new member

[KK38]

Hi. new to forum.
Recently diagnosed with moderate/severe anxiety and depression.
Doc said to consider meds but in meantime I have an appt with counsellor but not until 10th December.  I kinda feel like I am in no mans land.  I'm writing down how I feel in an attempt to "vent" emotions so I don't have to burden my hubbie cos I must be very, very difficult live with right now.
Not quite sure what to do....

[Pip]

Welcome and yes I understand what you mean.  I have suffered with severe depression for many years which includes dealing with anxiety when I'm at my worst.  My husband has suffered with depression for many years which I knew about but we were married 12 years before he found out.  It's complicated why I suffer with depression and I had hidden it up until that point.  It does help to share with other people who can empathize from their own experience.

[stewart]

Hi KK, welcome to the forums, writing things down is a good idea, it can let you see how you are going in comparrisson to a week or more ago, its akso something to show councilor or doc.

[alys511]

Good to see people on here.  Really crucial for me.  Have depression and OCD.  A lot of OCD really.  Some of it OK, and rest of it bad.  Need to share it with people and share other people's feelings too.  I've gone so many years without support.  It's got to be the worst thing really.  You've got to share things and have the confidence to be open about it in all areas of life.  There is so little understanding.
Alys.

[KK38]

Thanks for the warm welcome.
Just feeling a bit lost just now really.
Had a difficult weekend. Hubbie trying to be supportive and keep me stimulated. When all I want to do is curl up in a ball and be left alone.
Sunday was tough. My mum visited whilst I was in a major low mood.  She didn't hear me saying hello upon her arrival.  We were about to go out and I was quite stressed.  She left abruptly.

We poppped in  to hers on way out - she lives a few doors down the street.  She ripped into me about how I was - tried to explain I was having a particulalry bad day.  She wasn't interested and threw me out!!!!

Queue panic attack in front of my hubbie and daughter plus rage at her lack of support.  Its has really set me back.  Now off work sick and we aren't speaking.  All just a big mess and I am very hurt.

First time in my life I have needed her support and she has kicked me when I am down. Sad.

[Pip]

I can never understand why a parent can be so cruel particularly as your daughter was there.  This is coming from someone who had a mother who was verbally and emotionally abusive towards me.  It was kept 'behind closed doors' although she let her guard down at times and would let the occasional hurtful remark come out.  My way of coping was to stop contact for almost three years and it was my husband who encouraged me to contact my parents again.  His dad had died when he was 14 and his mum in 1999 so he was concerned my parents would die without us trying to have a relationship.  Contact was by letter mainly with the occasional phone call.  The relationship was strained but we made an effort.  Mind you I didn't talk to my sister for 12 years due to an argument which is partly why I stopped contact with my parents.  It took my mum dying for us two to start talking.  However my relationship with my dad has improved.

[alys511]

Lovely to hear from people.  I could say a lot of things about my mother.  She blows hot and cold, for a start.  And she makes me feel really vulnerable.  This is extremely hard to cope with.  It makes me feel bad about myself.  We need our mums.
Alys.

[stewart]

Hi alys, it is indeed a bad situation when ones parents are not understanding of the difficulties depression can cause, and realise that their actions are just adding to your dificulties.

[RedAlex76]

Hi Alys

I agree there can't be many thing harder than have to deal with something that is so all encompassing in your life when a parent doesn't support you through it! Unfortunately depression is one of those things that many generations swept under the carpet and kept it like a dirty little secret that nobody should ever talk about or know about! I think that unfortunately your mother falls into this category but for her to be so hard to you on top it all can only be unbearable! I personally am lucky in one way my mother truly understands how depression can take over a persons life as she has suffered from depression herself all my life!

But where there are people who don't know how to handle or cope with people who suffer from depression there are many other like the members of this forum who will also take the time to listen to whatever you have to say and will always give an listening ear, an answer based on their own experiences and their time to help you in anyway you could need! Just remember it will only do you more good to let things out rather than bury them deep down!

Now if only I could take my own advice .......

[alys511]

Hi Stewart, RedAlex, or anyone else.
A big thanks.  A relief to get some support at last.  So, when I feel so enclosed and lonely, (which is almost all the time), I can focus hard and know that other people are willing to share and listen - people who know what it's like. 
I've always been so scared of my mother.  I have to almost be someone else when I'm with her, so that I say the right things etc. 
Does anyone ever get seriously suicidal? 
Alys.

[RedAlex76]

Hi Alys

I have to admit no matter how low I have felt and there have been times like most of us on the forum where you don't see how you could feel any lower, I have truly never felt suicidal at all!

Maybe I am so accustomed to feeling low and feeling alone (I've never really had a great deal of friends, the last couple of years of school I would sit on my own in class during breaks and lunchtimes!) but ending my life has never crossed this muddled mind of mine!

I have a few people that I know who suffer from depression or something else one is bi-polar who have attempted suicide on a number of a occasions so I have some experience of talking to them before and after such attempts but it is still hard to truly know what to say to them. You can only try to show then there are positives in life where they may not be able to see them personally.

Personally I have always been someone who has said that if you need an ear to bend or someone to unload things on to at anytime then I am here. Please feel free to leave me personal messages or put things on the message boards and I will always take the time to answer them!

Glad that you know that we are here for you!

[Pip]

Yes, I've been there were I've been suicidal and it's come round in cycles of when I'm at my lowest.  I haven't been scared of my mum but we didn't have a great relationship either, she died over two years ago.  When we were together I would behave one way that was expected of me and when we weren't I could be myself.