Pent up frustration

[craig84]

have to admit I don't like it here but I don't have much choice in the matter, its not as bad as some places ive lived but ive noticed a massive change in the past 5 years here... a lot more homes being built and schools having to expand due to demand. more crime and graffiti, more polish.... i did work in Dagenham a while ago in a few places but mainly the dagenham dock are.

id settle for a small village somewhere, a bit of peace wouldn't go a miss :)

[FluffySeal]

@Pip

I just looked up that area; it seems better than central Grays; I think around chafford hundred the area is okay; nice to have an indoor shopping centre that is actually open past 5. Grays is murder to walk through on a friday when all the cheap markets are out.
I heard wickford and leigh on sea are nice places... but they are moving further and further away from London. I sort of want to be near London but it costs an insane amount the nearer to London you get.

I think I'll just have to make do if I get put anywhere though; as when I compare it to where i am staying at my parents house at the moment (had a bit of a break down and felt like coming home), its not as bad. I mean only the other month a young guy was murdered 5 minutes from our house; the crime rate here is ridiculously high.
When I see how many bad things happen in life every day that also brings my mood down.. people are so nasty to each other in general its not really a nice world to live in.. i should refrain from ever watching the news or newspapers.

@Craig
lol no worries hope you are feeling better :)
I have actually started my diet today. i've never been one to investigate how many calories things have and this is the first time i've ever recorded it. I've managed approx 1,450. I mean its not great but at least its over half of a womans daily intake :') just got to keep it up. If you want to pile on pounds quick; then look at the burger king double bacon cheeseburger XL. I cant believe that thing packs an enormous 900 something calories! It really is a tough battle trying to eat the right food and pile on calories; i mean the doctor said just eat a lot of fat but I have done that with takeaways before and its ended up passing right through me. I never knew how fatty cheddar cheese was until today either 

[craig84]

lol thanks, went a bit too far with it yesterday... used to binge a lot when younger I still do it sometimes... hate myself for doing it but when things get too much I always trip up like that..

glad you started your diet I hope it works out for you. how are you finding it?
I've never really dieted and im not sure what the doctor will suggest for me when I go tomorrow. think its just the way im meant to be. skinny. I hate it !

im clueless when it comes to nutrition ......... I did buy a dummies guide to nutrition but I haven't even started reading it yet. just haven't been in the right frame of mind I guess. seems like I haven't been in the rright frame of mind for some time now.

mmmmmmmmmm burger king lol I was sittin here craving something to eat and couldn't put my finger on what and you saying that..... im dribbling lol

 

[FluffySeal]

I can understand why you do it, its like you can be in a happy place but only temporarily. Though for some people drinking makes them more aggressive; just depends on the person and the alcohol type. I have seen some people get more depressed after a couple of drinks.
I have wondered to myself if drinking or smoking would make me feel better sometimes mood wise but those are two things i strongly am against so i could never allow myself to do them even when i am at my lowest of lows..

Ive only done one day, still recovering from being ill but am feeling a lot more energy than i had in the past week. Its annoying having to weigh some things in order to work out how many calories there are in each thing and writing it down takes some time but it feels good seeing it on paper at the end of the day what you can achieve. I will probably get sick to death of writing everything down soon, i have the tendancy to give up and drop things, i hope i dont just give up with this diet so quickly as i do with everything else.

My doctors advise was minimal, i had to find out the types of things to eat myself; a dietician would be good to go to, if yours offers; mine never gave me the opportunity for one.

Hmm i have books to read, romance ones haha. I asked my mum to buy me some for my birthday the other months, in an attempt to escape reality for a while to try distract me from my feelings. I always put off reading them, never find the motivation. Ive only picked up one once and managed to do 300 pages in one sitting, took my mind off things for a while and i felt content as the story is nice and light. I have no idea how to get motivated to read ...

Gosh im craving a burger myself, because its 4am and i know no shops are open so it makes me want one even more ;(

[craig84]

its like all happiness is very short lived for me, or periods of prolonged happiness seem to have a massive payoff after of being severely depressed and low... at my sisters party on the weekend I was extremely open about being depressed and everyones responses to that was "it'll work out in the end" "your a nice guy" "be more optimistic" ..... just felt patronising tbh.... I know they were just trying to support me though. im not an aggressive person in the slightest and I don't get like I was that much anymore, I try to avoid it... because im an idiot when drunk. need to find another outlet when things get that bad.

