Hello,
I'm not sure what I'm doing this for, I guess as an outlet. My name is Jo (male) and I suffer from serious depression and anxiety. I am at the beginning of a masters in Music Technology and I live with my girlfriend in Kent. I have suffered from mental health problems from the age of about 16; it runs in the family.
I find myself unable to separate what I would consider an inherent disposition to feel depressed or anxious with feelings brought upon by circumstances that would typically bring about such mental states. I have come to realise that my condition is an almost chemical imbalance, therefore talking to a counsellor or therapist has been of limited help although I will continue to try them. I decided about 2 years ago to go down the route of medication (Citalopram). I am now in the final stages of coming of it. I can't say I am happier than I was, the only change is that I have a completely non existent sex drive and I get the shakes when I haven't had a tablet for more than a few days, i wouldn't recommend it.
I have never before made plans to end my life, I'm not always sad and i have people who love me so it has never really seemed like a desirable option. Recently however I have begun to worry about my future. If I am never going to be helped by therapy or medication then I cannot help but wonder what my future holds for me. My depressive states are intense and lead to self destructive behaviour which leads me to further depression and round and round it goes. My self confidence has never been lower and I am vulnerable to failure.
If anyone would like to offer any words of guidance or even just acknowledge this post then I would appreciate it. Thank you for reading, it turned into quite the essay.
