Hi, not posted here for ages but here we go again. I have been doing pretty well, I've said here before that I run my own business and I've been struggling with huge VAT bills, but I've coped quite well - still got the bills, but am not letting it take me under. However, the business finances are getting me down a lot - it seems that it just never gets better. Hubby is a great support, he does believe in me and in the business, but I am not so sure.
I was thinking recently, I am 49 and am basically trapped on a rollercoaster I can't get off - I HAVE to make the business work - to get out of the red - and only then do I have choices as to whether I want to continue with it or not. It seems a long time since I was employed by someone else, lately I have been longing wistfully for the days when I would go to work, do my bit, then go home and forget about it and get a regular pay cheque at the end of the month. With your own business you can never escape it, it is always hanging over me like a thundercloud ready to explode.
And how am I reacting to this pressure? By eating badly, sweets and crisps. This wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't had a flamin' gastric bypass last September!!! I have lost 5 stone in weight (70 pounds) which is great, but the loss has slowed to a crawl due my crappy eating pattern. In Sept I have to go for my yearly checkup at the hospital I had the op done, I will die of embarrassment having to tell the consultant I am basically wasting their good work
I am a recovering alcoholic, not had a drink for about 3 years, taking Antabuse to help me, without it I know I would be drinking (Antabuse makes you extremely sick if you drink whilst taking it), so I can't turn to booze when I am feeling low. I also used to self harm, these days I am less inclined to do that because I don't want any more scars. So basically, I am just not coping with the depression in any kind of positive way, all I am doing is eating crap, which I'm not even enjoying cos I feel poorly when I eat crap - that's the whole thing with a gastric bypass, your body can't process food the same as it did before, so certain foods will make you feel ill, or give you the sh*ts, or give you a sugar reaction.
I just don't know what to do to make myself feel better. I know people say 'have a bath, go for a walk, exercise' etc etc etc blah blah blah, nothing wrong with those things, I just don't want to do them and they don't distract me enough from the depression. At the moment, I leave work mid-aft, drive home via the local shop to buy crisps and sweets, go home, go up to my bedroom, fire up the laptop and watch endless Most Haunted shows on YouTube whilst eating like a pig and cuddling my dogs. What a waste of time I am.
Thanks to the bypass, I'm not actually putting weight on, but I'm barely losing any either, and I should be. I've not lost any significant weight over the last 3 months and I should have done. I am dreading my consultant asking me how I have been doing re my weight, I will be so scared and ashamed to tell him I am not eating properly.
Anyway, I just needed to 'say' this stuff to someone. No one can help me, I know this, I have to do it myself, and I just don't want to. I need to find an easy way to get comfort, but from something that is not harmful to me. That's all I want to say now, don't feel that anyone reading this has to provide all the answers or even rely, I just needed to get it out of my system. Thank God for this place.