I'm glad your recovering and have more energy now :) makes things slightly easier!
hope you can keep it up, I can be the same when it comes to giving up and dropping things, mainly cos I don't feel worth the effort and hard work... im not sure where I get this feeling of entitlement to be so pessimistic about my getting better. I'm sure it helps seeing the achievements, probably gives you a goal to beat it the next day which will help you keep it up, its like your lil mission for now. hope it works out for you!!

my sister reads nothing but romance novels I think she has read over 500 books ... all romance, I duno how she does it lol most of what I read are self help books and psychology based, I want to read Stephen fry's autobiography too he interests me quite a lot, probably because of his bipolar. ive read bear grylls autobiography too but im not reading anything at the moment. sometimes I buy books with the incentive to read them and never do. cant say never really I still have time :)

 

[FluffySeal]

I get that too, I can never stay happy for long; its like a miracle if i'm happy for 2 days in a row. I can start off a day OK but then by the end of it; sometimes just my own ways of thinking can drive me into feeling miserable; without anything really bad having to happen on that day..

Yes thats all people say, I mean barely anyone knows about me; not that I know many people any way; but its always the same like 'hope you get better soon',  'it will pass', 'its just a phase'. None of it really helps; I mean the first one makes me feel as if I am sick and I feel insulted.. actually  now I remember; the first time i was diagnosed was with this same doctor I had the other day and he said that I am sick and when I spoke about some of my food intolerance's he said that we will deal with them later when 'i'm better'
I was insulted at the time, and still am now when I think of it; as if he thinks im making stuff up about being intolerant to some foods, he said something about people imaging things when they are depressed.

I find that I get insulted no matter what people say; I find people that dont suffer from this just tend to pick the wrong words to use against me. However I do take each word literally in a sentence.

I'm so pessimistic about myself and everything in the world in general; been like it all my life as far as i've known. I want to get better in my mind and my bodys health but at the same time I havn't known my life or myself without these problems.. if that makes sense.

I think it may be because I have only ever had a few dreams in life but none have really been achieved. My dream has always been to go to America since I was 5. I was lead on by my Dad that we would go there as a family but years passed and it was always UK holidays that didnt end well. I've only ever been out of the country once and that was to Tenerife.. yawn. That dream of going to America used to help me plod along in life but right now it doesn't motivate me; I think because i've always been restricted and have never really seen outside of London and Essex; so I don't really know whats out there in the world.

Hmm Stephen Fry, im sure that will be an interesting read. I don't think i've actually read a proper autobiography before.. who knows it could help inspire me for a while. There is one autobiography i've had my eye on to pre-order and that's Nick Carters; only because i'm a huge fan of the band haha :p However his will cover his messed up family; which reminds me of mine in some ways; his alcohol and substance abuse; and other stuff. I'm sure I will read it and think for a while that there is hope in life; that you can be successful; but I'm sure that will only be short lived.

I have tried to occupy myself over the past 3 months with starting my own little ebay store; but lately my mood has been so bad that I am lucky I have my boyfriend to sort of look after it because i'm slacking so badly.. i want to make the store work but I also don't see it ever evolving enough for me to earn a high enough profit to have it as a job.

[craig84]

Can completely relate! nothing bad has to happen during a day its just blugh .. im miserable....... I remember when I went to a group therapy session last summer the psychoanalyst said to me "your miserable aren't you" I realised then just how miserable and got teary... I hate being like this.

I have been insulted by docs before.. some don't even have to say anything. I remember one locum gp wasn't even looking at me and her tone of voice was pretty judgemental and she said she wouldn't refer me for therapy because I don't seem that bad to her. I was quick to lose it and told her to look at me .. when she did I reminded her that im human, I suffer with an illness that can be made worse by comments she just made and she should know more than anyone she has a duty of care for her patients and she was crap doctor (didn't say crap). I reported her after that.

yeah that made sense. I was seemingly a lot better than I am now, had a decent job and good circle of friends, did a lot more than I did now... its a kick in the teeth knowing I was better than I am now but cant see me getting there again...

any dreams I had were quickly quashed, I wanted to be a rally driver but my dad told me to be realistic. I too want to goto America, I want to do the route 66 one day and goto Alaska and do dog sledding... ive only ever been to malta, its a home away from home ive been there so many times and lived there for a while too.. would love to go travelling though... seems highly unlikely unless I won the lottery but I don't even do it lol

isn't nick carter from the backstreet boys?  lol omg remember them, I wouldn't have admitted it at the time but I liked them.

i know a few people who sell on ebay but they don't earn that much, enough to help but not enough to live on. hope you find your drive again soon

[FluffySeal]

I get like that, I think i'm still coming to terms that I got this problem and when people tell it back to me it gets me upset a bit.

