Hi there, I'm a 25-year old Software/web developer and I've booked an appointment to talk to my GP about this stuff, but it appears to be busy this time of year and I can't get an appointment until the 22nd, heh.
Anyway, I'm not entirely sure, but I'm pretty sure I've been suffering from depression for years now. I remember at around the age of 17 or so a group came to my school to speak about depression and help. They mentioned all these warning signs to look out for and I pretty much ticked off every single symptom, felt like I was playing social outcast Bingo!
I've always been a kinda quiet, reserved person though and never wanted to draw attention to myself. I used to seriously consider suicide a lot, but with my closest cousin dying of cancer and my uncle hanging himself in a barn, I got to realize that dying has a pretty big impact on your family, and even on people who you generally wouldn't think it would. I pretty much stay alive now because I know that if i didn't it would hurt others.
The thought still crosses my mind from time to time. Some days are worse than others but I always manage to feel bad enough for everyone else to never act on it, heh. Often when I'm waiting for the train to arrive I wonder if it would be painful to jump onto the tracks just before it shows up. Then i think about having other people witness my death and the impact it'd have on them- random people getting trauma from watching my death, the poor guy who'd have to clean up the mess afterwards, my unemployed Fiancee who'd have to move back in with her parents afterwards, grieving family etc etc.
Really how it feels right now is... I'm looking forward to it being over, but I'm not planning to speed up the process, heh. If some morning I just didn't wake up, that'd be fine with me. I can't remember when I started feeling this way, but it's been years, maybe even half of my life!
Anyway, I can't really talk to family about it since they'd either tell me to man up or worry themselves to death- either of which I'm not really looking forward to, so I've kept it quiet for all this time. I've gotten really good at pretending to be happy so people won't worry about me and always act cheery and crack jokes and such at family meetings.
Looking forward to seeing the doctor anyway. If i have a formal diagnosis then maybe I'll be able to talk about it more openly. If it's something that can be fixed, then awesome. I've gotten so used to feeling and thinking this way that I think any change would be awesome. If there was some pills or therapy that will make me feel like I'm not just going to grind away my life for 40 more years then wait to die of old age, then I'd be all for it.
Worst case scenario, the doctor will tell me to piss off and I'll go back to living the way I always have.
