry about your situation; you can never be 100% sure until you have proper evidence ; but dont let him make you feel rubbish because you have every right to be suspicious even if it isnt concrete evidence!