Wow thats a poor excuse. The doctor i went to previously didn't really brush on the topic much, it seemed like he thought it was nothing and that I just need to move out then i'll be okay. Its like anyone and everyone can be a doctor these days; i notice they go along with their opinions more than facts; and have to read out of books or google something before they can talk to me about anything.
I'm glad you reported her; hopefully you will never have to see her again.

Hmm yeah sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off if I hadn't have made certain decisions in life but you will always be left wondering.  Hopefully one day you will get to the point where you dont look back and regret. Some days i think should i have really left my job.. for my health its a yes, for money its a no, and for the amount of rubbish i was having to put up with from fellow employees, definitely yes. I just hope to god that I find something soon to bring some income, then I probably wont look back at that place again.

That's another thing in common with us then :)
It is harsh when at a young age you are told things wont happen; because then you probably will never try. That was put into my head when I was younger and I always think logically now; i try to not dream or hope.
Would love to even win just 500,000 on the lottery but that will never happen..

Haha yes he is a backstreet boy; yeah i had to hide my liking for them as no one in my school really liked them; i've loved them since I was 5 and they should be back in London anywhere from November, December or February, so i'm waiting to jump at buying concert tickets
Thats one of the only things that keeps me going at the moment; my desire since I was 5 years old to meet them properly :')
Though even that some times feels like a goal too far to reach.


Thank you, i hope so too I have been making at least 1 sale every day for 30 days now; I think I made £130 in June and £150 in July.
I have some achievements like the only UK seller for some items but my account isnt popular enough that i'll get 20 sales a day on each listing. I hope I could achieve that one day but I really doubt it.

[craig84]

its not an easy realisation tbh, diagnosing me is just one side of it, me accepting it is a different story. it took me so long to even notice how the depression was affecting me and im still learning today. its not easy but if I had known about this site at the beginning it would definitely have helped, I hope it helps you as much !!

oh yeah ive definitely made bad decisions most predominant were giving up a half decent job when I was 21 that I was in for 5 years and managed to do well and I moved to malta. moved to malta to try and rebuild my relationship with my dad but I got involved with a girl who confused things somewhat... its because of what I went through with her that I came back to the uk.
I would have said before I wouldn't change anything, what ive been through has made me who I am but then again....... im depressed and miserable as hell lol

we all make mistakes though and its cliché but making them is how we learn!

lol £500,000 ur greedy :p id settle for £5,000 would pay my debt and get me on the road again :)

yeah definitely its because of my dads actions I don't feel good enough for anything really. I never really got complimented for my achievements at school his comments were always, do better next time?! cheers pops how about acknowledging what I did achieve? there wasn't any real enthusiasm about any of my accomplishments tbh, had to pat myself on the back.

if you do ever meet them when you go don't faint will you lol would be such a waste :p
im not really an ebay person ive never bought anything off of it.... I don't trust it. maybe you could go on other sites too like gumtree or any others there might be to get what your selling more exposure?

[Pip]

Just catching up,  Been on a real downer today and have avoided coming on the forums.

I have the opposite problem of struggling to lose weight.

[craig84]

anything in particular that brought that on or is it just one of those days where you feel down for no real reason... like me today and yesterday I've been really low..
obviously don't go into any detail if you don't want to..

my mum suffers with high blood pressure and high cholesterol, some of the pills she has been on over the years I think have played a part. she was always slim and in the past 8 years has put more on. warfarin rings bells but im not sure exactly what she has taken over the years.

[craig84]

 
for pip xxx

[FluffySeal]

I feel this site has helped me a little because I know i'm not alone in the way I feel and its comforting knowing that there are people who care and understand personally. Though at the same time its not nice seeing other people feel the same way as you because you know how horrible it is feeling like this.
Reading other peoples comments and topics also helps me to think and re-evaluate things; writing helps me learn new things about myself.

Oh i'm sorry to hear that.. did you manage to build your relationship with your Dad at all?
I guess sometimes we have to make mistakes to learn and sometimes to appreciate things.
I had the exact comments from mine, even an A grade wasn't good enough for him. He was going to pay for me to retake all my GCSE's. I didn't do amazing but I thought I did ok! until he opened his mouth.
I guess both our fathers hadn't really grasped the concept of being a supportive parent verbally.

