You know when you think things are going a little too well?? hmmmmm
Briefly, I've been signed off of work with anxiety and severe depression, for approximately ten months of the past fifteen ( two periods of sickness ) all of this is work related. Was given Sertraline at first which I eventually got up to the max 150mg dose, which I hated as, it had so many physical side effects, now on Citalopram 20mg, much better but may need a stronger dose as not coping well at the moment.
Finally I thought that there was some light at the end of the tunnel, when Occupational Health, mentioned that I should be medically redeployed, we all had a case conference meeting, my social worker from the Community Mental Health Team was there, HR, my union rep and Occ Health also my line manager. The upshot of the meeting was that Occ Health said I could not return back to my old job, but fell short of agreeing Medical Redeployment.
Feeling a bit in limbo, I chased this up, as I want to return to work; and now it seems like the person I was seeing at Occ Health has been overidden by her manager and I do not qualify for redeployment on medical grounds, despite my GP and Mental Health Social Worker both saying that if I were to return to my original job with the same environment that my mental health would suffer and my condition would worsen.
I have a meeting with work in early Sept, to 'try and resolve the matter and get me back to work', All I want to do is be moved to a job elsewhere, I work for a local authority, so the are plenty of other places for me to go to. I know I will have tp apply for any new job and all the other work related risks that being a redeployee has, but its a gamble I'm willing to take. Ive tried to move many times before by applying for other jobs but to no avail, as I recognise that my current job isn't for me.
As Occ Health, HR and management now seem intent on me not moving from my job, I'm in a state of massive anxiety. After the phone call i had from work a few days ago asking me to another meeting and saying I'm not being redeployed, I had a huge panic attack, luckily my wife was there to help me, (although I felt terrible and guilty for letting her witness it as she's 7 months pregnant and doesn't need any extra stress ), I've done nothing but cry all day today and feel full of nervous tension/borderline panic.
I also feel very angry toward my employer as they have made me feel so bad that I have considered suicide many times rather than go into work, I did attempt suicide in my early 20's and I'm 42 now, but since then I've managed my depression well enough to live relatively normally up until the last 18 months.
I have a fairly good job with my employer and am reluctant to leave as I probably would not find another one as well paid with my qualifications I have. During my first period of sickness I had a course of about 15 or so CBT sessions, which built me back up and set me up for returning to work, but after a couple of months I was back to having suicidal thoughts so that good work that CBT did seems all for naught.
I don't know what to do ( although I'm writing this in a panic frame of mind and should try and rationalise the situation ) but I can't help feeling its the end of he world and I would be better off dead. I guess i'm really writing this because its 5:07 am and I've not slept yet through worrying, and i need to focus my mind on something, rather than just toss and turn in bed, or I feel like just running around the house like a headless chicken, shouting like a madman.
The annoying thing is everything else in my life is pretty good, happy marriage, wonderful supportive wife, lovely children etc etc, its just my work situation is causing me despair and in turn upsetting my family.
Anyway if you've made it to the end of this post, thanks for saying with me I'm off to make a cuppa and my wife will be up in an hour and I've got to drive her to work, and also luckily for me the builder is coming round today so no chance of me catching up on any sleep.
Hope you all have a good day and may each day get better Han the previous one.