Ahh I did meet two; one of them was very briefly only said like two words to him. As all 5 were getting out of the car I stood there for a good 2 minutes with my jaw on the floor.... haha :') embarrassing


Sorry you've had a bad day Pip I hope tomorrow is better and brighter for you :) 

My mum used to be a very slim woman up until about her 40's I think. She always eats healthy foods like salads; always home cooked stuff; but she has a constant battle with her weight because of an under active thyroid. She takes tablets for it but finds they help put more weight on.

[craig84]

I think its a massive thing not to feel so alone in this, I know when I was at my lowest I didn't speak to anyone about what I was thinking/feeling until I had counselling every fortnight and that was just an hour I had to try and explain and work with my counsellor to try and get through.... it was soo hard going through it alone I got by reading books suggested by my counsellor which also helped but this has proved to help in a big way. its a massive learning curve too your right there.

with my dad I had started to yes but... lol as ever its complicated...ever heard the expression once bitten twice shy? well my dads first born son is my older brother, named after my dad and out of all of us kids my dad invested most in him, spent over £10,000 on courses so he could have a good career, paid for his driving licence, bought him cars, paid his rent, paid for a therapist for him too (brother was getting the money for this and not going) etc etc.... my brother completely took the pee out of my dad and whenever I asked for help with getting my licence he told me he'd reimburse me the costs... never happened, I wanted to do some courses in health and social care to become a counsellor, he didn't help, I needed dental work done he didn't help, I needed therapy when I was really low, he didn't help....ive also always prided myself on being honest and I let me dad know about my drug use, my promiscuity, I was honest about everything.... his always written me off and is just a judgmental snobby rich .... a**hole so in a nutshell no... we didn't rebuild the relationship it got worse, these days I rarely speak to him because he thinks im making up being depressed when ive ended up in hospital through suicide attempts and in and out of therapy... its annoying ive always looked upto my dad and seeked his approval and I ALWAYS fall short of his expectations, he is ashamed of me. he tells his family over in malta I do different jobs to what I actually do unless I sound like I have an impressive job, and he'll have a proper go at me if I tell people the truth out there... its a shame and I hate our relationship but I cant change it, believe me ive tried. ive even thought of changing my name and disappearing because of how dysfunctional my family is... I cant turn my back on my mum brother and sisters though...I wont do what they did to me! oh I didn't pass any gcse's I left school at 14 I was in Ireland at the time. was in my own flat and working by 15 while all my friends were at school.

make sure u learn from ur mistake fluffs and don't stand there jaw to the floor lol ive met a few celebs but I don't get starstruck that much my dad knew some famous people when I was growing up and ive had to sit at dinners with the president of malta and a load of ambassadors, been on roman abromavich's super yacht when he was in malta to see my dad and others...
saying that id get starstruck if I met the teenage mutant ninja turtles these days id be like u I reckon I loved them as a kid

[FluffySeal]

Yeah its hard to sum up everything in just a one hour session. When I had counselling when I was about 14; one week I would be a bit eager to speak to the woman, then by the next week I would not want to go because I just didn't want to speak about my feelings because it is quite a lot you are exposing about yourself and some days im just not in the mood to talk, would rather deal with it myself.. which is something I worry I will feel if i went counselling again.

Hm sounds like favourtism.. that would be enough to make me dislike him; its unfair when one kid gets treated more than the others.
If all he does is put you down and think you are lying then you don't really need someone like him in your life; the more you see and talk to someone who makes you feel like rubbish, the worse you will become.
I'm very sorry to hear that he treated you like that even when you went to hospital.. i think fathers just don't want to believe it so they choose not to, or are just ignorant because they dont feel that way and dont try to understand. My dad is the same; if he hasn't got it then he doesn't believe it. He doesn't actually know i've got depression; no one tells him because we all know he will say anything and everything that isn't supportive.

Did you move to a flat by choice?
Sounds like you need to have people from outside your family, like a friend or whatever who actually supports you because it sounds like everyone from the inside doesn't appreciate you..


wow you've had some experience then lol
haha when you say teenage mutant ninja turtle; one of the bsb started off as an actor in Disneyland as a teenage mutant ninja turtle.
I will probably cry this time if i meet them fully, i'm too emotional sometimes and lately cannot control the water works!